Lol, what a weirdo old age to be at. I STILL FEEL LIKE A TEENAGER TRAPPED IN AN ADULT’S BODY, ooh is that a handheld Dyson hoover on sale?
1. Hangovers feel a *bit* like you’ve been caught up in a tractor, been on a red-eye flight and have an eel living in your digestive tract all at once. They’re the main reason you’ve almost entirely given up beer pong FFS.
2. You spend a lot of time pining for your youth. Like erm, can I listen to Ja Rule and Ashanti plz and watch Sabrina The Teenage Witch and how much is a Gameboy Colour on eBay?
3. You pick savoury old man foods like mature cheddar and pork pies over pick n mix. EVEN them cheeky blue and pink bottles. What happened to you? You used to be cool. You sob into your cheese and posh chutney and wash it down with a fine red.
4. You buy house plants. Every week. You Google how to look after said house plants.
5. You spend a hideous amount of time counting down the years (ahem, months) until you reach the age that you promised yourself you’d have kids. No, you’re falling behind with your life plan.
6. You get pangs of overwhelming pride towards the friends you’ve known since you were dropping low to 50 Cent at house parties and drinking Smirnoff Ice through straws. You guys made it, you’re adults, you’re getting married, you’re having babies, you’re working in a dream job. SO PROUD OF YOU ALL.
7. You’ve got into a style rut where you just bulk buy wardrobe staples and ignore scary fashion trends. Like yes, I’ll take three of your finest striped tees kind sir and two pairs of black skinny jeans, oh and maybe some ankle boots. OH GOD NO NOT WITH THAT HEEL, I NEED A CHUNKY TWO INCH ONE, DUH, DON’T TAKE ME OUT OF MY COMFORT ZONE.
8. You get agitated in any heat higher than about twenty-five degrees. On a beach holiday? Ooh boy, we better sit in the shade and take a nap between the hours of 12pm and 3pm, before I burst into flames and die over here.
9. Your period STILL plays hide and seek with you. Like, reaaaaally body, we’ve been doing this for over a decade now, you wanna be a bit more reliable or nah?
10. Whereas you used to be obsessed with photo frames and cushions, you now own 11 blankets (erm, WTF?) and have spent a total of 21 hours looking at curtains on the internet. Hashtag the thug life chose me.
11. You realise acne is very much not just a thing for hormonal teenagers. But it’ll disappear by my thirties, right, right?
12. You start to own things like a mister for gently watering your plants, ironing water and ramekins. But hang on, why have I not got any money for a sneaky little ASOS order, eh?
13. You convince yourself, normally whilst lying in bed counting down how many hours of sleep you can get, that you have cancer. Probably cervical. Probably terminal. They’ll write stories about you on the MailOnline. You’re certain.
14. You have got to a sad, sad place in your life where you try clothes on and say ‘I think this is a bit young for me’. Mostly because you’re not sure you can have both your vagina on show and your nipples sliding out. Meh.
15. You forget things ALL THE DAMN TIME. Erm, why did I walk into this room again? Anyone? ANYONE?
16. You get weird things like light shade envy and wall colour envy and baby name envy instead of y’know, normal things like body envy and sassy blonde highlights envy.
17. You eat approximately 47 times healthier than you did a decade ago and yet hello two stone heavier. Why you do this to me avocado, chia and medjool dates, why?
18. You think that *maybe* you’ll go for a starter over a big chocolate-y sweet delicious moist pudding. But have you seen that they have calamari on the menu? And a chicken parfait? OH MUMMA.
19. You start to see the appeal in classical music. As in, oh, let’s turn off this Radio 1 house music at 7pm on a Friday and listen to some soothing classical beats on the way to Tesco for our Dine In For £10.
20. You’re so damn flippin’ in-tune with your own body that you feel all broken and wrong the minute you go 27 hours without a poo or enter into your period week. Like, alright calm down, trying to live my life over here, FFS.
21. Driving to IKEA basically makes you giddy and delusional with excitement. WHAT IF THEY HAVE NEW THINGS?
22. You’ll freak out at least once a week about whether you’re on the right career path or whether you should jack it all in and start again as a mature medical student.
23. You’ll suddenly become obsessed with finding out where you’re from and who you are and wait are you one sixty-fourth French?
24. You wonder why you have a basic knowledge of Pythagoras and Photosynthesis but look at things like self-assessment forms and ISA application forms like they’re in Latin.
25. Your judgement on time is all over the damn shop. ‘When I was in London the other week’ actually means ‘When I was in London in June 2004’.
26. Not only does the idea of going clubbing fill you with as much joy as trying to drown yourself in a swimming pool, but you’ll happily say no to invitations rather than getting FOMO or fear of offending people. You a sassy, confident, comfortable-in-your-own-skin bitch now and you don’t care who knows it.