Dear Diary: Being In My Happy Place


I hadn’t planned to type posts to you from New York. I liked the idea of it. Feeling all whimsical and inspired and cliched as I stared out at the city hustling past me from my hotel window as I typed from the heart, from the deep little corners of my soul. But I wanted this to be a holiday. I wanted to detach myself from my blogging self, my working self. To take some time for me, and for Chris. To be normal Hannah, not internet Hannah.

But alas, here I a. One bottle of Redd’s apple ale down, and the remains of a six pack of bottles glaring at me like HEY YOU, DRINK US, WE’RE CUTE AND FUN sitting in front of me on the bed.

(As well as a NYX matte lip cream and a new brow pencil because what’s a trip to New York without spunking all your cash in drugstores, eh?).

Chris has gone out for a run. And here I am, drinking alone with you guys (AKA my laptop) for company.

And I like it. I like this vibe I’m getting from my life. It’s like seeing Chris and I in a parallel universe – a universe where we hadn’t settled down and bought all the cats and the Etsy prints and lived in Suffolk. A universe where we’d escaped and hidden ourselves out in New York and lived a different life.

In the weeks before I met Chris, I’d started applying for jobs over here. It felt like a now or never decision. I knew, from my first trip to this sweet city back in 2002 that I wanted to spend a proper amount of time here, I knew that we just got each other.

And then I met that bloody blonde-haired goose in a bar in Shoreditch and hey whaddya know, I got side-tracked from my job applications and my life-long dream to be a little New York princess.

I don’t regret that my dreams changed, and that I ended up looking for lasagne ingredients and cat litter in Ipswich Tesco rather than drinking margaritas in a Brooklyn rooftop bar overlooking the glittering lights of Manhattan. Because my life has stability now, and stability is probably the single most important thing I’ve ever gained for my mental health.

But I like this little glimpse into how our lives could have been. I like this chance to live it for a week, to cherish it, to hold it up in a golden, halo-crowned light, before we could ever see the downsides. And the chance to escape back to reality at the end of it. Reality with its familiar places and cats and people who know how to queue and like to talk about the weather.

(An employee came over to us in the Apple store earlier today and we didn’t have anything to say that wasn’t HEY WE’RE JUST HERE FOR THE FREE WIFI and then Chris was like ‘it’s raining outside’ and then there was this awkward silence and I realised how embarrassingly British we are.)

We haven’t got all that much tourist-y stuff on the agenda for our week away. It’s more just eating pizza in our hotel bed and taking long brunches and wandering aimlessly. It’s about living like New Yorkers without the long-hours in the office and lack of sick leave and maternity pay and stupidly high rent.

Which is nice, because I don’t feel guilty about lying in bed between 10am and 12pm today or again from 3pm til 6pm (hey jet lag, thanks for making me feel as exhausted as a new mum, and hey overactive brain for not letting me drift into a nap). There’s been something oddly exhilarating about just lying under the covers with the noise from the street drifting in through the window. Just knowing I am here. Knowing that I am being engulfed in one big ol’ giant hug from my boo NYC.

So yeah, I am really blinkin’ happy. And so at peace and feeling so me.

I’d ramble on for a few more paragraphs about this but an episode of Teen Mom 2 I’ve never seen before just came on (AMERICA YOU DA BEST) and well, yeah, no further explanation required.

See ya <3

Dress: ASOS / Hat: H&M / Shoes: Adidas at Offspring / Bag: Karl Lagerfeld at Monnier Freres


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