I don’t want to alarm anyone, but as of 2.54am this morning, I am a mother to a 12-week old.
Things to tell you: I have used the word ‘son’ once because it freaks the bejesus out of me (I say ‘my baby’ rather than ‘my son’ because for some reason that makes me feel less old).
I have also had one hangover, fallen over whilst carrying the car seat once, experienced two with-baby hotel stays, had one date night, been to London for work events five times and cried because I’ve struggled to balance it all, ooh – about three times.
It has been quite the whirlwind.
I’ll stop with all the dramatic italics now.
And so yeah, I thought now seemed like a good time to check in and give you all a proper update on the whole motherhood lol I have a baby thing.
Where to begin?
I guess I’ll start with the basics. The things you might be interested in if you too have a baby and want to compare experiences.
Atticus is currently combination fed. He snacks from the boob if we’re at home during the day, and I usually express two bottles – one in the morning and one before bed – and the rest of the time he’s on formula.
I wasn’t going to mention feeding as I know everyone (and their aunt’s parrot’s best friend) has an opinion on it, but I feel like it’s important to talk about it honestly. Combination works best for us because of the flexibility – but also because my oversupply was making it hideously hard to breastfeed at night without turning on 473284 lights and coating us both in a small lake of breast milk. Which was then, y’know, making us both extra tired and extra grumpy.
Atti’s not the world’s greatest sleeper. He still wakes every 2-3 hours for a feed most nights and is ridiculously hard to settle after about 4am – even with white noise and a dummy and every other self-settling device known to man.
BUT he’s a pretty chilled out happy baby during the day so y’know, swings and roundabouts.
He smiles (BEST. THING. EVER), he’s obsessed with watching The Simpsons on the sofa, and he babbles his way through entire conversations.
And, he is a delight. A real bloody delight.
I edged back into the working world when he was a month old. Partly because I had no maternity pay and was worried I’d run out of money and partly because I – dun dun dun – missed it.
I didn’t expect to, but the motivation just came flooding back the moment my pregnancy ended. And, I mean maybe it’s a bad thing, but I feel like work defines me just as much as motherhood does.
I enjoy it. I thrive off it. I live for it. It makes me feel like me.
Some people use things like exercise to give them a mental boost and a break from the monotony of every day life – but for me, my work, my blog and my online space gives me that.
It is the very thing that gives my head a much-welcome break from the constant stream of nappies and feeds and steriliser tablets and naps and dummies.
And because it’s something that I no longer have access to 24 hours a day, I feel like I enjoy it more.
My work has become a treat and I no longer feel guilty about how much I get done because it is no longer my number one job in life – being a parent to an actual child, and not an online child, is.
In many respects I’ve found the whole motherhood thing easier than I expected. I mean sure OK yes the sleep deprivation is a fucker (although you absolutely do get used to it), but actually, I’ve been amazed at how easy it is to just go on living your life as normal.
In all the LOL YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO DO THAT AGAIN advice I was given whilst pregnant, one of the only positive things I heard was from Chris’s mum, who said: ‘Your life doesn’t actually have to change that much if you don’t want it to.’
And y’know what? It hasn’t.
Sure of course, those early days were wild, mostly because you’re shellshocked and the baby’s shellshocked and you’re all like WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON.
But then after you’ve all calmed down and got to know each other and you start venturing out the house and doing normal things like brunch and popping to Tesco and having a little peruse on the high street, well then suddenly you’re like wow my life actually looks a bit like it did before.
I mean granted you have to look for parking spaces big enough to get the car seat out, and you have to take a bag full of nappies and muslins everywhere you go, and you can’t like, put yourself first the way you did before, but I think you can absolutely recognise your old life in your new life.
I still text my mates about crime documentaries and JW Anderson bags and Big Macs, I’m not only good for LOL LOOK MY BABY DID THIS.
Although spoiler: I am a bit.
I worried that I would lose my identity after I gave birth and that everything I found interesting or knew about myself would change, but it hasn’t.
I am still Hannah.
And if anything, I feel like a better Hannah.
A kinder Hannah and a warmer Hannah and a sparklier Hannah.
I’ve said for a long time that I was happy and that life was good but that it always felt like something was missing. Everyone said that if that was how I felt then maybe I would always feel that way, that I should be content with my lot as it was. But I knew. I knew that when I had my own family, my own baby, my own children, that I would feel complete.
It’s corny as fuck, but it’s true.
I feel like I have found the place I was always supposed to end up.
And, bloody hell, it’s one heck of a juggling act, and it’s tough and it’s tiring, but quite honestly, life couldn’t be any better.
Blazer – River Island
Sunglasses – Primark (current stock)
Shirt – Matalan
Jeans – Primark (current stock)
Heels – Primark (current stock)
Oh and Atti’s leggings are Mini Rodini (although H&M have a cheaper version)