What happened, you used to be so damn cool?
1. You monitor cars in your street – like what, whose car is that outside of our house? I’ve never seen it here before, it’s been here ALL day, do you reckon it’s been dumped? Maybe we should call the council or the police?
2. You’ve become weirdly obsessed with shelving and storage. Like, if H&M home started doing small furniture you’d probably just die on the spot from the rush of emotions.
3. If you see a sign for a plant sale you drop everything. Immediately. A PLANT SALE? THINK OF ALL THE JOY AND INSTAGRAM OPPS.
4. You own a swimming costume. It has no sassy cut out details, it *might* be from M&S. You don’t want old people thinking you’re some sort of saucy slut when you hit the pool, you want to look like a stand-up member of the community, obvs.
5. Mums say to their kids ‘mind the lady’ and shop assistants say ‘can you just help that woman over there’. I’M NOT A LADY OR A WOMAN, I’M A GIRL. A YOUNG PERSON. A YOUTH.
6. You get plagued with guilt about lying in at the weekends so instead, find yourself in B&Q looking at various screws at 8.40am in the morning. Whatevs.
7. When you hear young people a few houses down listening to loud music, you wonder if they’re having a party and whether you should call the police. I mean, you definitely should because you can hear that music through the window and omg how will you be able to watch Grey’s Anatomy with that racket, ffs.
8. You have actual folders for important things like bank statements and council tax. I mean yeah, they’re probably shoved under your bed, but you still have them and they’re *almost* up to date. You’re basically an accountant.
9. You open every single damn window in your house to ‘air it out’ despite the fact it’s about five degrees out and you’re pretty sure you can’t feel any of your toes, but y’know, fresh air and that.
10. You spend at least an hour a week irnong shirts, like what, when did you even start wearing shirts? What are you, a middle-aged man?
11. Instead of buying yourself family size bars of Galaxy after a shitty day at work, you buy yourself flowers from Tesco on the way home. Maybe some sushi and strawberries too.
12. You keep frozen fruit in the freezer instead of chicken dippers. OK, maybe frozen fruit NEXT to the chicken dippers. Let’s be honest here.
13. You have spreadsheets on your computer. ON YOUR HOME COMPUTER.
14. You buy clothes to ‘wear around the house’. Said clothes look alarmingly similar to your once favourite lecture get-ups.
15. You have a pet. A microchipped pet. A spayed pet. A fle-treated pet. A well-fed pet. You’re such a responsible mama.
16. You can no longer eat a McDonald’s and an Indian takeaway on the same weekend without seemingly nudging up the scales come monday. What happened metabolism, we used to be such good pals? HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME.
17. You don’t have any weekends free til until, oooh, the middle of the month after next. You know this because you keep dates in a diary. So yeah, you can be spontaneous and adventurous after 2pm on Saturday 9th June.
18. You complain about headaches and feel like you *might* be on the verge of a stroke the morning after two glasses of Malbec. You pretend there wasn’t a time you could down a whole 35cl bottle of vodka and feel nothing but sunrays and rainbows the next day.
19. You get really riled up about politics and even more riled up about the fact you’re not supposed to openly talk about politics with your peers. What’s the fun in this?
20. You get really fucking excited about documentaries on TV. There’s a foam party at the local club tonight? Cool story, I’ma stay in my Primark pyjamas and watch this thing about tsunamis with 7 cups of tea.
21. You know where your local tips is. You know the opening hours for your local tip. You secretly love the air of accomplishment and productivity that lingers between locals at the tip.
22. You ALWAYS take a jacket just in case. Guys, this british weather is crazy and you always gotta be prepared.
23. You count candles, hand cream and washing up gloves as absolute life necessities. And basically stop breathing for at least 6 seconds if one of your gloves has fallen in the sink and has become ambushed with water. NOT MY GLOVE, NOOOOOO.
24. You legit hardly ever eat sweets anymore. Like nope, no cola bottles for you. When did this sad state of affairs even happen?
25. You lie awake at night and just worry about the world. Should you really have splurged on that lamp earlier? Is that pain you sometimes get in your chest when you run actually a heart defect and will you just drop dead? What if you do just drop dead and you don’t get to do any of the things you had planned? OMG YOU’RE GOING TO DIE. OH GOD.
26. You have like 2 friends (you used to have like 278654) but who even cares because those couple of friends are absolutely bloody ace and you don’t need ALL the people, you just need your people.
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