I HAVE A BABY GROWING IN MY BELLY.
An actual human baby and not like, y’know, one of my other babies with fur jackets and whiskers.
A little baby that can somersault and suck its thumb. A little baby with a heartbeat and functioning organs. A little baby that can ~almost~ hear me (is it too soon to crack out the Harry Potter audio books or nah?). And a little baby that is half me and half Chris.
So yeah, surprise.
Naturally as I’ve sat down to write this (on a train because obviously all my best work comes from outdated Greater Anglia carriages), my devil child has chuckled to itself and decided to give me my first wave of morning sickness in days. So I’m attempting to discreetly wolf down a bag of salt and vinegar Discos in a bid to fix myself and y’know what? They seem to be working.
(It’s 9am and I’m on a packed train, so yeah, I’m mildly embarrassed).
So, what to tell you?
Our little love bug is due at the very beginning of 2018. Christmas is going to be a corker which I imagine will mostly involve me sniffing other people’s glasses of red wine and stock-piling blue cheese and pate in the fridge ready for the ultimate post-baby feast come January.
We’re not going to find out whether it’s a boy or girl, which is all fun and games until you want to start checking out onesies and then heaven forbid you’ve only got a choice of white, baby pink with flowers or baby blue with trucks. COME ON GUYS, IT’S 2017, NOT THE OLDEN DAYS. So if anyone does have any cute baby clothes recommendations, please do hook a girl up.
(Yes, I’m aware the baby is literally just going to destroy everything it wears with vomit, but that didn’t stop me buying cute new dresses when I was 18, did it?).
We have some name ideas! We bought one of those little fluffy winter all-in-ones with the bear ears on the hood! We’ve read Mother Of Daughter’s pregnancy book back to front!
We are obviously creepily excited. I mean like so excited I think we’ve been to like five different shops just to stroke pushchairs and pretend like we know what we’re looking for.
Am I scared? Not hugely. I mean obviously I’m not over the moon at the prospect of trying to push a watermelon out of my vagina, but y’know, swings and roundabouts. We’ll deal with that hurdle closer to the time.
And I am a little apprehensive about how just much my life is going to change. Mostly because people keep very kindly telling me about all the things I definitely won’t want to do with a baby, which is just swell.
But more than anything I am feeling content and chilled.
It has undeniably been a rollercoaster couple of months – what with raging pregnancy hormones, extreme tiredness and lots of heaving over the ol’ toilet bowl – as well as the death of my wonderful babcia.
But I feel good, I feel happy, I feel, well, I feel just really right.
Unsurprisingly, as well as the happiness, I’ve had moments where I’ve felt incredibly overwhelmed, frustrated and alone.
I’ve found it beyond difficult to accept that I will never be able to introduce my grandmother to her great grandchild. But I know she is watching me and looking after us both and I know she would be incredibly proud and I’m trying to hold onto that.
And I’ve also struggled to watch the version of myself that I’ve come to know and love slip away from me as I’ve battled with fatigue and haven’t been able to achieve even 20% of what I could before I fell pregnant. I like to be superwoman, to push myself, and I’ve had to neatly pack my cape away alongside the pornstar martinis and my get-up-and-go.
I’ve got my fingers crossed that this second trimester is kinder to me.
But now that our secret is finally out of the open, I think it’ll help me to cut myself a bit of slack when it comes to work. I was so freaked out that people would think I was lazy for stopping the newsletter and stepping back from weekly vlogging and cutting down on blog posts, that I’m not sure I ever really relaxed as much as I should have in those first few months.
So yeah, apologies in advance if there are slow weeks and gaps in content but this growing a human malarkey is pretty full-on.
And on that note, I’m off to take a nap. Enjoy your weekends, dreamboats!
Big thanks to Chloe for shooting these photos for me, Chris for putting up with my hideous demands, and New Look for selling this hunk of a dress, is now only available in a couple of sizes, sob (although there’s also this similar one).