Let’s Just Remember How Far You’ve Come

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I was going to write this post last night, after I got in from Koh Pha Ngan’s infamous Full Moon party, but I quickly realised that although some of my best words come after a fine glass of red, they *probably* don’t come from a place where I’ve got a bucket of frozen strawberry daquiri sloshing about my tummy.

Lol.

So instead, I’m sat up at a dining table in the reception area of the beach villas we’re staying at, watching the sea lap at the shore whilst a fresh thunderstorm rolls in. Laptop at the ready.

It’s a pretty blissful Monday tbh and I’m feeling pretty at one with myself, y’know?

But yeah, back to the purpose of this post.

It started some time around 9pm last night, whilst I was scanning a drinks menu at a bar not far from where the beach party was kicking off.

The menu mostly comprised of buckets – which, if you’re not familiar with, are essentially beach buckets filled with dirt cheap spirits and mixer and a couple of straws – as well as beers and shots.

The purpose of buckets is to get you as fucked out of your face for as little money as possible. You can easily sink more than your recommended weekly alcohol allowance for as little as £3. But in doing so, you’ll have to deal with putting something in your mouth that tastes a lot like rat poison mixed with nail varnish remover mixed with a splosh of Coca Cola. It is absolutely not the one.

It was at that moment, as I settled on the strongest Campari Spritz known to man (I had to top it up with a bottle of mineral water I had in my bag FFS), and watched drunk teenagers dotted in neon body paint stumble towards the beach, that I realised how much I’d changed.

Because I do not physically remember the last time I drunk alcohol to get drunk. I do not remember the last time I winced as I forced something cheap and nasty down my throat in order to escape my reality, my life, my world.

Sure, I like the rush and the giddiness that I get after a couple of glasses of prosecco, I like drinking fancy cocktails on a rooftop bar in a city and letting that feeling of sugary happiness run through my veins, but I don’t drink to run away from my own inner monologue.

I like my life, I like my people, and, well, I like me.

But it’s taken me a long time to get here. A long time to feel stable and happy within myself. A long time to be in a position where I can sit on my own and think ‘fuck yes, this is perfect. this is good’.

I used to cling on to a quote I read in a mgazine as a teenager. Because it assured me that this day was coming. And omg you’re going to die because I’m *pretty* sure it was a quote from someone from Atomic Kitten, but it was a line that said something like ‘I wish I’d known that life gets easier and better as you get older, and that the way you feel at 16 isn’t the way you’ll feel forever.’

That quote, cor that quote gave me some serious strength when I needed it, I’m telling you.

I know that you shouldn’t spend your waking life wishing for the future, but I also that know some of you will be old Hannah, now.

You will be waiting for life to ease up, waiting for life to cut you some slack, waiting for things to get a bit more like a Disney film, and so I just wanted to say, that it will.

It absolutely will.

But you have to let it.

You have to be ready to fight, to work on yourself, to take risks, seek adventure and challenge yourself. But you have to be honest with yourself too. I spent so long building up this fake version of who I was – this party girl who didn’t care, who didn’t have boundaries. When all along, that was never me.

Alright OK, it was a teeny tiny bit me because lol I have no boundaries when it comes to over sharing. But actually, all I ever craved, all I ever needed was stability. Stability and an ability to talk openly about who I was and how I felt and what I’d experienced in life, so that I could digest it and pull it apart and learn about who I was deep down.

And so I reckon that the two biggest things that took me from LET’S DRINK ALL THE BUCKETS to let’s drink iced coffee overlooking the beach and write about life, are Chris and this blog.

My stability and my therapy.

I guess what I want you to take away from this post, is the knowing of how far you’ve come already, without even realising it.

That you have conquered greater accomplishments than you give yourself credit for.

There are moments when I question everything and I wonder why I haven’t done more by 26. I wonder why I don’t own a house or why I don’t have kids or a husband or a proper savings account. And it’s so flipping easy to do that isn’t it? Compare your life checklist against other people on the internet?

So just take a minute to appreciate how far you’ve come as a person. And how much more you like yourself now than you ever did before.

And just remember that life isn’t about ticking off the obvious things like marriages and mortgages, it’s about evolving into someone who you love. Evolving into the sort of person you’d want to surround yourself with.

You’ve come so bloody far and things are only going to get greater, so I say let’s have a little Monday cheers to that. Now, where’s my mimosa at?

  • Jodi

    I can’t believe how relevant this is for me today. Spent 2 hours at work crying because someone else has had a baby and got engaged over the weekend and why isn’t that me?! Such a loser. Thanks for the wake up call that I need to get over it and realise what I do have.

  • jade

    a very good post!…. i think that what you say about not ticking off the obvious things that you should do as you get older is so true, because i guess everything comes with time and what is the point of rushing into it if you aren’t at that stage…. enjoy the rest of your holiday:)
    and oh, …i also think Chris should be very complimented 🙂
    xx

  • errrf, what’s that other saying? oh yeah, “Comparison is the thief of joy”

    dont do it!

    x

    • So true though, I’ve not come across that saying before but it’s exactly that! xx

  • Yes Hannah! Spent so long waiting for my ‘real’ life to start and now I’m at a point where life looks so much better than I could have imagined. I sometimes take a moment and wonder what that anxious, impatient 16 year old would say if I could show her the turns life was going to take. It’s just a shame we don’t have the maturity or inclination as teens to believe anyone when they tell us things get better!

    Hope you have a fab time in Thailand, it was my first big trip destination and I loved every second.

  • Mel

    Really enlightening post – I love it!

    Mel ♥ everyword.meljwills.com

  • Monday morning YOU GOT THIS post was well placed! Had my first weekend of drinking very much for the sake of drinking in ages with my old uni housemates in London and though it was fun, I felt like a different person to how I was before when that was pretty much every Thursday and Saturday night. Occasionally, yes. But there are so many better things to make you happy in life. 🙂 Alice xxx

    http://www.woodenwindowsills.co.uk

  • Yes! This post was very much needed on a miserable Monday morning. Thank you Hannah!x

  • I love this!! So so true! So glad I am finally reaching that point in life! x

    http://www.shayholly.co.uk

  • I can so relate to this post! I have changed so much since I turned 18 and drinking buckets of terrible drink is not something I would want to do now but 18 year old me would have loved it! It can be hard to not compare your life to others but you’ve just got to live for yourself and be happy for you! Sophie x

    https://stylestarsandsparkle.blogspot.co.uk

  • Oh this is so inspiring and nice and reassuring. Sometimes I actually feel a bit bad that I’m not this crazy party girl that I was a few years back – I feel like I’ve got old and boring because I got married and own a house (yeah all that stuff!) so the grass is always greener I guess! xxx

    The perks of being a hipster – 15 things everyone going to Glastonbury is thinking right now

  • Sarah

    Loved this today thankyou xxx

  • So much love for this post <3 xxx

    http://www.girlglobalising.com

  • This is so so true. I wish we were all told at school that you aren’t fully formed at 16 (and you shouldn’t expect to be) and that growing up is the biggest confidence booster. I fall into the trap of being really impatient and wondering why everyone has their shit together and I don’t. Gotta remember that everyone’s life goes at a different pace and many are probably feeling as behind as I am!

  • nueyork

    This was such a good read and so, so true! I definitely think people have a habit of waiting around for “later” when they need to see how far things have progressed, and that there isn’t really a destination!

    nueyork.blogspot.com

  • What? I’m not crying at my desk, I’ve got allergies. I didn’t realise any of this until I was 29. I still don’t own a house or have babies and a husband (I do have a boyfriend and a cat) but I’m okay with that. I definitely learnt it needs to happen naturally and not force it or you might find your boyfriend leaves you and ends up marrying the girl girl he dates. Awks.
    Spot on post as usual 🙂 x

  • Alison

    This rings so true with me, Hannah. You couldn’t have said it any better. Got a wee bit emosh reading this <3

  • I love posts like this, so endearing! I always try to remember how blessed I am and to be thankful and grateful for what I have but sometimes it can be hard. I definitely needed to read this today so thanks and it’s great to hear you’re in a good place x

    http://www.wonkylauren.com

  • Mel

    Jeez, needed this today!!

    I think it’s so easy to see good old Jane on the internet who’s 26, got 2 kids a husband and a fancy house in London and to wonder why that hasn’t happened for you.

    It’s hard to remember that everyone is different, everyone started at different points and at different times. It’s important to try not to compare your beginning to someone else’s end, and to remember that although the grass always appears greener, you just need to water the grass you’re on.

    (cringe haha)
    But still, I loved this post and I really needed it today, of all days.

    Thanks
    Mel @ http://www.Melberryy.com

  • Saz

    Sitting at my laptop crying, you have no idea how much I had to read this Hannah! I’ve had a pretty crappy time of it lately, particularly the last 6 weeks, and it’s so easy to get bogged down in everything; I mean I’m 25, isn’t my life meant to be a bit more together by now?!

    Anyway, again, thank you so much. Can we just cut the middle man and become best pals now? xx

  • It’s such a cliche but I wish I could tell my 16 year old self that things would get better too, I can’t believe the amount of time I spent worrying about stupid stuff and people. This was a lovely post to read, we’re all guilty of comparing ourselves to others – I know I am! It’s easy to say don’t do it but I suppose we just have to remember all the cool stuff we’ve achieved ourselves too. x

    Josie | Sick Chick Chic

  • Sam

    Everything you’ve said is spot on xx

    Sam // What I Know Now

  • That was actually such an amazing post Hannah – thank you!! Xo

  • This is a wonderful post 😊 I work with young people and I see them doing the same thing that I did with my friends at their age. I recently realised its not about telling them ‘don’t do it’ or ‘I used to do it too, you’ll grow out of it’, they don’t want to hear that, it’s about listening to them and letting them know you’re there even when they’re stumbling over to you crying!!!

    http://www.englishgirlinnewyork.org

  • I very much like this post. Well said.

  • it’s posts like these that make me love your blog Hannah – you write so honestly and it truly does translate so well – thank you for being YOU. It’s a surprisingly hard thing to do, as you mentioned – being YOU and accepting that. It’s something i’m still working on. I hope i to that point, but you give me hope i can 🙂

  • Amy

    Aw Hannah this is a lovely post and sooo relatable. It’s been so long since I’ve drunk to get drunk, I’m so past that now and a hundred per cent happier for it! Love that you had to top your drink up with mineral water haha
    Amy xx
    http://www.callmeamy.co.uk

  • I’ve just decided to quit my job in South London and move to Liverpool to be with my other half. It’s absolutely terrifying and every day I doubt myself and whether I’ve made the right decision. I really needed to read something like this – to reminds myself that no matter how scary something may be (& how much it makes me want to vom in my mouth), every experience is a learning curve and contributes to the person you become.

    Congrats on finally reaching that happy place. 🙂 xxx

  • OH god I almost cried at this, veering on tears – I’ve felt so much like this lately (minus the buckets) and I’ve had little moments where I’m like I do like myself and equally moments I don’t. Sometimes I sink into a moment of ‘I should have done more by now’ and don’t know what to do, but looking back I’ve really made some big changes that have put me further than ever before.

    Lauren x
    Britton Loves | Lifestyle Beauty Wellbeing

  • Casey

    It sometimes feels like you’re peering into the most inner thoughts of my brain and writing it out so it all makes sense.
    An incredible post that has put me at ease for not having it all ‘together’ at 25, because I’m happy and healthy and actually… That’s enough!
    🙌🏻

  • I needed to read this today.

    ‘That you have conquered greater accomplishments than you give yourself credit for.’ – this is going to be my new mantra. I feel as though I’m never enough & I’m never going to be enough or have enough or do enough. Sometimes I need to remember how far I’ve come. So, thank you.

  • This was what I just needed to hear right now. I sometimes feel like I should have my whole life planned out right now, that I shouldn’t waste money by studying for an extra year just to be able to study abroad, or that I should have a boyfriend by now, now that I’m almost 21. But looking back at all that I’ve experienced, I’ve realized that I’ve done so much already and like you said, I shouldn’t compare my life with others, especially not with others who are already a few years older. I hope it is like you said, it will come.

  • I swear we’re attuned on some sort of spiritual level because you always seem to publish these posts exactly when i need to read them haha xo


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