One moment you were hip and happening and smoking Marlborough Lights whilst chugging Malibu on a street corner and now look at you.
Your teenage-self would be horrified. HORRIFIED. All capitals.
(And probs super proud, but meh, let’s gloss over that.)
Here’s 32 signs you’re growing up too quickly.
1. You have both standard olive oil and extra virgin olive oil in your kitchen because you fancy af and if you wanna do a swish salad dressing then obvs you’ll go for the extra virgin, you’re not a peasant, hun.
2. You have built a flower bed, planted a bulb and sweet friggin’ jesus it’s blossomed into an Instagram sensation. You also own gardening gloves but let’s keep that on the down low, eh?
3. You have replaced the fun and sassy bed covers you snapped up for uni with dun, dun, dun white cotton bed sheets with a high thread count. Probs from John Lewis because <3<3<3
4. You own a LOT of nude underwear. A nude t-shirt bra, a nude lace bra, a nude thong, a nude pair of spanx, a nude slip. A MOTHER FRICKIN SLIP. From Marks & Spencer because you know what, Marks and Spencer is great, innit?
5. You don’t know how to strobe. Or contour. Or do an eye shadow crease. But you DO know how to unblock a drain. Go you.
6. Your online banking is set up into about 578563 accounts to help you save for different things. Save to Buy ISA, sofa savings account, holiday savings account, general savings account.
7. You’ve become super picky with brands, like um no hun I cannot get the own brand version of Lurpak, it must be actual real delicious middle-class dream Lurpak. Thanks and bye.
8. You don’t actually need to wear your reading glasses all the time, but you do anyway because hey, it’s easier than losing them around the house, innit? And also, they make you look hella intellectual.
9. You literally have no idea who’s number one in the charts right now. No idea. But you know what is nice? A touch of Classic FM whilst you’re driving. No regrets.
10. You have friends who are not just REAL-LIFE teachers but are like form tutors and heads of subjects and what the actual fuck, those jobs are only for old people, not youngsters like you chaps.
11. You’re constantly rolling your eyes at clothes in shops like FFS why have they put a slit there? AND CUT OUT SIDES, WHAT IS THIS MADNESS? And oh man why is this top cropped and hang the fuck on, does this low-cut body actually go all the way down to your belly button?
12. You meet friends at IKEA for a nice day out. You don’t go to Thorpe Park or go on a bar crawl or spend the day in your local town trying everything on in New Look and drinking frappuccinos, YOU GO TO BLOODY IKEA.
13. You google acronyms a lot because y’know, you’re not down the kids like you used to be. Like what does SMH and KMT mean? Thanks the sweet internet lords for Urban Dictionary.
14. You own a night cream. A night cream in a pot that you apply to your freshly cleansed skin whilst sitting in bed in your pyjamas. Who are you, grandma.
15. Your life wish list currently contains one pair of sensible mid heels, one fancy Dyson hoover and a cute marble side table. Huh.
16. You’ve paid a smidge more for a flight so that you could go with British Airways rather than Ryainair because life is just too short for that kinda experience, eh?
17. It actually pains your soul when Hollyoaks comes on the TV like abort, abort, abort is there a good documentary on catch-up? (Sixth form you would be gasping in horror at the monster you’ve become).
18. You insure things. Like your phone and your home and your laptop because you a sensible Susan these days.
19. Instead of Chicago Town pizzas, Smiley Faces and spaghetti hoops with sausages you eat crap like quinoa, avocado and fish and the worst part is, you actually like it. Oh maaaaaan. What happened hun, you used to be cool?
20. The tattoo you got as an 18-year-old is now a weepy, unrecognisable blob because huh, turns out skin ages. Huh, whodda thought it?
21. You have a favourite bottle of wine, and it’s not just the one that’s reduced down to £3.99.
22. You only see your favourite friends once every couple of months because you’re all too busy juggling hen weekends, weddings, house viewings, dinner parties and job interviews. calm the flip down won’t you.
23. You buy vine tomatoes over y’know, normal tomatoes. BUT THEY TASTE SO DAMN DREAMY FROM THE VINE. And Jamie Oliver uses vine tomatoes so….
24. You are obsessed with handsome fireplaces. And front doors. And wooden floors. And omg have you turned into a dad because you would literally slice out your left kidney for some free parquet flooring.
25. You sometimes drink tea out of a tea pot. And not just for Instagram. For actual real life because damn that tea pot life is sweeeeeeet.
26. Your Facebook feed is more ‘thanks so much for giving us such a wonderful wedding day’ and ‘eeeee best HEN WEEKEND EVER’ and less ‘lol so hungover who wants to drive me to McDonald’s?’.
27. You stick weird shit like mint and lemon and berries and leaves in your jugs of water when you have friends round FOR DINNER. And not just a crispy chilli beef and some sweet and sour pork balls, like actual dinner, cooked by you. Eeesh.
28. Every time you open your tea cupboard about 11 boxes of different varieties of herbal tea launch themselves at you because yes you, once-cool-girl now has a serious herbal tea problem. Huh.
29. You add things like ironing water and scented hoover bags and jars of sundried tomatoes onto your online Ocado order. That’s right, Ocado and ironing water, FFS.
30. You actually own a bag that came with its own bag. Because y’know, your bag needs a bag to stop dust tarnishing its soul when it’s neatly packed away in your wardrobe.
31. You do that thing where you walk into a room and you’re like hang on, what the sweet hunning hell did I walk in here for? To watch TV? To look for my glasses? To look for mugs to wash? To die?
32. That little hole above your belly button where you used to hang dangle belly bars has almost disappeared. Like, people would really have to squint to know you ever used to sashay about the place in a crop top with a chandelier draping from your belly button. Fuming.
Oh adulthood, you pesky rascal <3