Mostly, we’ve just come a hell of a long way from being asked to be their girlfriend by their mate during science class. Lucky us.
1. You know all those passionate, hour-long snogs you had as a horny 16-year-old? Yeah, don’t happen so much when you get old.
2. If you get overwhelming pangs to check his phone or Facebook then there’s probably something to find. If you don’t? Then there’s probably nothing to find. Easy as that.
3. Ex-boyfriends or ex-flings will always come scuppering out of the woodwork when you get hot/successful, usually in the form of Facebook messages.
4. ‘I’ll give you a massage tonight’ means ‘I’d like a massage. Oh and a blow job and all the sex. K thanks.’
5. Women get broodier much earlier than men and it’s about as easy to discuss babies as it is to do a 20k run on a hangover while wearing wellies and a onesie.
6. Never beg for their attention through texts and phone calls and tweets, not ever. Unless you’ve done something REALLY BAD and he’s ignoring you because you’re a bit of a moron.
7. It’s really fucking hard to meet new men once you’re out of education. WHERE THE FLIP ARE ALL MY ELIGIBLE BACHELORS?
8. You know when you’re majorly pissed off and a guy asks what’s wrong and you say you’re fine? He’ll probably just leave it there rather than probe you and hold you and treat you like Cinderella, so learn to grow the fuck up and use your words instead of sulking.
9. Men like candles. Maybe just as much as women.
10. When men start calling you ‘baby’ and saying ‘love you’ after a week it doesn’t mean that OHMYGODYOU’VEFOUNDTRUELOVE and happy ever afters. It means they’re a playaaaaaaaa and you should back the fuck up.
11. Maybe don’t discuss how many people you’ve slept with. No-one likes to be the one with the higher number. Seriously.
12. Males don’t give females hickeys once you enter adulthood, it’s just not a thing. Who knew?
13. They have all the emotions, they just don’t need to discuss them 112 times with various different people to understand them. They prefer to just keep them locked in their own heads. Weirdos.
14. It’s always kinder when telling a story that involves your ex to say ‘this one time I was with my friend’ rather than y’know, the fact you were actually on an anniversary date with someone else.
15. They’re really insecure with their bodies, they just don’t tweet about it, cry about it and broadcast it to the entire nation by microphone the way we do.
16. It’s 99% impossible to be as emotionally detached from casual sex from Samantha Jones in Sex And The City. Yup, true.
17. It’s also not a thing to write as openly about your love life as Carrie Bradshaw on the internet. Like how is that even a thing? Surely
18. The boys you fancied at school? They get uuuuuugly and don’t tend to carry their extra adult weight around as sassily as you do.
19. If you sleep with a guy the day you meet him, he *usually* doesn’t want to stick around for a mug of tea, let alone be your Prince Charming or boyfriend or whatever.
20. You can tell a LOT from a man by the way he treats animals – especially ones that aren’t his, like a freakish amount.
21. Rumours are pretty much always true. No-one seriously has enough time or energy to completely pull a rumour out of thin air. So don’t fall for the I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THIS IS ABOUT.
22. Men love their mums. Probably a tiny, smidge slightly more than you. That’s life.
23. Instead of being mature adults and asking about where you stand with anal, most men will just try and creep their penises and fingers into your hole and hope you just go with it.
24. If he can’t be there for you in your hour of need, he isn’t your knight in shining armour, he isn’t the love of your life and you DO deserve more.
25. You cannot wait for a man, not ever. Sure, wait 10 minutes if he’s late for a date because ALLTHETRAFFIC, but if you’re waiting for him to catch up with you on life milestones, remember he may never be ready for you.
26. The right one won’t make you cry, not ever. Not unless they’re the happy OHMYGODI’MFEELINGALLTHEEMOTIONS type. Nope.
27. Despite the fact they may look like men, inside they are still five year olds desperate to build dens, play games consoles and laugh at farts.