OK, I admit it, my student memories are fast disappearing into a distant vodka and mashed potato haze. I’m getting old. It’s nearly 4 years since I handed in my last assignment. Sob. But here’s the important things our three years and bucket load of debt taught us.
1. Rock bottom is when you’re sobbing uncontrollably in the bank and have a stranger rubbing your back.
2. All leggings, especially Primark leggings, are see-through. All of them. Always. Yes.
3. Laptops break reaaaaaaally quickly when left on for 18 hours a day at a time. On your bed. Covered in crumbs. Full of illegally downloaded things.
4. Wilkinson’s is pretty much one of the most important shops on the high street and don’t you ever forget it.
5. Friend’s/sibling’s/relative’s birthday? Print some shit off the uni computer and stick it in a frame. Win every damn time.
6. Sweeping fringes get mega greasy and unattractive on a night out. Truth hurts, gurlz.
7. It is very, very possible to get addicted to games aimed at 8-year-olds. It’s very, very possible for said games aimed at 8-year-olds to threaten your actual degree.
8. No matter how many runs and ‘healthy’ meals you cook up in the kitchen, going out out more than once a week will lead to you suddenly becoming the size of a small whale. FUCK YOU 2AM KEBABS AND ALL YOUR DELICIOUS GARLIC SAUCE.
9. There is no longer hour than the hour you have to wait when you’ve already watched 72 minutes of Megavideo, ffs.
10. No-one actually looks more attractive in fancy dress. Unless they’re 16 and maybe have their vagina sort of definitely on show.
11. It’s really nice (and makes you feel part of the community) to be on first term names with the owners of your local corner shop. Cute.
12. If you can’t afford your heating you can get a pretty good night’s sleep wearing your dressing gown, uni hoodie and a scarf. Uh huh.
13. The Morning After Pill ain’t gonna make anybody feel good about themselves. Not ever. You just got toprep some sort of hot, carby meal for straight afterwards. Ideally one that can be eaten from your bed.
14. £4 wine CAN taste nice. You just have to wait until you’re about half a bottle in and singing to Atomic Kitten.
15. Fruit is fucking expensive. Except apples, but you can keep your shit, boring apples, Asda.
16. It is entirely possible for you to sleep for 14 hours and for your body to need you to sleep for 14 hours.
17. Keeping track of direct debits and making sure you have enough money in your account every single month is fucking hard.
18. You should throw parties way more often. Why? Because you can survive off other people’s leftover alcohol for weeks.
19. There is no better way to end a night out then to make friends with a cat in the street on the walk home.
20. Staying awake all night will make you feel a bit like you’re having a stroke, being punched in the face repeatedly and having your heart broken all at the same time. just FYI.
21. You can’t afford Topshop, not ever. Nope. Back away. Forever. Go.
22. Cystitis is absolute fucking torture. It’s like having miniature people poke pins up your wee hole contsantly, before setting it alight for funsies.
23. It always pays to live with someone who has a car if you don’t have your own. Because carrying a food shop home is equivelant to entering a weightlifting competition whilst hungover with broken arms.
24. Betty Crocker packet cookie and brownie mixes are most definitely better than sex. Expecially when only cooked for half the allocated time. Come to mumma.
25. Staying in touch with people who don’t live within a 10 mile radius of you is really bloody hard.
26. Frozen food from Iceland is the absolute fucking one.
27. It’s not possible to watch enough Friends. Or Harry Potter. Or Disney films. Or chick flicks. Nuh uh.
28. There is no greater joyous feeling in your heart and soul than seeing your student loan appear in your bank account. I’LL HAVE ALL THE CLOTHES AND COCKTAILS AND NANDO’S AND HAPPINESS.