Yeah, I could have thought up this list whilst it was still 2014, but turns out my brain doesn’t work like that. Enjoy.
1. Can’t. Stop. Playing. Flappy. Bird. OHMYFUCKINGGODSOMEONETAKETHISIPADOFFME.
2. What the flipping heck is micellar water and how do I pronounce it? *Buys three bottles*
3. Yes, fantastic idea, I’ll wear my leopard print bag with this outfit. Oh fuck, I’m already wearing leopard print shoes. WHY IS MY LIFE SO HARD? Maybe I should stop buying all the leopard. Maybe.
4. I can’t believe Peaches Geldof is dead. I literally can’t believe it, she’s 25, I was Instagram stalking her yesterday. This is unreal. What is the world. It definitely can’t have been drugs.
5. Oh, it was drugs. Oh.
6. I’m so naive, why do so many celebrities do drugs? Am I the only one not doing it? Am I weird? Is heroin really that nice?
7. I deserve gel nails. I definitely deserve a gel manicure. I work hard. Yup.
8. Um, so, err, where’s that plane then? Maybe it is all an elaborate conspiracy, why else would all the passengers’ phones keep ringing afterwards? Huh? Huh?
9. The word bae is so lame, I’m going to use it ironically. After 764 times is it still ironic? It is, right? Right?
10. This iPhone 6 is so big and slippery in my hands. I’m definitely going to smash this whilst drunk. Jolly good, Apple. Thanks. Good show.
11. WHAT ARE KYLIE JENNER’S LIPS?! WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? SOMEONE EXPLAIN? SHE LOOKS RIDIC.
12. But maybe I should buy that MAC lipstick she uses anyway, and then watch 17 YouTube tutorials. Uh huh.
13. On another note, Kendall Jenner. Hubba, Hubba.
14. Maybe I should splash out a stupid amount of money on a NutriBullet and that way I’ll DEFINITELY start drinking juices and being really healthy and then yeah, I’ll be hot and everyone on Instagram will want to be me. Sorted.
15. BROADCHURCH IS BACK SOON, BROADCHURCH IS BACK SOON. FUCKJHWEIUYTYT.
16. Oh, people are wearing knee high boots again. Is this a thing? Is this a thing I should get on board with? Or, wait, am I too stumpy? Yup, pretty much definitely too stumpy. Sob.
17. Maybe I should start vlogging or YouTubing or whatever, EVERYONE is doing and making so much money and getting so much free shit. How hard can it be? You just film yourself on your phone and then, yeah, oh, hang on, nope, no idea.
18. I believe I’ve read 19 articles about depression in the wake of Robin Williams’ death. This is good. The world is becoming a better place. I’m proud of the world. Hang on, have I got depression?
19. CHERYL COLE GOT MARRIED. WHAT THE? WHAT?
20. Ooh, something else with my inital on, I must buy immediately and then Instagram it as soon as I get home. Yes.
21. I’ve eaten avocado and poached eggs four times this week, is that a problem?
22. I might listen to 1989 for the rest of my life and daydream about being best friends with Taylor Swift. We’re soul mates, she just doesn’t know it yet.
23. Selfie sticks are well stupid. You’re all so lame. Wait, hang on, why didn’t I get one for Christmas? Guuuuuys?
24. HOW THE FLYING FUCK IS IT 2015? I THOUGHT WE’D HAVE FLYING CARS AND TELEPORTING PODS.