Because it’s the same ever single bloody time.
1. Am I going to get laid tonight?
2. Smoky party eye or bright lip?
3. LOL JK, I don’t know how to do a smoky eye without looking like I’ve been punched in the face repeatedly.
4. Ahh wine, it has been a long time coming. Sweet sweet wine, my one reliable darling in this cruel, unjust world.
5. FUCKING HELL THIS TASTES LIKE DEAD RATS AND NAIL VARNISH REMOVER AND GRAPE FAECES.
6. Um, quick question, why are all my clothes so tight? I look like I’m with child.
7. And, ow, ow, ow my clothes are cutting in and making me feel nauseous and oh my god take the wine away.
8. When I straighten my hair I look like the 4th member of Atomic Kitten, cute.
9. Might put some volume powder in. Bit more. Bit more. SHITTING HECK I’VE GOT ONE GIANT DREADLOCK.
10. My fake eye lashes are stuck to my tweezers, FFS.
11. Why can’t I put them on? Why do they make me look like I’m having a stroke?
12. Is it too late to just stay in and eat pizza in my pants whilst watching Bridesmaids?
13. I actually look so nice tonight, I should take an Instagram selfie.
14. Oh for Pete’s sake this looks nothing like how I look in the mirror, I look like a greasy Lauren Goodger with less of the lips
15. Aaaaand now my phone’s run out of storage thanks to the 47 selfies I just took.
16. All the wine.
17. GAH, the taste of all the wine.
18. OK, so realistically I should definitely be wearing my hold-in pants if I’m going to insist on wearing this size 10 Topshop dress that cost half my wages and stops me being able to fully use my lungs.
19. Wait, but, sex.
20. I mean my unshaved lady parts and period dregs are probably the main issues here.
21. I could squat in the bath and sort myself out?
22. I wonder if other people can smell how biscuit-y I am?
23. Mmm biscuits. CANNOT WAIT FOR MY 3AM KEBAB. Hopefully I’ll be so drunk I can get a donner and there’ll be nobody to judge me.
24. These shoes have been on my feet for 37 seconds and it feels a lot like there’s bear traps attached to my ankles.
25. OMG YES WE SHOULD DO JAEGERBOMBS BEFORE THE TAXI GETS HERE.
26. I really think I might be sick.
27. GOING OUT IS THE BEST THING EVER, I LOVE SATURDAY NIGHT. SATURDAY NIGHT IS THE BEST. I LOVE LIFE.
*Is sick out of nose, climbs into taxi, heads out*