I was going to write a post about all the things you should never say to a pregnant woman based on all the eye roll moments I’ve had over the past few months, but decided to try and be a bit more chipper about things.
But if you do want a few handy hints about things that pregnant women like about as much as their alien baby jumping up and down on their bladder at 3am, here’s a few spoilers: ‘Your bump is HUGE’ (are you trying to say I look like Hagrid?) ‘Your bump is so small’ (are you trying to say I’m not growing my baby properly?) ‘LOL SAY GOODBYE TO SLEEP’ (omfg what? Babies don’t sleep 24 hours a day? Well I am shook. Completely and utterly shook), and my personal fave ‘do you want that decaffeinate?’ (No I fucking don’t mate, goodbye).
Now that that’s out of my system, here’s some super lovely things your preggo friends will thank you for.
1. ‘YOU LOOK AMAZING!’
Yes we’ll blush and be all ‘No, no I don’t. I’ve had three hours sleep and I ate an entire pack of chocolate biscuits yesterday, I look like an aged hippo’, but that doesn’t mean we don’t hugely appreciate it.
Pregnancy makes you date yourself like never before, mostly because you’re completely out of control and everything’s changing and you’ll be getting dressed in the morning and catch yourself in the mirror and be like ‘Hello, who dat?’.
So compliments, even on days where yes ok we do have a fourth chin trying to make an appearance, help take the edge off of our crumbling self-esteem.
2. ‘DON’T BE ASHAMED IF YOU GO A BIT PSYCHO OR NEED TO HAVE A MELTDOWN’
This one was said to me recently by someone with a newborn and I just thought YOU ARE A QUEEN.
Pregnancy makes your hormones go fucking crazy – one moment you’re just moseying along making yourself a cup of tea and the next you’re sobbing uncontrollably on the floor and getting flashbacks to your teenage years.
And it’s horrible because you can’t explain it and nothing makes sense and you know you look and sound completely berserk, and yet there’s nothing you can do about it but just let it pass.
When it was said to me it just helped me remember that guess what? This is a phase and it will past, thank the sweet baby-making lords.
3. ‘DO YOU NEED ME TO DO ANYTHING FOR YOU?’
See also ‘do you want a cup of tea?’ and ‘shall I pootle on to Tesco Express for some snacks?’.
Despite the fact I’ve always prided myself on my independence and my ability to get shit done, pregnancy has not only made me a bit slower and less full of energy, it’s also given me this attitude that expects people to help me.
She’s a real joy to be around, this pregnant diva version of me. Promise.
But seriously, when people have been going out of there way to make sure I’m OK and to be a tad more caring and considerate of me, it’s absolutely made my day. Treat me like the same person, just y’know, act like it’s my birthday or I’m the queen or something.
4. ‘EAT WHATEVER YOU NEED TO GET THROUGH IT’
This was another line from someone who’d already been through pregnancy but it made me sit back and cut myself some slack for the amount of beige I was ingesting at the time.
The first trimester is a fucking shit storm and whilst yeah it would have been nice to have been providing my baby with lots of lovely nutrients, my body made me chuck up the dregs of my stomach lining if I so much thought about eating a bit of kale. But Super Noodles and chips? My body was like BRING. IT. ON.
It’s hard not to feel guilty for your inability to eat a balanced diet, so it means the world when other people are like mate, it is hard and you’re not alone and I once ate three kebabs in a row. You people are diamonds.
5. EXACTLY THE SAME SHIT YOU SAID TO THEM BEFORE
I’m quite lucky in the fact that nobody has particularly treated me any differently. I still get the same OMFG WHAT texts about the fact there’s going to be a Madeleine McCann Netflix series and I still get screenshots of the horror show that is Facebook Memories.
But I also get the odd person who seemingly has nothing else to say to me aside from offloading every piece of parenting ‘advice’ under the sun.
Don’t get me wrong, I love talking about pushchairs and WILL I NEED A BREAST PUMP, but I also love just being Hannah. Being the version of myself that I’ve known for 27 years. Because shock horror, there is more to me than growing a human. Dun dun dun.