Dear Diary: Guess Who’s Back, Back Again

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I planned to write this post last night whilst I was riding a late evening wave of YOU GOT THIS GIRL and YOU DA BEST and WERK, WERK, WERK and all that. Y’know those moods? The ones where you feel like a sassy always-played-by-Cameron-Diaz-in-films New York business woman?

I’d been on the sofa with my laptop at 7.30am and kept on going – only breaking to devour the hunkiest bowl of Spaghetti Bolognese – until just shy of 9pm. And I felt absolutely on it.

And I went to bed with a buzzing head, full of ideas and excitement and a kind of motivation that’s been missing of late.

And then, at 5am this morning, there was lots of scratching at our bedroom door. Chris and I whispered that we should let Rudey in, so I got up, opened the door and went for a wee, whilst Chris got up to check Rudey was OK.

And then, whilst the bed was empty, she jumped on it and did a poo.

AT FIVE AM.

And so we had to strip the bed and give her lots of sad little strokes. So today my go-get-em-tiger mood is slightly dented by my early wake-up call. But hey, that’s nothing a few cups of coffee, a bit of Justin Bieber and a sexy-smelling candle can’t fix, eh?

SO YEAH, I AM BACK.

As the title of this post might suggest.

I guess we all have weeks or months where we’re completely off our A-game, and for me that was July. I felt in such a post-holiday slump, and was missing the renewed sibling friendship I’d built in Thailand, which in turn had given me a new rush of grief towards my grandparents, because we had spent so long sharing stories about them.

Work felt quiet, freakishly quiet and I secretly worried that maybe my full-time blogging stint was coming to a sad little close. Which tbh was just the anxiety talking because shut up Hannah, it’s ALWAYS quieter in summer. Even when I was at LOOK, July and August saw my inbox home to ever-rolling tumbleweed (which meant I could constantly be hungover from omg let’s go for cider in the park because it’s sunny nights).

But things seem brighter now. Glittery, even.

I like that about this time of year, that knowing that summer is throwing its last few hurrahs into the air, that autumn will soon be here. Obvs it reminds me of my birthday (17th September in case you want to start planning my presents now…), but I think it goes back to that idea of a fresh school year, of new stationery, of resetting yourself, of feeling like a version of yourself that’s ready to take on the world.

And oh man, I can’t tell you how good it feels to be out of a mood that was so hard to ‘snap’ out of.

I’d escape my mood for a few hours and I’d feel free and like me, and then out of nowhere my mind would cloud over and the darkness and the rain would come and I would just feel so trapped. So weak. I’d eye-roll myself. Like come on hun, you got this, why you being a little baby.

I wasn’t sure why I felt so defeated and deflated because life was good, life is good. And I had no excuses, nothing to blame my meh head on.

I’d sit there and check list all the things I had. The home. The boyfriend. The cats. The stronger-than-ever ties with friends. The holiday lined up. The dream job. And no matter how much lucky I told myself I was over and over again, I just wanted to lie on the sofa and nap and drink tea and watch Baby Daddy.

Do you ever get that? Do you ever just feel like no matter how much you pep talk yourself and give yourself reassuring pats on the back, your mood just won’t do what the sensible part of your head is telling it to?

It’s so frustrating.

But as someone who likes to over-analyse her life to the point of exhaustion, I’ve been taking time this week to reflect on all the tiny changes in my life situation that might have made all the difference to my motivation and my mood.

Because even though ‘nothing was wrong’ when it came down to the big things, there’s always other stuff going on that you don’t give credit to for how big of an emotional-drainer or mood-changer they can be.

I’ve been looking back and seeing what was different even two weeks ago, to now. So that I can work out how I can make myself the good, happy version of myself more of the time. Because I like her, she’s absolutely ballin’.

There’s little things like being pro-active with work and reaching out to brands I genuinely love rather than sitting back and complaining that they’re not coming to me. There’s eating better and seeing some pretty sweet numbers on the scales. There’s my Trek America trip to New Orleans getting closer and feeling real rather than some mythical trip in 2027.

And then there’s my personal favourite, a little something I’ve been reminding myself of daily.

Y’know how people always say you never regret going to the gym? Well I’ve found I never regret pushing myself just a little bit harder with work.

There have been moments where I’ve been unsure whether to edit a video or whether to just sink on the sofa for an hour, and I’ve been trying to make myself choose the work option every time. Choosing to pop on the kettle or have a sneaky little Diet Coke and get crackin’.  Choosing to push myself just that little bit harder. And y’know what? It’s worked because I feel more inspired and raring to go then I have in forever. I am reveling in my personal challenges.

You’ve got to work hard to play hard, and the best things come to those who just stick at it and keep pushing themselves even when most of the time it’s easier to sit back and watch 67 different Instagram stories in a row.

I guess my point is that sometimes the smallest of changes can throw us off track, can make us feel groggy or flat or just, well, not quite right.

So when you feel blah even though ‘nothing is wrong’, look at the little details, the small disruptions or differences in your every day life, because hidden is there is something, if not several things, bringing you down.

And once you can get on top of them, you, my boo thang, can achieve anything.

<3

 

(Outfit in photo: culottes from New Look, wedges from New Look, top from New Look, bag from Zara)

 

 


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