20 Things That Are Only A Good Idea When You’re Hideously Drunk


Because let’s face it, we’re all the worst kind of people after we’ve necked a bottle of Echo Falls’s finest white wine and wait, what, yeah sure I’ll join you on the Jager train. All aboard vomsville, choo choo.

(I can’t believe I just wrote Jager train, please feel free to kick me really hard in the shin via the internet. K, thx.)

1. To put your phone in your bra for safe keeping because one of those boys you text will probably reply soon, you’re sure of it, and two minutes later be all OMFG WHERE IS MY PHONE? HAVE YOU SEEN MY PHONE? I’VE LOST MY PHONE and maybe cry a bit because phones are expensive and omg life.

2. To make friends with other drunk girls in the toilet. ‘He does not deserve you. You are so hot and fun and cool and we should be best friends forever and omg yes can we be lesbians together and get married.’

3. To sing so loudly and with such passion that you’re basically performing your deadlock song on the X Factor. Usually in a taxi on your way into town because wooo you are getting the part-ay started, or at 1am whilst leaving a voicemail for a pal who didn’t pick up their phone because what it’s not even late, why are they sleeping?

4. To walk around without shoes on. Broken glass and cigarette butts, I challenge you to do your worst.

5. To not give your texts the once over once you’ve typed them out with one eye closed to avoid double vision. Hello ALL the typos and auto-correct fails. Like, did you mean to write a text that sounds like a mysterious Latin poem or nah?


7. To flip all your hair to one side and run your fingers through it like you have fun sexy hair like Sienna Miller. Like nope you just have one giant dreadlock now, lol.

8. To keep buying rounds of shots for anyone near you and sticking it on your credit card because yolo you so fancy and living the dream and it’s just money and like what even is money.

9. To suddenly become on first name terms with taxi drivers. Like hey John do you mind just wacking up the volume on this Little Mix song and has it been busy tonight and how long have you been a cab driver for and do you want to be in our selfie stick photo?

10. To make yourself sick in a bar/club toilets because fuck that last shot didn’t go down so well and you need to keep partying for at least another three hours because you haven’t bumped into anyone remotely hot yet. Now do you have any pasta-laced stomach acid dribble down your chin or dress or are you good to go?

11. To repeatedly ring people you fancy at 2am because like they’ll definitely pick up on the 5th attempt – wait, what, when did you call them four times already, you have NO idea, you remember none of this.

12. To put your bag on the dance floor or on a table vaguely near where you’re boogying away and be like meh, thieves can have my £12 in change and lipgloss and mirror and Primark clutch if they want it.

13. To suddenly decide that actually that male friend of yours who you’ve never found attractive in the entire five years you’ve been pals is actually kinda hot tonight and maybe you should just glue yourself to his side for the rest of the night just in case yeah.

14. To go for a wee and just sit for ages on the seat and think about life. Like do you need a nap? Are you going to be sick? Should you go home?

15. To buy hot food from the random food stands inside/just outside clubs and be like yes, of course I’ll have cheese and ketchup with that. Like it’s totally normal to stop dancing, have an entire meal and then get going again.

16. To end up chatting away in the smoking area for over an hour and wait what you don’t even smoke why are you out here.

17. To bump into someone you vaguely know from like maybe school or college or an old job and then 10 minutes later be having a deep discussion about mental health and that time you were bullied at 12 years old.

18. To start sobbing hysterically and when anyone asks you what’s wrong to not really have an answer because wait, what was the reason you were crying?

19. To get the DJ to do a fake shout out for your friend whose birthday is definitely in 7 months time. Lol, you are the funniest.

20. To take 62 group selfies where you look like a thumb in every single one.



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