Most of life’s wisest lessons have come to us as adults.
We learnt how to make bloody damn ace 3am snacks whilst drunk and wearing bodycon dresses, we learnt to smile politely, make tea and always arrive on time (and never obviously hungover) and we learnt that candles are in fact a life necessity for mental health and not a luxury splurge. AM’I RIGHT? YOU WIT ME ON THIS?
Anyway, turns out being a teenager was pretty vital for our life learning experience too.
Here’s what us sassy gals learnt…
1. Using a foundation a shade or two darker won’t give the illusion you’re a bronzed goddess who’s just returned from a luxury break in the Maldives, it’ll make you look like an actual peel of orange rind. Or an Ooma Loompa. Sad face.
2. You will not orgasm from having a couple of fingers jabbed inside you repeatedly. This is not, apparently, the height of foreplay.
3. Drinking on an empty belly will normally end with you doing a sick. Probably down yourself. Wanna take that risk?
4. Blue eye shadow is not a dreamy day make-up that you should wear to school. Nor purple. Nuh uh.
5. Being a size 6 is not the answer to lifelong happiness. And nor are the majority of women naturally that size.
6. JoJo, Beyonce and Jennifer Lopez will always have your back when you’re crying into your Primark bed sheets and chain-watching The O.C.
7. Ponchos don’t look good on anyone ever. Nope. Nada.
8. Your period will ALWAYS surprise you and ruin your good pants no matter how hard you try to prepare in advance. Damn body.
9. Cutting out food altogether isn’t a viable diet option that’ll make you look as perfect as Miranda Kerr. You’ll feel weak, headache-y and tired and then BAM you’ll crash and inhale 82% of the contents of your parents’ fridge.
10. Flavoured condoms are in fact not delicious.
11. Two drinks might make it easier to talk to a boy you fancy. ALL the drinks will make you such a clingy, desperate mess that he’ll ignore you on MSN forevermore.
12. How to do a casual bit of coding. Thanks for that one Myspace, you boo.
13. A fresh set of stationery will instantly change your mood, motivation and I GOT THIS levels. You should always buy the notebook, that new term feeling is unbeatable.
14. Selfies are always best taken with a fresh face of make-up, plenty of light and from a slightly above angle to avoid a double chin.
15. Thongs aren’t supposed to be worn higher than your trousers. True story.
16. No-one can really walks in skyscraper heels all day long and not get broken feet. It’s just some weird ol’ illusion Hollywood made-up.
17. Bailey’s is not a pre-drink.
18. A grainy printed-out collage of snaps from the family printer and stuck in a 99p frame does not make the best birthday present of all time. Soz.
19. Make-up isn’t award-winning at covering up hickeys. No siree. Roll necks, they’re ya jobby.
20. Good bubble writing will always make your soul do a little leap for joy. Who needs Word Art when your fingers can produce THIS.
21. If you don’t use the internet then your phone battery will legit last a week.
22. A push up bra and a halter neck top do not make a dreamy combination. Always go strapless, bae.
23. You’re never going to make everyone happy or be able to make everyone like you, you just gotta do you. ALL THE FIST PUMPS.