Cripes, I’m feeling broken.
I’m writing you this post on Tuesday night so that it can go live at the crack of dawn on Wednesday, so that I can roll about in bed for a bit without fear and anxiety firing up in my belly that ZOMG I HAVEN’T GOT A POST UP YET AND THE WORLD MIGHT IMPLODE.
I feel like we haven’t had a good chat for a while. A good meaty catch-up. A bit like when you’ve been Whatsapping your mates and it’s nice and that, but it’s not getting hammered over wine and pizza and reminiscing and spilling your deepest fears and secrets and dreams.
Y’know what I’m saying?
So let’s have a wine catch-up.
I had the dentist this morning and I had a filling and a clean and I was feeling all brave and come at me world, I got this. And then I got in the chair and WHY IS THERE SO MUCH LOUD NOISE and was shaking so much I was basically a human vibrator.
When I wrote my post about my dentist check-up and immense fear (over here), I realised a lot of you felt the same way, so here’s a little rundown of how my appointment went.
My dentist whipped out a giant needle within 30 seconds of me entering the room and it suddenly dawned on me the intensity of what I’d agreed to do and my inner 8-year-old was all ready to run out screaming and refusing to go back in.
I did not feel the needle. The needle was fine. The deep clean was painful, but in a meh kinda way. It felt a bit pinchy every now and then, a bit like someone was tweezing my eyebrows or squeezing a back spot. But oh boy, my teeth are so clean I just keep staring at them in the mirror. Is it wrong to be in love with your own teeth?
And then the drills and the suction. So much noise. So much fear. But no feeling. Nothing. Like, I couldn’t feel any discomfort or anyone fiddling with my teeth, I could just hear a lot of drilling and a lot of suctioning and I just had to close my eyes really effing tight and picture all the clothes I would treat myself to afterwards (spoiler: I bought nothing aside from a bottle of water, fuming).
So yeah, I would do it again.
And then I made avocado on toast with halloumi and my day peaked. And then I had an unsuccessful shopping session and then I bundled myself onto the sofa with Friends re-runs and edited my weekly vlog and typed up a post about grief and my grandad (read it here).
I didn’t expect to cry, but I did. I felt so emotionally like I was opening up. Like a spot that sits under the skin for ages and then someone touches it and omg it basically explodes. Like that. It was something I wasn’t aware that was hurting me underneath. Something I’ve pushed down and this evening brought it to the surface and well now I’m feeling like I need a hot bath and a duvet on the sofa and for bae to play with my hair.
The past few weeks have been good – and actually, aside from tonight and a couple of fleeting moments in the lead up to the anniversary of my grandad’s death – I haven’t felt sad or cried in a good long ol’ while. I’m feeling more stable and content within myself than ever before.
I’ve just stopped feeling stress the way I used to. Whenever I feel fear and anxiety working its way through my veins I work out what the worst case scenario is and as long as it’s not death or someone I love getting hurt, then it’s OK. It doesn’t matter. I get over myself and my insignificant worries.
I’ve also been traveling a lot – to Marbella and Sussex and London – and tomorrow I’m off to Lanzarote for a long weekend with Thomas Cook.
I’m excited. I’m lucky. I’m living the dream, my dream, my teenage dream. But I do get more homesick than I ever thought possible. Who knew such a sassy, confident, WHO RUN THE WORLD gal, would miss her boo and her cats and her sofa and her Harry Potter pyjamas, eh?
I’ve just had one too many nights away from my home, the place that makes me feel the most me. The most safe and secure and needed. But then there’s that saying isn’t there, that you can’t do wonderful, exciting things whilst staying in your comfort zone. And so I need to push myself, to get myself out there, to live, to experience, to adventure, while I can.
Getting too settled and set in routine won’t challenge me or keep me learning or help me to be the best version of myself.
Know what I’m saying gals?
Anyway, that’s me for the past week or two or three? What bout you?
I’m going to go an eat one of these amazing little Ben & Jerry biscuit ice cream things Chris bought last week and brainstorm some content ideas. I wanna get back on that lifestyle bandwagon with lots of my mundane inner thoughts for you to peruse and get lost in.
Oh, and thanks for being good eggs and coming back to this blog. I’m not sure I say it enough, so here I am, saying it <3