Because let’s face it, you guys love a list post almost as much as you love Harry Potter and wine nights. And also, being a grown-up involves a lot more confusing form-filling in and overgrown gardens than you could ever have imagined.
So here are the nineteen biggest shocks about entering the world of adulthood.
1. You haven’t seen nearly as many people stop, drop and roll in the middle of the street as you thought you would. Turns out setting yourself on fire isn’t as much of a daily problem as school and playing The Sims had you believe. Whodda thought it?
2. Getting married, buying a house and having a baby before 25 doesn’t just automatically happen to you, like going to school or getting your period. You will laugh and sob into your pyjamas when you think about all the stupid beliefs 16-year-old you had. Lol. Where’s the wine at?
3. Boob sweat. Mate, forget about applying deodorant underneath your armpits, why is there a stream flowing under, around and between my boobs 45% of the time?
4. The cute little way that every single weekday morning you wake up and for the first 7 minutes lie there in some sort of semi-conscious state thinking FUCK, I can’t do today. I CAN NOT DO TODAY. I’m too tired, I’m ill, I’m exhausted. I’ll have to ring in sick. Today has to be cancelled. Make the world end. And then you remember that lol jk, get yo ass in the shower.
5. The fact quicksand hasn’t been nearly as much of a problem as you assumed it would be. You haven’t even lost a shoe or a friend to it. Wild.
6. That within the space of what seems like a year you go from it being socially unacceptable to get pregnant because ZOMG ANOTHER PREGNANT TEEN to reading articles on the Mail Online telling you you’re on the cusp of being infertile. Um what wait, I seemed to have blinked and missed the exact day I was supposed to get knocked up.
7. The fact you don’t have a house with a dance machine, pet room, ball pit room, slide from upstairs to downstairs and a bubble machine. Fuming.
8. How much space in your brain money takes up. Should I really spend £7 on breakfast? How can that girl afford a Self Portrait dress? FUCK, I spent £72.43 last night and now there’s not enough money in my account for my rent. Should I start saving for my pension? What can I sell on eBay so that I can buy that ASOS coat? How will I ever buy a house? Is it like, really bad to be in my overdraft AND have a credit card bill, or does everyone secretly have the same set up going on?
9. How many times you walk into a room and then you’re like nope, not a clue why I’m here because I just got lost in my own thoughts about BLOODY WORK. Work. What happened hun, you used to be cool?
10. That drinks which once tasted pretty much exactly like getting shampoo in your mouth (looking at you coffee and wine) are now the very liquids that get you through the day and make like worth living. Please never leave me.
11. How hard it is to say the perfect stern-yet-polite ‘no’ when asked if you have a loyalty card for every damn shop you go in, which says I’m a nice person but DO NOT ASK ME IF I’D LIKE ONE OR I’LL CUT A BITCH. Except not really because lol you wouldn’t even know how to go about cutting a bitch.
12. That after a decade of going on at least three ‘healthy eating kicks’ every single year, you still do not look like Rachel Green. Huh.
13. That it’s suddenly cool to have mammoth eyebrows again and you’re like YOU’RE FUCKING KIDDING ME, I spent hours, HOURS, tweezing these into perfect little half a centimetre thick arches. FFS.
14. How much you have to downplay ever wanting children or to get married. Nah, you know me, I’m just super cool and laid back, no rush. I’m just happy being me and being a sassy independent woman, I don’t need any of that stuff. *Hides list of possible baby names and sets wedding Pinterest board to private*
15. How often you have to give yourself pep talks in your head like yes girl you can do this and you’re strong and this will be over soon and you got this, because turns out, the older you get, the more other people annoy you.
16. The fact your weekly shop involves GRAINS and green things and soya milk. SOYA, what even is soya? And no Penguin chocolate bars, Rolo yogurts and Dairylea triangles. What’s the point?
17. How often you hand over a card to pay for something and you’re like ‘let’s try this one’ because lol you haven’t checked your bank balance since July 22nd 2014 and who knows what’s going on with that fella.
18. That you haven’t ever needed to refer to onomatopoeia, photosynthesis or Pythagoras’ Theorem but you have no idea how the government works or how to file your taxes or what affects your credit rating. HAHAHA good one, education system, you joker, you.
19. That you still, dun dun dun, feel like a child. A child that can y’know make pasta and get the train on her own, but a child that got trapped in a woman’s body and is completely winging it. When does real adulthood start, plz?