Because it’s easier if we just ambush them with everything all at once.
1. If you walk in on us in the bathroom fussing about with a tampon wrapper don’t look at us like we’ve just smeared poo across the walls. We didn’t ask to lose a womb lining a month, it’s just life, deal with.
2. We will always need more shoes, always. Even if we’re already in our overdraft and weeks away from pay day. Ain’t nothing you can do to stop us.
3. It’s probably in your best interests to always have an emergency bottle of wine and a well hidden family size bar of chocolate on standby at all times.
4. We *sometimes* get nail varnish and fake tan on the bedsheets. Have a lifetime’s worth of apologies now.
5. We will never like protein powder, Nandos or Sky Sports News quite as much as you do, soz.
6. If we’re wearing a micro mini skirt, bright lipstick or top that dips down to our belly buttons we’re not trying to impress anyone but ourselves, because FUCK we look hot.
7. If we’re in an incurably bad mood, just stick on HP/a disney film/a chick flick from the early noughties, make us tea, bring us biscuits and sit with us. And watch us transform from wild, untameable beast to cute little delicate fairy.
8. We like holding hands. We like long kisses that don’t lead to sex. We like lying on your chest. Be nice.
9. If we don’t text you back within a day, chances are we don’t like you (we haven’t lost our phone, run out of credit – because hey, we’re not 12, or migrated to a really high hill without signal). You know how you guys do that thing where you ignore girls you don’t like? We can do it too. We learnt from the best.
10. There are very few things that bring us as much warmth in our hearts as reminiscing with our friends about the old days whilst knecking prosecco.
11. Except maybe, seeing you hold a baby.
12. We like photographs, things from car boots, sentimental things, stationery and everything from H&M home, let’s just face it now, we’re never going to be minimalist.
13. When we haven’t spoken to you since 2005, it’s not a cool idea to drop us a ‘hey u, how r fings x?’ message on Facebook just because you’re single and bored. Ain’t nobody got time for that.
14. When you stare aggressively at us when we walk past you it doesn’t give us a boost of confidence and make us feel sassy and attractive, it makes us feel uncomfortable and vulnerable.
15. We blame our hormones for everything, therefore you too should assume anything weird/crazy/mental we do is down to our hormones. Except y’know, don’t say that to our faces, just quietly acknowledge it in your head or we might get all kinds of scary.
16. We don’t care if you don’t like culottes, dungarees or chunky heeled shoes. So, there’s that.
17. When we stare at our phones and giggle, it’s not because we’re having a whale of a time with someone that isn’t you, we’re just laughing at our own messages and tweets. God, we’re hilarious.
18. If one day we’re on a diet and the next we’re suggesting a McDonald’s, don’t question it.
19. We don’t choose for our biological clock to suddenly start ticking. It freaks us out as much as it freaks you out. WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU COME FROM AND WHERE HAS MY YOUTH GONE?
20. We facebook stalk other girls way more than we Facebook stalk ex-boyfriends. Just sayin’.
21. If we leap out of bed the minute sex is over rather than rolling around in your loving arms it’s because we’re desperate to pee and remove any bacteria that could grow and cripple our bladders in a savage cystitis attack. Soz and that.
22. You dare enter us into Don’t Tell The Bride and organise a themed wedding or buy us a corseted, diamante-studded dress and we will kill you. Or kick you, a lot. Or just y’know, not marry you.
23. You should just let us squeeze your back spots for you. We love it more than you could ever know.
24. Moves you’ve seen in porn rarely work in real life, and if they do, they’re uncomfortable/painful/make us hugely self conscious of our back fat looming in your face.
25. Social media can make us feel mental. It’s our drug and it gives us crippling highs and lows that can sometimes make us act a bit all over the place. Our addiction is real. Plz be kind.