I find that a huge part of being of growing up as generation millennial, is trying to find balance.
Balance between getting slightly drunk so that you’re fun and confident, but not embarrassing-being-sick-on-yourself-drunk. Balance between have enough of an online presence so that you’re easy to contact and ~tech savvy~, but not so much that you’re neglecting your offline life.
And balance between working hard enough that you feel proud of yourself, your ambitions and your success and feeling like you’ve made something of your life, but not working so hard that you run yourself into a whirlpool of exhaustion, stress, anxiety and feeling like you might burst into tears and start rocking on the ground if you see one tweet that *could* be aimed at you.
I feel like I live in a constant repetitive loop of YES, let’s take over the world. Let’s put on the good music and werk, werk, werk and be a sassy girl boss and say yes to everything and be amazing and be the version of yourself you’ve always wanted to be and then oh cripes, the world is a lot to handle and I can’t breathe because of the crippling weight of all the pressures I’ve just shoved on top of myself.
Before admitting defeat, maybe crying, having a bubble bath, ordering pizza and then starting the whole cycle again.
It’s tiring. Really, really tiring. And a bit dull. And let’s face it, a huge part of the cycle and the feeling that you’re not working hard enough followed by the need to work crazy hard *probably* stems from some underlying feeling that you’re not good enough.
That you, as you are right now, is not enough. That you’ve got to keep on succeeding and pushing yourself and doing more to prove that you are worthy as a person – to the world – but mostly to yourself.
I did a one-card pull from my Tarot deck at 1am on Saturday after a bottle of wine and a lot of Nintendo 64 action. I pulled the chariot card.
A card about success, victory and overcoming obstacles through confidence and control. And I guess to me that means in order to really ‘win’ at my job, I need to take control over it. To have faith in myself that what I’m doing is good enough, rather than second guessing myself and wondering if other people like what I’m putting out there.
I need to do me, and not anyone else.
This morning, I fell back asleep when Chris got out of bed. That’s been happening a lot recently.
He woke me up at ten to eight as he left for work with a hot cup of tea, a kiss on the forehead and a little tickle under the armpits that made me giggle.
It was the best start to the day.
And I lay there for a bit, with sleepy eyes and an equally sleepy mind, just reveling in the pure joy of the little things in life. Those little moments with special people who make you understand why everything you’ve had to battle through up until now was worth it.
And then I picked up my phone and did the hourly app scroll. HELLO THIRTY NEW OVERNIGHT FOLLOWERS ON INSTAGRAM, where did you lover lovers come from? Meh, no good emails. Huh very few Twitter notifications. And look, no-one’s paid me. Eeesh not looking so chipper on the Bloglovin saves front. Ooh I hit 7,200 subs on YouTube, nice one. Oh freak it, why is she in Paris? Why am I not in Paris. I wish I could have done an Insta collab with that brand. Why wasn’t I invited on that trip to New York? I love New York. Oooh let’s get out of bed and go for a wee and yes, let’s have a little weigh in. Ah, still haven’t shifted a single pound of my Christmas weight, bravo body.
And then I crawl back into bed for the dregs of my tea. And the weight of all the things I ‘wasn’t good enough for’, and the pressures of all the things I need to do to make myself ‘good enough’, threaten to crush me, to eat me alive. The sponsored Instagram post, the editing of the weekly vlog, the funny but cute but natural Instagram stories, the personal blog post, the swish fashion blog post – it all lays on my chest and threatens to take me down like a wrestler pinning me to the ground.
And suddenly I don’t want to get out of bed anymore. I don’t want to do today.
All those happy giggles from just 15 minutes ago have slid away into the background and been replaced by a fear for the day. A dread that I won’t get through it all, that I won’t be good enough, that I won’t live up to the expectations I set myself.
And I don’t want a life like that. I want a life where the human interactions, those perfect moments with people we love most, as well as the perfect moments with strangers – the chatter with the Tesco checkout lady, the smile with the elderly woman across the street – mean more than the numbers on apps and our successes in work.
I want this post to be a reminder to cut yourself some slack. To step back when the world gets too much. To breathe. To see people. To live a little harder and work a little less. We have one life, don’t waste it refreshing Instagram and berating yourself for not having the things and opportunities other people do.
You are already enough.
Over and out.