Sure, shop assistants don’t bother ID-ing you anymore because of the fine lines suddenly creeping about all over your face, but there’s some mega wonderful things about being in your late twenties too…
1. You’ve found the key to eternal happiness. And it starts and ends with wearing pants that come up as high as your belly button. Ideally in cotton, ideally from Marks & Spencer. Oh baby, come to mumma. And to think you wore lace pieces of string around your vagina for an actual decade, you fool.
2. You finally understand why all grown-ups in American sitcoms were obsessed with coffee. Cappuccino <3 Latte <3 Espresso <3 PSL <3 Filter coffee <3 Black coffee <3 Instant coffee <3 COFFEE <3
3. It’s acceptable to stay in, rather than y’know, drink VKs until you’re vomming in a club toilet at 2am. In fact, staying in is even considered cool now, so there’s no more lying about having a recurring bout of cystitis just so you can stay in and watch X Factor with a plate of pesto pasta. HUZZAH.
4. You have money, or at least *access* to money (love you Mastercard angel face), which means sometimes you can do crazy shit like buying a £26 foundation just ‘cos.
5. Your life kind of maybe actually resembles where you thought it would be when you wrote the ‘where I’ll be in five years’ part of your Year 11 yearbook entry. I mean sure, it’s taken you at least double the time to get there, but look at you, you fly, smokin’ piece of ass. Living in London, with a job you don’t hate and there’s A BOY. A BOY. Sixteen year old you would be doing sassy girl emojis all over the place.
6. You like red wine, you like gin and tonic, you like multi-seed bread. You are, to anyone who looks in, a proper fully-fledged grown up a *bit* like your parents.
7. Because you’re y’know, a bit old, people assume you have your shit together and have some big grand sensible life plan. So when you drop clangers like ‘I’m leaving my job’ or ‘I’ve just taken a £10k loan for a car’ to adults who are more adult than you, no-one questions it. No-one’s like WHY ARE YOU SO IMMATURE AND RECKLESS AND DO YOU THINK THAT WAS A GOOD IDEA? Everyone’s like ‘Uh huh’ *sips at coffee*.
8. You save up for really sexy, exciting buys like mattress toppers and Egyptian cotton sheets because a week in Magaluf will be over as soon as it happened, but this bed comfiness will last a lifetime <3
9. You’ve been sexually active for a decade (gun emoji times 457345), and a lot of that has been, ahem, mediocre. So now you’re not scared of chiming in mid-romp to say ‘What you up to there babes? Wanna just move your hand over here’.
10. You’ve been hungover so many times now you’ve nailed the McDonalds and Dominos menus and you have got your dream order down to a tee.
11. You relate to Friends more than ever because HEY LOOK, SAME AGE which means it’s somehow even better than the 75676 times you’ve watched it before.
12. Because everyone’s starting to get married you finally have an excuse to buy all the expensive, fancy dresses and wear fake eye lashes like you think you’re on some swank red carpet. Rather than y’know, a breton tee and skinny jeans.
13. OH and also. All. The. Hen. Parties. Which suddenly makes having quality time with your friends scattered across the country that teeny tiny bit easier.
14. You’re no longer the bottom of the food chain at work because hey look you’ve been working your way up. A *bit* like a Sim that no longer has that rusty blue car picking her up every morning. Lolz.
15. Sale shopping has got even sexier. Because it’s not just the strappy black heels you care about, oh no, because there’s RUGS for sale. Rugs. And you love rugs. All rugs. Rugs da best.
16. You have STABILITY. Like, in your life and even a bit in your own head. And you have routine and you know yourself and what you like and what you don’t like and this is nice isn’t it?
17. You’ve managed to cull your friendship group down to the very few you actually like more than you like dauphinoise potatoes. Which means you never surround yourself with people that make you feel anything less than Beyonce.
18. You no longer care how your pubic hair should look, whether your nipples are the right size or whether your vagina tastes like bubblegum.
19. You and your period have been gal pals for so long you can basically guess each other’s moves. Oh you going to cry now and order pizza and then you going to cramp for half a day and then we go lighter for another two days and then we done for another 27 days. That OK, hun?
20. You no longer get so nervous and embarrassed you might do an ugly hyperventilating cry when you have to buy a pregnancy test or multipack of condoms. Or when y’know, you have to go to the doctor’s to discuss contraception or your vagina. BECAUSE EVERYONE HAS TO DO THIS, YOU ARE NOT A WEIRD FREAK MONSTER.
21. Baths filled with bubbles, oils, lotions and potions are pretty much the best thing in the world and WAY better than when you were younger. *Probs* because they help heal your aching back (lol) and OMG WHY IS LIFE SO STRESSFUL headache. Oh you.
22. You’ve learned that it’s impossible to make everyone like you and to fit in with every social circle. You can’t be everyone’s gold sparkly star on top of the Christmas tree, but you can be your gold sparkly star on top of the Christmas tree. Learning to like yourself as much as you wish everyone else would like you is pretty much the best thing you can ever do. ‘Cos guess what? YOU are pretty darn great.