10 extreme Tesco products I had no idea existed

You know how it is, you arrive back from holiday to a carton of lumpy milk, some dried up crispy bacon, and a can of kidney beans, so you survive off takeaways until you can be bothered to hit up Tesco (i’ve had two McDonalds’ and a Pizza Hut delivery just FYI).

Now, some might argue that wearing a loud kimono, a white lace dress and a clutch bag is too much for Ipswich Tesco on a Thursday at around 10.30am on a Thursday, and yes, you *may* be right, but I forget to pack post-holiday clothes for my time in Suffolk. My bad.

My boyfriend decided to do a weekly shop, I decided to hunt for this skirt, buy diced mango, a bulky pack of Cystopurin and a few bottles of fruit cider. Priorities.

Whilst dragging my sandaled feet around the store like a bored sulky child I happened upon some rather exciting products that I had no idea either existed or that Tesco was wild enough to stock.

1. Stella Artois Raspberry Cider

Stella, the manly, domestic-abuse lager, now has a girlish, sweet, pink drink. Bit gay. Bought one, drank it in front of the England match like a lad and quite enjoyed it. No Rekorderlig, but better than drinking actual Stella.

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2. Family-sized bag of sweet peppers

Sweet peppers are only sold in Sainsbury’s as part of the Taste The Difference range and now Tesco are selling them wholesale like they’re a bag of tanger-bloody-rines. What next, tinned avocado? Lindt choc ices? I feel like the world is falling apart. *Buys immediately*

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3. Osterich sausages

Because what’s better on a hangover than a fresh white bloomer paired with ketchup and a sausage made of a giant bird?

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4. A whole freezer full of frozen alcohol

This is not, rather surprisingly, a shop in Magauf, it’s in your bog standard Tesco. I’ve done a little excited wee over the Smirnoff Mango Sorbet already. Screw you Pimms, i’ve got a new favourite summer drink and it’s so much more deliciously chavtastic.

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5. Strawberry Squares cereal

I don’t even like cereal but these look like all sorts of joy. They were nestled next to the Fruit Loops and Lucky Charms and look just as inside-destroying and teeth-rotting but with less of the gigantic American export price tag.

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6. Matchmakers share bag

A little part of me just dribbled when I wrote the title for number 6. Seriously, will anyone EVER buy Maltesers again? It’s like an instant taste trip back to your parents’ 1999 dinner parties. WIN.

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7. Thai Mango

A Thai-fricking-mango dressed in a little yellow jacket IN TESCO.

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8. Mary Berry’s salad dressings

How did I not know Mary Bezza was whipping up homemade salad dressings for Tesco?

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9. Green tomatoes

Oh wait, i’m sorry, emerald tomatoes. You can buy juicy, mysterious emerald tomatoes at your local Tesco. Jamie Oliver ans his 30-minute meal book will be so happy.

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10. Mental crisp flavours

After a week eating 7823 different variatons of paprika crisps, these sweet baby joys dazzled me, and confused me. We bought the Hunter Chicken bag (alongside a bag of standard malt vinegar and sea salt) and they tasted like a mouth orgasm.

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