This week has felt huge – scrap that, monumental – for me. Not in the sense that anything obviously big has happened, but in the sense that I seemed to have revealed the inner workings of my soul, not just to you guys, but to myself.
I feel a bit unsteady and rocky. I feel like I could nap at any given time. I feel one minute as if the world might just overwhelm me and I will cease to exist, and the next as though I am at the start of the road to recovery. I feel both wildly optimistic and free and yet fragile and hurting at the same time.
Y’see, I kind of thought my mentally painful days were behind me. I came off the anti-depressants years ago. I felt better and I felt good. And well, I felt like me. The version of myself I always hoped I would grow into.
And I’m not saying that any of those things weren’t true, because I am sure in many ways I am better. But at the same time, this week has found me acknowledging that eventually, every single emotion you push deep down and try and bottle away, will resurface.
You cannot run away from your brain, from your past and from your pain. And so this week is huge because it marks the week that I finally decided to face everything head on.
Here’s some changes I’m making for the future…
I told you guys on Monday morning that I was going to book myself a counselling appointment. By lunchtime I’d found someone I liked the look of enough to send an email, and by Tuesday I was all booked in. My first session (an introductory one to see if we ‘gel’) is tomorrow morning and I cannot wait.
I’m freakin’ terrified of all the things I don’t really want to think about, let alone say out loud to a stranger, but I think I owe it to myself – to the past Hannah Gale and the future Hannah Gale – to do this. To try it. To give it my best shot.
At this stage I’ve no idea if I’ll want to talk about it or write about it, but I know a lot of you have said you’d like to hear about it, so watch this space, I’m going to try and bring you as much as I can. Because hey, if I can help someone else aside from myself that’s absolute bloody aces.
I used to keep a diary every single day for years. Mostly it was about boys I fancied and which friends I’d fallen out with, but there was the odd entry where I would go deep and write the things that troubled me the most.
Over the years this blog has become my diary space, a place where I write when I need a release, a place to sound out my thoughts and ideas, and it’s meant I’ve neglected the notebooks which once contained my inner workings.
Last night I opened a fresh one, and started again. Because although I feel like I share my whole self with you, there will always be a little bit I hold back. The parts that scare me, or make me feel embarrassed or guilty or the parts that could hurt people. And I hope it will help me understand myself better.
It’ll be no surprise if you watch my vlogs to learn that I’ve been exhausted recently. New level exhausted. I spend about 62% of my time daydreaming about coffee and sleep. Anyway, I put most of it down to work stress – things have been crazy busy around these parts recently, call it preparation for a slightly slower summer – but even as the stress has simmered down, the tiredness has not.
So I’ve decided to try and get some more good ol’ natural nutrients in my diet. I went out this morning and spent £12 (!!!) on fruit, in a bid to stop me snacking on random crap like chocolate fingers and popcorn and toast. I’m not going on some weird diet or health kick because lord knows I love a McDonald’s, I’m just trying to ensure my body is getting enough of everything it needs right now.
P.S. These chipper snaps are from some time in March. I just hadn’t used them in a post yet and thought why the funk not.