Let’s face it, we’ve had it real good. I mean yeah sure OK, there was that ugly recession and we can’t buy homes and lol, what’s a savings account. But we were the only generation to get to enjoy life before the internet and life with, well, the internet.
Here’s 36 amazing life moments our hypothetical children will never experience…
1. Dedicating an entire day to organising your CD tower which was basically the same height as you and laden with gems like S Club Juniors and Mis-Teeq <3
2. Having to pep talk yourself into pulling out your Forever Friends address book, getting your BFFs LANDLINE number and dialing, knowing that it was likely that your mates’ PARENTS would answer. Imagine, talking to a grown-up, on the phone. Fucking hell.
3. Opening an inflatable chair for Christmas, blowing it up by mouth, perching it next to the sofa and sitting on it for the entire duration of Home Alone 2 even though it was more uncomfortable than sitting on a bin liner draped over a slab of concrete.
4. Coming home from school and whipping up a v nutritious snack of chips and pizza in the microwave. Who said 10-year-olds can’t look after themselves, eh?
5. Ending a phone call on your mobile phone by flipping it shut like the sassiest bitch that ever existed. RIP flip phones. Miss you, boo.
6. Heading out into your local town centre with the sole mission to ‘find clothes that Mary-Kate and Ashley would wear’.
7. Having to wait an entire week to pick up the photos from your birthday party from Boots because lol you’re not some sort of bazillionaire that can afford the £7 fee for one hour photo developing.
8. And then painstakingly spending an entire Saturday scanning each photo onto your family computer all at jaunty angles. Just so that you could have a new MSN profile pic that your school crush might fancy you in, obvs.
9. Having a bath and stealing all your mum’s bath pearls because ooh look they melt and MUCH fun. Turns out no-one uses them anymore, sob.
10. Spending an entire Saturday night ‘working out’ on the dance mat, just so that the next time you went bowling with your mates, you’d be able to whip out some killer moves and pretend you were obviously just born to be the next Jessica Alba in Honey.
11. ‘Bagsying’ your dad’s phone for the entire hour long journey to your grandparents just so that they could play Snake on repeat and beat your brother’s score.
12. Rubbing every 50p coin that went into your piggy bank just in case, y’know, you got to make a wish.
13. Having phone battery that legit lasted a whole entire week, because turns out flicking through those weird ‘I’m running late’ and ‘Happy Birthday!’ text templates doesn’t drain your battery the way scrolling through Instagram does.
14. Picking up a new Argos catalogue from town on a Saturday afternoon, coming home and flipping straight to the belly bar page, and staring at it like a thing of pure beauty. Would you go for a dangly one with blue stones or a classic Playboy one?
15. Getting stuck on a computer game and then putting the disk away for at least a year because lol, no internet to Google walkthroughs.
16. Diving straight into the TV programme that came with your parents’ weekend newspaper so that you could circle everything you wanted to watch during the week ahead. I got you Animal Hospital, I got you.
17. Covering your entire bedroom with animal posters torn from the centre of Girl Talk magazine.
18. Trying to get your Zoombinis across that damned bridge, because you’d been super good at school that week and had been chosen to have an entire HOUR on the classroom computer playing the only game they had access to.
19. Coming home from school and having fresh Groovy Chick bedding across your bunk beds. Oh baby, you so sassy.
20. Waltzing into the school canteen and snapping up a turkey twizzler because who cares what’s in it, it tastes like dreams, happiness and ambition.
21. Helping your parents with the food shop, solely so that you could whimper your way into being treated to a new phone top-up card because you accidentally sent a text that was three texts long and it rinsed your final 30p credit.
22. Picking out your first ever Tammy Girl thong. Like, would you go for the Union Jack one, or maybe one that said ‘G I R L S R U L E’ in glitter bubble writing?
23. Completing your entire half term homework using Encarta ’95 and Ask Jeeves.
24. Trying to pick out the perfect birthday card in Clinton’s before your friend’s sleepover. Like, which Bubblegum character best suited her personality? Was she a Blonde Bombshell or a Nutty Tart?
25. Just accepting that your living room TV would be a casual five feet from the wall because it was deeper than it was wide. Probs to house all the teeny tiny people living inside that made it work, obvs.
26. Being the kid in assembly who’s in charge of putting the write hymn sheets on the projector. THE FEAR. THE RESPONSIBILITY.
27. Shoplifting a fizzy cola bottle from Woolworth’s and living in fear that you’d probably get caught and go to jail and that would be you done. But man did it taste better when it was free <3
28. Going on holiday, making new friends and then only being able to stay in contact via letter, often written in smelly gel pens and adorned in glittery stickers.
29. Being able to spend your weekly £2 pocket money down Londis on crisps, sweets, chocolate and cake without being greeted with aggressive red YOUR ENTIRE WEEKLY CALORIE INTAKE notifications. Alright, chill out, maybe you just really like saturated fat, y’know?
30. Having a cork board full of photos of your mates – made up entirely of snaps from the photobooth next to Wilkinson’s in town, and grainy, dark photos from the £1 disposable camera you picked up from the poundshop that lol didn’t have a flash.
31. Pootling down to Blockbuster on a Saturday evening, armed with a fiver and your dad’s Blockbuster card. Spending the best part of an hour toying between She’s All That and Cruel Intentions.
32. Attempting to squeeze a Walkman into your coat pocket because dang, you got to look cute walking around with your headphones in your ears like some mysterious cool girl.
33. Having to set up an hour by hour timetable for the family computer during the school holidays because FFS you’ve got got to share with your brothers and sisters. ONE COMPUTER PER FAMILY, what a time to be alive, eh?
34. Lazing back whilst your mate got to work on plucking your brows for them, and looking in the mirror afterwards to see 12 singular hairs left on your face. Perfection <3
35. Spending hours designing your social media profile – because hey, girl gotta have a fly Bebo skin and MySpace wallpaper. And now they’re all white and same-y. Heh.
36. Going to Tesco and buying a pack of blank CDs so that you could burn your own compilation CDs, made up of sweet tunes you downloaded 102% legally on Limewire and WinMX. Basically a DJ tbh.
Oh man, we’ve had a good life. Eh?