16 Tips For Giving Your Life The Best Damn Spring Detox It’s Ever Seen


Some days you wake up with a big grey cloud lingering over your head like oh hey hun, you had plans today? Soz, but I’ma follow you around and put a negative spin on everything and drain your energy, hope that’s OK.

But it’s a new year, and with a new year comes fresh opportunity to kick some butt.

So it might not *quite* be spring yet, but I thought this life detox post might help with a bit of January get up and go.

It doesn’t tell you to do anything wacky like give up Diet Coke and pizza and start buying kilo bags of flax seeds and chickpea flour. It doesn’t tell you to do fucking obvious things like ‘exercise more’ or ‘stop watching so much TV’. It’s just some stuff that I’m finding and have found, to be mega helpful in putting you in a better mood, in making you more awake, in making you feel more like the glittery version of yourself.

So yeah, here’s to having a bit more enthusiasm for life and not wanting to drown in Big Macs and red wine and blankets every single bloody day.

1. Buy a smoothie maker or food processor or something. Eurgh, I know so dull. I have this £20 one that’s stocked at Tesco, Argos, John Lewis – everywhere. I’ve had it for six years and it still works and does stuff – OH, and it’s good for blending soup just FYI. Mostly at blending leek and potato soup (come to mumma). Buy frozen fruit, buy spinach, buy ginger, buy good shit and blend it up. There’s so many recipes online. Have one a day if you can bring yourself to. It’s an easy way to snack and eat good things and it’ll make your skin and energy levels all sparkly.

2. Find a book that excites you. One of those ones you can’t put down. Then, in the evenings or when you’re on the train or whenever you’d usually sit and refresh Instagram every few seconds – read. Because let’s face it, you’re waaaaaay less likely to compare yourself and get anxious about your levels of life success compared to fictional characters than you are with a big blogger. Plus, it always makes you feel instantly mature and intelligant to be ‘in the middle of a book’. Go you.

3. Invest in more flannels. Why? Because when you use that fancy cleanser you bought because everyone was Tweeting about it with the same flannel you’ve used for the past week, it gets a tad (a lot) less effective. They cost like 50p in Asda, man up and bulk buy and make your face happier.

4. Leave your curtains open a bit when you sleep so that all that glorious natural sunlight can hit your face as it soon as it comes up. This way your body will get a headstart creating all the happy hormones that sunlight gives us before you’ve even woken up. Except if you’re drunk, ain’t nobody want light in their eyes during a hangover. Nuh uh.

5. Ok here’s a really fucking typical detox one – do pilates. I’ve been banging on about this recently because it feels like it’s minimal effort – guys, there’s NO sweat, but somehow I have these stomach muscles appearing. It’s a dream. I’m lucky enough to have a boyfriend who went out an bought an Apple TV so we could watch Netflix which means I can watch 30 minute YouTube videos on our TV and can do said pilates moves on the floor in front of it. Set your iPad or laptop up next to a nice clear spot and go, go, go! I don’t have a favourite channel to recommend but all the ones I’ve done by searching ‘pilates’ (bloody obvious) on YouTube have been pretty great.

6. Go and shave your legs, or wax them, or do whatever it is you like to do to them. Remove all your excess body hair, exfoliate with an exfoliating glove. Actually get rid of that festering dry winter skin and then smother yourself in moisturiser. Like every day. Not just once a week before a night out. Make your skin actually look like it won’t crumble and fall off if you take off your tights because there’s a freak March heatwave.

7. Drink all the bloody water. I always think I’m drinking enough water until I decided to start properly measuring it. Nope. Not even close. Be that person who carries water with them – heck, dilute it with peach squash if it’ll make you want to chain drink it. Just do it. I aim for two and a half litres if i’m trying to be really fucking on it.

8. Go to your kitchen sink. Fill it with hot water and washing up liquid. Put on rubber gloves. Get a sponge and the anti-bac spray. Oh wait, go back, start by putting music on, like seriously good happy music on and THEN fill the kitchen sink. Go to town with it. Clean the kitchen, clean the bathroom, feel like a domestic goddess who *might* conquer the world. But don’t do any of that shit without the rubber gloves, that’s disgusting.

9. DO ALL THE MASKS. Hair masks, hand masks, face masks, feet masks. Smother yourself in all the cheap lotions and potions you can snap up in Superdrug. When you feel fresh and pampered and relaxed everything just seems that little bit less aggressively hard to do.

10. And take a bath. Like chuck in any Lush bath bombs you’ve got lurking about from Christmas, a bit of bubble bath – maybe some bath oil and bath salts and whatever ever else you’ve definitely not actually bought yourself. Feel like you’re giving yourself a spring clean. Ideally one where the water is like magenta or dark blue or something fun and full of sass.

11. Buy some plants. Yeah, I’ve been banging on about Sainsbury’s £1 daffodils, but maybe you don’t want flowers that’ll only last a week. Snap up some cactuses or some succulents. Go to B&Q or IKEA and just have some fun. They start at like £2 so don’t feel guilty about ‘unneccessary spending’. Your happiness and healthy mind are totally necessary spending.

12. You know those evenings where you sit down on the sofa and don’t get up for like four hours and you don’t even know what you watched because it wasn’t anything that’s in your top 20 ever programmes? Yeah, stop those. Play Scrabble (SO underrated) or do the bath thing or have sex or just go out for a drive and a late night explore of Tesco. Seriously though, late night explores of supermarkets = secretly the funnest thing ever.

13. Spreadsheets. Oh FFS, I know – who has the motivation for spreadsheets? My boyfriend likes spreadsheets for outgoings and stuff and he seems pretty together, so I’ve started them for earnings and tax and stuff. Turns out I’ve never felt more in control of my life and my money and that than I do now. So yeah, maybe now is the time to put down all your bills and outgoings somewhere you can see them so you know if you can actually afford some sort of beach escapade this summer.

14. Perfect your bed routine. Maybe get a pillow spray. I have a Body Shop pillow spray (this one) and yeah, a tenner on a blasted pillow spray is a bit of a weird luxury and yeah sometimes I do forget I own it. But you know what? When I remember I own it and I spray it on my bed and pillows I’m like FUCK ME THIS IS GOOD. And I drift off mega easily. I charge my phone next to my bed, but I try to just leave it there rather than keep picking it up desperately trying to find something new and exciting. Pod casts are good to listen to if you’re bored of the whole READ A BOOK IN BED SPIEL.

15. Create a list of all the really bloody annoying things you need to do. Book doctor’s appointments, ring the bank, register to vote, pay the water bill, you know the annoying odd jobs I’m talking about. Then put on some soothing Spotify music, light a candle, make a cup of tea and nail them in one go. Reward yourself with sofa time and an episode of something that makes your heart seriously fucking happy. Like Grey’s Anatomy or Don’t Tell The Bride.

16. All of the above? Do it in your order. Don’t force yourself to start with number 15 or 8 because they feel like the most important ones. Start where you want. This morning the only thing I fancied doing was popping to Tesco, so I did that drive, I picked up all the frozen fruit and smoothie ingredients and a mud mask. When I got home I fancied said smoothie and then I had the motivation for pilates. Now I’ve got the motivation for this post. And next up? Next up I’m ringing the bloody doctor’s surgery to book that blood test and then I *might* clean the kitchen. After I’ve eaten some sort of ridiculously dreamy lunch, obvs.

Don’t beat yourself up and work yourself into an even greater hole of self-pity and guilt and negativity because you can’t be productive all the time. So listen to your head. I find the more YEY things (like face masks and baths and reading) that I do, the more I feel totally prepared to go and kick life’s stupid big chubby ass.

So yeah, go spring detox and live happily ever after.

Until you’re period and then you’re screwed. Soz.

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