You start off like oh yeah, I’ll give this little fella a download because I was *quite* the Pokemon champion way back when in 1999.
And then the next thing you know you’re comparing your Pokedex with people on Twitter and lying awake at night contemplating unexplored local areas where there’s *probably* a Charizard hiding.
Oh you, you’re so good at this whole adulting thing. Lol.
Here’s 17 things that happen when you start playing Pokemon Go.
1. You start absolutely losing it because ZOMG THERE’S A PIDGEY IN MY STREET. IN MY ACTUAL STREET. A PIDGEY. And then you catch it after using approximately 13 Pokeballs and wow, the adrenaline is running higher than that time you almost got hit by a bus last week.
2. And then, 17 minutes, four Pidgeys, two Rattatas and a Zubat later you’re like this is it. We’re going on a summer walk. A nice walk. A beautiful walk. To find Pokemon. You put your trainers on because shit just got real.
3. Then your phone step-county thingy freaks the fuck out because you haven’t walked this many steps in one day since that one time you accidentally agreed to run a 5k for charity. You’re probably as fit as Mo Farrah now and people will start approaching you for gym clothes sponsorships, so there’s that.
4. You find something that seems mildly rare. Maybe an Eevee, maybe a Venonat, and then you have an absolute excitement breakdown in the street as you crouch into a prime Pokeball throwing position. You forget that you are in fact, in public. People can see you, people can’t unsee you. You are an embarrassment. But like, you’re also a really good Pokemon Trainer, so swings and roundabouts.
5. You consider changing your Twitter bio to make room for the phrase ‘Pokemon Trainer’ because it suddenly feels like a really important part of who you are as a person.
6. Then your phone crashes, just as Eevee looks like it’s in a Pokeball. The app is broken. Nothing is moving. You feel anxiety surge through your veins. Can you cry? Is that a reasonable reaction? And then you have to nervously wait for Pokemon Go to reboot so you can find out whether you caught it or LOL NO IT’S GONE HAHAHAHAHAHA.
7. Then something new shows up in the list of nearby Pokemon. It’s not in your Pokedex and CAN ANYONE TELL WHAT THIS SHADOW IS? OMG HAVE I FOUND A LEGENDARY BIRD?
8. And then, because your memory is, ahem, a little bit rustier than you’d like to admit, you start yelling excitedly OMG A SPARROW or OMG A WEEPYBELL like a middle-aged dad trying to be hip and happening. It’s a Spearow and a Weepingbell, you absolute doughnut.
9. After your long walk around the neighbourhood, you quickly discover that all the good Pokemon are in fact not hidden down local suburban side streets, and make a vow that you will dedicate every waking moment to exploring more Pokemon friendly areas.
10. So naturally you head home and lay on the sofa opening and closing your app every 2.7 minutes just in case, y’know, a Jigglypuff does fancy just strolling down your street. V likely.
11. But with your phone charging, obvs, because turns out you’re going to need to keep a portable charger on your person at all time for the rest of time because lol Pokemon Go just drinks data and battery.
12. And so then you head out to the biggest park within a 30-mile radius of your home feeling all smug and like woah, there’s going to be so many Pokemon in the long grass here, only to find half the country has flocked there and the park is swarming with fellow Pokemon trainers and is this embarrassing or actually really cool? WAIT IS THIS WHAT COMMUNITY SPIRIT FEELS LIKE?
13. On the way home you refuse to drive and instead sit in the passenger seat with the app open, catching a Slowpoke that’s just appeared on the dashboard as you’ve slowed down at traffic lights because hey, that’s just how you roll.
14. EXCEPT OMG THERE’S THREE LURES IN A ROW ON THAT ROAD. LET’S GO OVER THERE NOW.
15. And then you and your phone are awkwardly hanging out with three crowds of teenage boys in a street by the town centre and is this all a bit weird now? But not that weird because you’ve just become the proud owner of a Clefairy and a Hypno, soooooo…
16. And then it’s 11pm and you’re lying in bed singing ‘You teach me and I’ll teach you, Pokemon, gotta catch ’em all’ for the 17th time that day whilst working out if it’s too much to ring in sick tomorrow and head into London because COR, IMAGINE THE ACTION YOUR POKEDEX WOULD SEE. JUST IMAGINE.
17. Have you hit peak life? Or a real low in life? WHO KNOWS AND WHO CARES BECAUSE POKEMON <3
(P.S. YES, I made Chris pull over on the way home from Tesco to take a photo of me for this post and nope, there was not a single Pokemon found in this field. FFS).