Being a cat mum is the best.
All that warm love and affection showered your way. All those long lay ins and pet snuggles in bed. All the cleanliness.
Here’s the reality of being a cat parent…
1. Your cat has one name. OK, sure, maybe a couple of middles names too, let’s be realistic here. And yet you probably only use it 3% of the time because lol she has a bazillion nicknames. Cutie, poo face, baby girl, cherub, mittens, piglet and gremlin just to name a few. Poo face being your fave, obvs.
2. She comes to sit on your chest, you wonder what you’ve done to make her change her mind about you. She loves you, this is it, this is your, sweet, sweet reward. And then she starts effing padding on your chest and slow blinking at you. Much cute, much love, but much, much pain. You let her continue because what’s a chest without cat claw marks anyway?
3. The water level in your cat’s fancy Anthropologie cat bowl never seems to go down, and yet the minute you pour yourself a fresh glass of water and put it down on the table she’s lapping out of it more vigorously than you would a bowl of Pornstar Martini. And then lol jk she knocks it over and walks away. What a poo face.
4. You will come home, put the kettle on and start trying to scout out where your cat’s decided to nap so that you can scoop them up and give them a long hug that you know they’ll hate :):):) BUT HANG ON, they’re not on the sofa or on the dining room chair or on your bed. OMG you’ve lost them, they’ve run away, it’s been 10 whole minutes, this is it, this is the end. A single tear rolls down you cheek, they must have got out the front door somehow. And then the scallywag comes stretching its way out from under the TV unit. Like what, how did you even fit under there?
5. Your black fedora collection, black jeans and black sweatshirts will start to resemble real fur couture fashion pieces. Which is cute and all until you get spray-painted by a PETA activist on the tube. Thanks you sweet moulting pet, you.
6. You’ll run yourself a nice bubble bath and light a candle and relax back into the water and close your eyes for a second. You’ll open them and your cat will be perched on the side of the bath silently judging your naked body.
7. You’ll give your cat a really nice long hug because you guys are best friends forever and because she hates you with such pure passion in her soul, she’ll do three somersaults face first out of your arms just to escape. N’awww.
8. Because your cat’s food bowl isn’t fun enough, your cat will take her wet food and drag it across the kitchen floor because hey what’s nicer than eating food off a dirty floor, eh?
9. You get comfy on the sofa because hey look Pretty Little Liars is on, and your cat decides to jump on your lap and you’re like YES, there’s some kindness hidden in her soul, and then she’ll immediately turn around and put her cat bum hole 10cm from your nose.
10. You’ll be doing a spot of work on your laptop and hang on a minute, you just need to nip away for 37 seconds for a wee. Too late, your cat is now on your laptop asleep. Soz pal, no more work for you.
11. Whenever you’re away from your cat for more than 24 hours you’ll start getting lost in your own head with ideas about how you could train your cat to FaceTime. Or maybe you’ll just invest in a house webcam or something.
12. You’ll scoop your beloved baby into your arms without realising that lol they used their litter tray 17 seconds ago and were just about to clean their bum before you had to go and be all annoying and hey look now you have poo on your arm.
13. Your cat will make a point of never sleeping in any bed you make for them. Whether that’s a shop-bought one or a cute one you made yourself out of an old blanket and box, because y’know what? Sleeping on your freshly washed and ironed pile of clothes is so much sweeter.
14. It gets to 3am and your cat still isn’t home. You run through every possibility in your head. Maybe they’ve been hit by a car or stolen because heck, they are super cute. You’ll feel actually nauseous with worry. And then the trollop will walk in and meow at you like bitch, feed me, my dinner time was supposed to be hours ago. You brute.
15. You’ll buy every gimmicky cat advent calendar and Easter egg and stocking because love <3<3<3 Your cat will sniff all the ‘treats’ and walk away, as if you’ve offered up an actual eye-ball straight from your eye socket.
16. Sometimes you’ll just be sat there minding your own business, y’know, perusing Instagram for the 37th time that day, and your cat will meow and run into the room, look you in the eye and then run off again. Like oh god not you, I didn’t know YOU were in here, I’m off.
17. Other times your cat will run away from home and be gone for like 16 hours and you’ll be calling their name, rattling their treats and you’re like corrr they must be so far away. And then you’ll peep over your neighbour’s fence and there they are, just sitting in the middle of the garden, watching you.
18. Your cat will also happily enjoy the same brand and type of food every single damn day for 7 months and then one day you’ll just be giving her breakfast and she’ll smell her food, look at it and wander away, never to eat said brand again. YOU MAKE NO SENSE, YOU ATE THIS YESTERDAY FFS.
19. Every time your cat falls asleep with her cute fluffy cat belly in the air you stand and stare at her for about 7 minutes and take 5748395678 photos from different angles, all whilst trying not to wake her because LOOK, so cute. The baby <3