1. Nothing appears to have changed since I last picked up my phone 27 seconds ago. Fuming.
2. What the absolute fuckety fuck is Kim Kardashian wearing? Wait, did Kanye dress her again? Crikey.
3. Oh look, someone else has Instagrammed their avocado and poached egg on toast. That’s ground-breaking and new and original. Well done them.
4. Wait, maybe I want avocado and poached egg on toast? *Instagrams breakfast*
5. People need to stop using #NoFilter. That photo is desperately sobbing for a filter like its life depended on it. Eww. What are people?
6. Wait hang on, no, seriously, they’re going on holiday AGAIN?
7. I’m going to sit and go back every single Instagram photo on their account from the last year to count how many holidays they’ve been on. Yup. Time well spent.
8. Oooh a new comment! My emotions are so high I feel so popular and loved, now what does it say? Oh, ‘Lyk 4 lyk’. Someone come and shoot me in the face.
9. Why does everyone take outfit posts of their feet? I don’t understand.
10. Oh, someone bought themselves a new Mulberry bag, that’s like, a really cool story. Please do tell me more.
11. WHY IS EVERYONE IN NEW YORK AND WHY AM I NOT IN NEW YORK WHAT IS LIFE.
12. Hey, hang on, why is everyone else having more fun than me? And wait, is THAT an engagement ring. Oh come on.
13. Maybe I should hide my phone away somewhere and take a break from social media and concentrate on all the good things in my life. Yep, that’s what I’ll do.
14. WAIT, WHAT EVEN IS THAT PICTURE LAUREN GOODGER JUST UPLOADED?
15. Everyone seems to be eating a hell of a lot of burgers and cake and not getting fat. I don’t understand. Maybe I have a really slow metabolism, OMG maybe there’s something wrong with me making me fat.
16. Some people are so bad at taking photos they shouldn’t even be allowed Instagram, I’m embarrassed for them.
17. Are we really still doing hot dogs or legs? That’s so 2012, FFS.
18. Maybe I don’t post enough selfies, maybe I should do my make-up especially to take selfies the way I did when I was 15, except for MySpace. Uh huh.
19. And I’ll use Amaro, because obviously.
20. Oh look someone’s holding a baby that isn’t theres. How quaint and lovely for the world to see. Zzzz.
21. And someone else is in their gym clothes taking a selfie in the mirror, pretending like they do this more than once a month. Go them.
22. I hate the world and everyone in it and myself and life and OHMYGODIMCRYING.
23. Might upload something arty and emotional involving a cup of tea.