You know how it is, you arrive back from holiday to a carton of lumpy milk, some dried up crispy bacon, and a can of kidney beans, so you survive off takeaways until you can be bothered to hit up Tesco (i’ve had two McDonalds’ and a Pizza Hut delivery just FYI).
Now, some might argue that wearing a loud kimono, a white lace dress and a clutch bag is too much for Ipswich Tesco on a Thursday at around 10.30am on a Thursday, and yes, you *may* be right, but I forget to pack post-holiday clothes for my time in Suffolk. My bad.
My boyfriend decided to do a weekly shop, I decided to hunt for this skirt, buy diced mango, a bulky pack of Cystopurin and a few bottles of fruit cider. Priorities.
Whilst dragging my sandaled feet around the store like a bored sulky child I happened upon some rather exciting products that I had no idea either existed or that Tesco was wild enough to stock.
1. Stella Artois Raspberry Cider
Stella, the manly, domestic-abuse lager, now has a girlish, sweet, pink drink. Bit gay. Bought one, drank it in front of the England match like a lad and quite enjoyed it. No Rekorderlig, but better than drinking actual Stella.
2. Family-sized bag of sweet peppers
Sweet peppers are only sold in Sainsbury’s as part of the Taste The Difference range and now Tesco are selling them wholesale like they’re a bag of tanger-bloody-rines. What next, tinned avocado? Lindt choc ices? I feel like the world is falling apart. *Buys immediately*
3. Osterich sausages
Because what’s better on a hangover than a fresh white bloomer paired with ketchup and a sausage made of a giant bird?
4. A whole freezer full of frozen alcohol
This is not, rather surprisingly, a shop in Magauf, it’s in your bog standard Tesco. I’ve done a little excited wee over the Smirnoff Mango Sorbet already. Screw you Pimms, i’ve got a new favourite summer drink and it’s so much more deliciously chavtastic.
5. Strawberry Squares cereal
I don’t even like cereal but these look like all sorts of joy. They were nestled next to the Fruit Loops and Lucky Charms and look just as inside-destroying and teeth-rotting but with less of the gigantic American export price tag.
6. Matchmakers share bag
A little part of me just dribbled when I wrote the title for number 6. Seriously, will anyone EVER buy Maltesers again? It’s like an instant taste trip back to your parents’ 1999 dinner parties. WIN.
7. Thai Mango
A Thai-fricking-mango dressed in a little yellow jacket IN TESCO.
8. Mary Berry’s salad dressings
How did I not know Mary Bezza was whipping up homemade salad dressings for Tesco?
9. Green tomatoes
Oh wait, i’m sorry, emerald tomatoes. You can buy juicy, mysterious emerald tomatoes at your local Tesco. Jamie Oliver ans his 30-minute meal book will be so happy.
10. Mental crisp flavours
After a week eating 7823 different variatons of paprika crisps, these sweet baby joys dazzled me, and confused me. We bought the Hunter Chicken bag (alongside a bag of standard malt vinegar and sea salt) and they tasted like a mouth orgasm.