I’m lying in bed drinking a banana and berry smoothie admiring how much blueberry juice appears to have got on my fingers and wondering how in the sweet name of Hogwarts I’ve become so clumsy and messy with age.
I’m in a weird pickle of a mood. I’m still dealing with the last dregs of a cold, and I feel shaky and jittery and a bit nauseous at the moment, like I’ve had too much coffee except LOL I haven’t had coffee since Sunday so good one body.
I’ve just spent the morning replying to yesterday’s ignored emails and editing photos for a super sweet campaign later this month, and I loved, loved the outfits I wore and flicking through the images on my camera I was like ah man, I’ve made myself look so cool and taking outfit photos is so much fun and lalala.
Except this morning I don’t feel like that, this morning I’m feeling like a big wave of body anxiety has engulfed me up and is just sitting on my chest playing a violin of sob stories to me.
I’ve felt so hip and happening and motivated of late. I’ve felt the most me I’ve felt in a long time. All determination and excitement and ah man ain’t life just the best, but this morning I feel a bit crumbly and crumby and I’m torn between playing dress up with all the make up I own and seeing how much I can put on my face in one go and just lying on the sofa in a duvet sushi roll watching this week’s Grey’s Anatomy.
Tbf I could just do both.
(Spoiler: I probably will do both).
I feel frustrated at myself for not loving spinning classes and sometimes choosing burgers over quinoa. I feel like I have let myself down, like I am a failure for not working harder. I wonder why I am so broken, so lacking in motivation to work out more and cut out cheese.
I feel like an unreasonable 15-year-old sobbing in a badly lit changing room whilst trying on a bikini because lol she’s too inexperienced at life to know that you take that bad boy home and try him on there because nuh uh to changing room lights. NUH BLOODY UH.
I feel silly.
I feel like I preach about loving yourself about being happy and going after your dreams, and now I’m sat here whimpering like why can’t I put down the ice cream, why life so unfair.
Woe is bloody Hannah. But you know those days right? Those days where you know, you KNOW you are being a dingbat, but you can’t help being a dingbat all the same. You can’t snap out of your ridiculous mood, no matter how aware you are of how silly it is.
But I know why I’m feeling so blah too – I’m out of routine and still not feeling physically 100% and it’s totally thrown me out of my every day go get ’em groove.
I miss pilates and swimming, I miss having the energy to get off the sofa to whip up avocado based brunches and I miss putting up content I’m in love with every day.
And so I know, that as soon as I am feeling better, completely better, my mood is going to be like YOU GOT THIS SISTER, YOU THE BEST, LET’S DO SOME HIGH FIVES. So I just gotta wait it out.
Just gotta twiddle my thumbs and take my Echinacea tablets and wait for some time to pass and then I’ll be glowy and full of sass again.
The point of this post, just FYI, wasn’t actually to be a mega negative Nancy about life, it was actually to show off a few snaps from my day in London yesterday, but I ahem, got a bit derailed.
I guess whilst stewing at home on my own, I kind of let my head get the best of me, and so I needed to sound it out, to write it out of my head and put it into sentences so I could make sense of the emotions whirling about chaotically.
To make sense of why I’m doubting myself instead of feeling strong and sassy and in control.
So here’s the photos, photos of my twirling about in front of St Ermin’s hotel in London just after I’d eaten sea salt scones and lobster rolls at afternoon tea with Ally.
It was the first time I’d ever met her IRL and omg, y’know when you just meet another human that gets you? She’s da bomb, you should go and read her blog if you don’t already.
And as for St Ermin’s? Well it’s a right little regal gem of a hotel, nestled next to the sweet, sweet (and seriously Instagrammable) blossom trees of St James’s Park. Their new Royal Tea is insane and all kinds of delicious and we ate it out on the terrace under umbrellas in the rain and it was just heavenly. (Whilst gossiping about boys and holidays obvs).
So yeah, life.
One minute you’re feeling like a lady of leisure in a pretty pleated skirt trying not to cough on anyone, and the next you’re in bed wondering if you’re going to vom on your laptop whilst typing this sentence and hang on do you have enough energy to cry over not looking like Gigi Hadid or nah?
Probs nah tbh. I’ma save that energy to get this little (or large) toosh into the kitchen to make some avo on sourdough and then maybe have a shower and pull you together a second little blog post for today.
Thanks for sticking with me through every emotion, you girls my faves <3