UK Fashion, Beauty & Lifestyle Blog

And It All Falls Down

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I felt like I owed you this post. I mean, maybe I didn’t, maybe this is an overshare on my part. Maybe this is something that would have been better brushed off into the past as I marched forward into the future feeling all sassy and fly and confident and happy.

But I feel like after Monday’s post (read it here if you missed it), and my promise to share the good and the bad, I felt like it was important I document what I’m about to tell you.

So here is a post about the bad.

Friday night started like, well, like the way all good Friday nights start.

With a big glass of wine, pyjamas and a fresh episode of Grey’s Anatomy just chilling for me in my Sky Planner.

Someone go call a builder because I was nailing it.

Lol.

Anyway Chris was out. Chris had a work meal and wouldn’t be back til about 11pm and I was feeling so geared up about a Hannah night.

I’d gone out and bought gnocchi and chorizo because dayum, Friday night is cheat night if ever I saw one and I was loving life all parceled up in a duvet I’d dragged downstairs to the sofa.

Then I sobbed through Grey’s Anatomy because fucking hell, what an episode, then I drank another glass of wine and got onto cooking my dinner and then I upgraded our Sky Subscription BECAUSE I AM WILD AND WOO FRIDAY. Then I was like man, why we out of wine?

So I went to the shop and bought another bottle and was onto my third glass and was like wait, is it cool to drink three glasses of wine on your own or is that not cool? I dunno.

I feel so Bridget Jones right now. But not in a sad way, in a glam ‘oh you’ kinda way.

So then I started watching Scandal (which is another Shonda Rhimes piece of emotional turmoil from what I can tell) and I started sending Chris photos of me and the cats.

And then I started asking him what time he was coming home because now it was 10pm and I was like omg we can be tipsy together and THIS COULD BE SUCH A FUN FRIDAY NIGHT.

And then he wasn’t texting me back properly because lol he was having fun with his friends and then I was getting annoyed and listening to 2005 songs on YouTube and then I went to bed.

And then, I woke up briefly to see Chris come home just before midnight, but that was that, that was my night.

I woke up in the morning and felt like someone I didn’t know.

This anxiety gripped and entwined in my soul, making me feel like a version of myself I’ve spent too long trying to get rid of.

I cried and I tried to clean the kitchen, whilst Chris tried to nap away his hangover.

And then I showered and got back into bed and cried some more. Until tears were stripping away the expensive moisturiser I’d so lovingly massaged into my cheeks.

Fuck sake.

And I tried to breathe through it. I tried to take deep breaths and rise above this weird little demon sitting on my chest making me feel like a black firework emotionally erupting and exploding all over the place.

Chris tried to suggest he take me out for breakfast. I asked where and he said Frankie & Benny’s and I basically laughed in his face before howling harder into my pillow like a broken baby.

(We did eventually go to F&Bs and it was OK. The orange juice tasted like it cost 17p from Tesco and had then been watered down, but the food was alright y’know).

The thing with getting yourself trapped in mental limbo, this place where time wastes away and yet your mood and your head freezes you from being able to be productive, to be a functioning person, is that you have to understand why you’re in the mood in the first place in order to get out of it.

I knew I had to sound out my fears and my angers and my problems before I would be able to stop the tears, compose myself and get my ass out the house to breakfast.

You have to open up. Whether that’s to yourself or to someone else. You have to accept your disfunctioning brain.

And for me, my ‘episode’ had come from two places – it had come from this embarrassment that it was my own fault because lol whydya need THREE glasses of wine on your own Hannah? Was that ever going to be a good idea? You’re such an idiot, you should know better than that. You brought this on yourself.

And secondly it came from the place everything always comes from – this irritating innate fear that no-one likes me.

This fear that Chris had forgotten about me, all because he hadn’t been sending hourly MISS YOU BABY YOU DA BEST XOXOXOXOX texts.

I promise I’m not actually a psycho girlfriend despite how this post makes me look. And I’m honestly so embarrassed that I’m burning up and I feel like my jumper might just melt off me right here in Starbucks.

Now THAT would give me something to be embarrassed about. Nothin’ to see here, just sitting in my yoga pants and Uggs with my boobs out and a melted jumper around my ankles. Lols.

I don’t really know how to end this post. I moved on. I ate my food, took some outfit photos and then spent the rest of the day curled up on the sofa with a hungover boy eating Krispy Kreme doughnuts and relishing in our new Sky channels.

I perked up, I became me again. Just a version of me left feeling mortified by my own out of control emotions and mental health.

I think my point of this story is that no matter how happy you feel or how mentally healthy you feel, there will always be moments in life that play to your weaknesses. That put you in situations that make you revert back to someone you don’t want to be, and all you can do and I can do and we can do is learn to find a way to rise above them, to kick them in the face and to move on.

You are going to fall down, no matter how glossy and golden life becomes, because no-one can be cheeky-achingly happy all the time. You’ve just got to remember how to find a way back up again.



59 comments so far.
  • Rachel Anna

    This resonates with me so much… if I’m in on my own and my other half is supposed to be back at a certain time I will hit level 100 with my anxiety if I don’t hear from him. The sensible part of me knows that he is dropping a friend off, or has popped to the shop or something – a completely legit reason. I’ll then call him, and he won’t answer because he’s driving but this will make me run awful scenarios and I’ll be crying when he comes home from work feeling like an idiot. Luckily I have the most understanding boy, but it’s mentally draining. I feel ya. Much love xx

  • Dude, I hear you. Firstly, no, three large glasses by yourself is rarely a good idea ( I can tell you from experience), but we’ve all been there so don’t feel too embarrassed about it. Secondly, try to remember that, although the wine didn’t help, the anxiety and the demon aren’t your fault. Yes they make you feel as if you’re the worst person alive but they’re lying. That’s what they do.
    Hang on in there and try not to flash anyone in Starbucks x

  • Lucy

    Thank you so much for posting this Hannah. I can relate to everything you write and it’s so reassuring when you know you’re not the only one experiencing it. Enjoy Starbucks, jumper or not :) xx

  • Hannah

    I literally had one of those nights last night, and was so prepared to admit defeat today but that post was such an encouragement & exactly what I needed to hear! It’s your honesty that always keeps me reading! Thank you X

  • Grace

    You’re so brave for posting this. Thank you. I relate to everything you write & just wanted to say you’re such an inspiring woman. Hope you are feeling okay & didn’t let writing this post spoil Starbucks . Loads of love x x

  • Allycat

    I can so relate to this and I’m so I am not alone in my crazy head!
    Chris is a lucky guy to have you. You guys rock. Don’t be so harsh on yourself you are a beautiful person xxx

  • Hayley

    Wait…3 glasses of wine on your own isn’t OK? Haha
    No seriously we’ve all been there…
    Stay strong xxx

  • Dawn

    If you get caught with the demon that is anxiety, no matter whether it’s relatively controlled, there will ALWAYS be moments where you feel like someone has taken over your body and in those moments-we all end up acting a bit mental.

    I remember once making a pot of homemade soup for my (then) boyfriends lunch. He came over, late, and declared he wasn’t hungry. Instead of acting like a sane person and accepting he had been stuck in traffic and merely wasn’t hungry I concocted a full story in my head where he had been out for lunch with a hot, thin, perky boobed, funny NOT CRAZY ANXIOUS, girl.

    I proceeded to throw the full boiling hot pot of soup down the sink and fled to my bed in tears for 4 hours.

    He hadn’t been out for lunch by the way so we both ended up hungry.

    See, we all do it. You’re doing just fine. Xx

  • This was exactly me last week. Your depression video actually helped me through it. It’s tough being in an long distance relationship with depression and anxiety. We didn’t get to speak too much last week because he was out with friends and work mates a few nights and, well, I spiralled. Cried myself to sleep worrying then spent the following day feeling a bit numb, wishing I could cry. It’s not great, but I treated myself to a mountain of chocolate and moved on. Now this week has been absolutely fine.

    I guess there’s no winning or losing, you just learn that it’s temporary

    Thank you for this post!

    x
    http://Www.siobhanrothwell.com

  • Hannah Trott

    My mum died on Christmas Eve, and I find myself in similar situations to yours above every so often. It feels like failure because you feel like you should be coping and should be fine and rock that ‘brave face’ everyone keeps complimenting you on (which is weird within itself if you ask me).

    But it happens. Life happens. And everyday I’m realising it more, and how much people around me are crying out to be told that letting life happen is okay.

    Thank you for posting your good and bad moments in life, fellow Hannah. We need to hear more normality on blogs like yours, and to be told that we are all united in this common theme – that we are all living, and life just happens, whether we want it to or not.

  • missg

    I haven’t left any comments on your blog before Hannah but have followed it avidly for about a year. I love your honesty, strength and wit. I can completely relate to where you are coming from and it will pass. I myself have often struggled with what you describe in your post and for me i have basically had to stop drinking. Not an answer for everyone I know, but it’s worked for me in controlling anxiety and I’m learning to enjoy life without it.

    You are a little sparkle to everyone every day and you need to remember how great you are and that the anxiety will pass. Hugs, g xx

  • Ellis

    Eurgh it’s just the worse isn’t it – life is ticking along alright and the bam it’s suddenly anxiety city. Thanks for sharing things like this, and just know that honestly you’re really not alone in feeling like this.

    Hope you feel back to your normal self super soon!

  • Thanks to some real douchwad exes I used to have absolutely no chill when my other half was out and I was at home on my own. Somewhere along the way it just clicked that he wasn’t like those other guys and I just became totally relaxed about everything! That said I do have the odd wobble but it’s mainly FOMO induced! One thing I do swear by is never drinking alone bar the odd cider in the summer – boring it may be but I have a tendency to get into a state if I let it spiral!

    Don’t be too hard on yourself – everyone struggles with stuff like this at every stage in a relationship, even married people!

    Kelly x

  • I’m sorry you felt crappy on that Saturday! But I’m also selfishly glad it’s not just me who does things like this/feels like this!

    http://blog.pollyrowan.com/

  • Gracie

    Loved this. Thanks for being real. Tell me about these moments * hands over eyes monkey face* I went to visit a friend in Amsterdam and was staying in a hotel on my own – decided to take a 20 min alone stroll after dinner and lots of wine and I found myself sat next to the river looking at all the pretty lights crying that I felt so alone and would anyone ever love me again. Wine, feelings & hormones. Looking back I had nipped over to visit a friend, was staying in a nice hotel – was clearly having major first world problems. I find that alcohol literally brings out the worst so trying to lay off it!

  • This is so interesting – I cut out booze for a couple of months to try and help a health issue, and on Friday I had a couple of glasses of bubbly. Only two little glasses, but on Saturday morning I was feeling anxious and panicky and kept questioning everything I was doing. I felt weird to be on my own and I felt really vulnerable if you know what I mean? Kind of like the sort of feeling when you have a “shit what did I do last night” hangover, but without the jagerbombs and memory blanks. I’ve really got my anxiety under control in the past few years so it was interesting for me to see the instant effect that a couple of glasses of booze could have on me!

    Thank you for sharing your experiences – the more we all talk about it the better xxx

    Sophie Cliff

  • Louise

    I feel like every single 20-something girl is going thread this and think ‘I hear ya’ sister’.

    We’ve so all been there, and it definitely makes us all feel a little less insane sharing these kind of stories. x

  • nueyork

    This is one of those deeply personal scenarios that most people keep hidden in fear that they are the only ones, so I’m really reassured reading this. It’s so easy to feel like your brain is wired in a completely different way when things like this happen, because you know the logic behind what’s happening but you’re out of control of your thoughts. The drinking alone thing is definitely something we’ve all done, and it can either result in the best solo party of your life or being left alone with your “too real” thoughts. I don’t really know what I’m trying to say with this comment, just a big “I feel ya sister” and I hope you don’t feel too mortified because we’ve all been there.

    nueyork.blogspot.com

  • I know what you mean. I’ve been having a really rubbish time lately but you have to realise life isn’t always sweet all of the time and it’s the bad stuff that makes us stronger and who we become. The bad stuff won’t last forever though, sometimes it’s just a bad day not a bad life. It’s so cliche but everything happens for a reason and I truly believe that x

    http://www.wonkylauren.com

  • Firstly I really hope you didn’t feel like you had to write this post to appease the people who you think want to see the sad Hannah again – if you’re happy then THAT IS FABULOUS and we love it. But secondly I completely understand every single part of this. I regularly go from on top of the world to gut-wrenching anxiety with just a tiny trigger…sometimes five minutes later I can’t even work out what triggered it. OH TO BE A WOMAN. Joy xxxxx
    http://www.fashionnomads.com

    ps. we all like you. you’re not alone!!!!!!

  • Preach! This week isn’t my week either, after A BOTTLE of wine the other night I cried over a boy for the most ridiculous ‘why would that even make me sad’ kinda moment?! We’ve all been there – and just remember you’re not alone. I love that your day consisted of you two lying on a sofa with doughnuts, that sounds like a happy ending to me… Millie x

    http://millie-moments.blogspot.co.uk/

  • Also all the other comments on this post are fabulous. Make me feel 100% less like i’m a neurotic psycho girlfriend which is always a plus

  • Sophie

    I have massive anxiety when my husband goes out, it stems from when I used to be in a binge/purge cycle and I would have a relapse when he went out and I’m always scared it’ll happen again. Also, insecure blah blah.

    Also, don’t want to sound super annoying but we all know alcohol is a depressant, I have never not had an anxiety day following a big night out or a few drinks at home. It’s really not your fault. Stupid brain.

    xxxxx

  • I know someone has probably already said this in a comment but don’t be too hard on yourself. If people didn’t share their ups and downs, their readers would get the wrong impression that people who have found peace always have their shit together. No one can constantly have their shit together, not even the most zen yogi out there. I know that being alone for too long or staying in my house for too long definitely does it for me, so I try to avoid that at all costs!

  • I understand exactly where you’re coming from with this post.

    Whenever my boyfriend leaves my mind just seems to wonder and you’re left wondering what are you actually doing with your life? I’ve been struggling with my mental health these past few months, and I guess when you’re in a battle with yourself, you feel like there’s no one who you can turn to.

    I can assure you I like you. And your blog a lot. Your personal posts are amazing, because they make me feel like it’s normal the emotions I’m going through.

    I cried yesterday because somebody told me that I had appointment at 10am, when I didn’t. But I guess it was accumulated stress, and it’s okay to cry. I literally cry all the time. It doesn’t mean I’m weak.

    Sending enormous amounts of love to you girl. Keep doing what you’re doing x

  • Joni

    Lol, my boyfriend went out the other night and didn’t message me between 1am and 11am the following day. I absolutely lost my shit Han. And I know most of it was down to hormones, but I saw he’d been online at 3:44am and I went batshit cray at him because whenever I go out, I make sure I text him regularly and when I get home (because he nags me to). And I so, SO didn’t want to lose my temper but I did – even though he sheepishly apologised and I should’ve just left it there. It’s hard though, sometimes someone does something on the wrong day and you try so hard to keep it together and you just go “nope. you’re gonna get ALL the sass from me”.

    THEN, to make it worse, he spent the following day at home, doing nothing and didn’t text me for FOUR GODDAMN HOURS. FOUR. I was like, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? THIS IS MAKING ME ANGRIER. He kept reading my messages and buggering off without responding and I lost it. Plus. I had like 4 hours sleep and I needed a nap, so I was super grumps. :L :L

    In hindsight I was probs being a bit pre-period psycho girlfriend, but sometimes you can’t help it. It’s normal. Your mind wanders when you’re left to your own devices. You’re a human being. And rest assured, you are very much loved xxx

    • Laura

      Oh my gosh I’m so glad I’m not the only one who goes on Facebook or whatsapp and sees when my husband was last online! :-)

      • Joni

        WHATSAPP IS THE WORST SOMETIMES! xxx

      • B

        I think.. You were online 30 minutes ago, and the last I heard from you was 1 hour ago.. Why hasn’t he text me?! What’s he doing?! Lol. I am so happy I am not the only psycho girlfriend out there!!

  • Nair Bonito

    Totally love this article!! Am having one of those days today…all about trying to keep the demons at bay and still function on some level. Thank you for writing this xx

  • I totally know how you feel, and trust me we have ALL been there.

    Sophie x

  • Thank you for being so honest that life isn’t always okay (even if you’ve generally got your shit together) and for posting this. 3 glasses of wine on your own – I know it’s not okay, but I still do it, rarely anymore, but there was a time when I lived alone in London and was really unhappy where it was a regular occurrence. Heck, 4 glasses was. I hated how it made me feel and where I was going with it, especially as my Mum has been a hardcore alcoholic since I was 11. The guilt and ugliness made me treat people badly, because I was embarrassed and ashamed. I am not that person anymore, but a couple of glasses can still bring up anxiety issues over it, especially if I am alone. I thought I was the only one. Apparently not! So thanks for that. x

  • Nat

    I’ve been like this many of times before. When me and my boyfriend first got together he went to a festival for the day with friends, and I wanted to go but couldn’t due to money. He got really drunk at like 11am which I know is the norm for festivals but it just made me so anxious, that he might get hurt, or might meet someone else, or God knows!

    I just ended up drinking loads and falling to sleep…

    I have many anxious moments like this, and it really does suck.

    I hope you’re okay now sweetheart, chin up. <3

    https://theremightbecoffee.wordpress.com/

  • Hannah! I’m afraid to tell you that (as far as I know for now) these moments don’t leave us as we get older (35 and counting), as you say. But I do think we learn better how to manage them and rationalise them amongst the rest of our lives.

    For me, learning more about who I am has helped massively. There’s terrific power in knowing yourself and your triggers but also in coming to understand that sometimes the things you think of as ‘bad’ about yourself can also be contributors to the things that are good. Also that sometimes insecurities (and therefore anxiety triggers) are founded in things we’ve been told in the past that we keep hanging on to when really they should be thrown away. I’m just working up a post on this kind of thing at the minute actually – I might send it to you when done :)

    In the interim, if you have the time, look up http://www.16personalities.com and fill in their personality test. It’s AMAZINGLY insightful (based on myers briggs) and has helped me enormously this year.

    Thanks for your blog – it’s helps us all to know we’re not alone!

  • Rose

    I have to say I love the honesty of this post, you must’ve felt very vulnerable writing it but from vulnerability you’ve drawn strength.
    You don’t understand how much of a weight you’ve taken off my shoulders, you’ve made me feel normal. I’m a very private person & felt negative about what I felt was going 10 steps back behaviourally, by being ‘totes emosh’ for seemingly no reason.
    This post was so refreshing & made me accept that it’s OK to have a mental emotional blip as long as we recognise it.
    Thank you xxx

  • kathryn2492@hotmail.com

    Love this post and thank you for being so honest with us. Such a refreshing post that I totally related to.

    “You are going to fall down, no matter how glossy and golden life becomes, because no-one can be cheeky-achingly happy all the time.” – I need that quoted in a frame as a constant reminder because it’s so so true and we need to remember that we have these days and it’s fine and it’s normal. We all need to accept our disfunctioning brain, it’s just easier said than done sometimes.

    Thank you for being so honest and open!

  • Katie

    So I am not a psychopath then after all…!
    I feel so anxious when my partner goes out without me and I have NO IDEA WHY.
    The reasonable, easy going me knows he would never do anything and that he is more fixated with the top shelf of shots and his pint of beer than another female, however, the other side of me is wondering what he is doing, who he is talking to and is she more attractive than I am and oh my god I will be single in the morning.
    I usually sit wide awake until the early hours when he strolls in declaring his undying love for me and his kebab.
    Its an awful feeling and it has always been a sore subject between us – I expect him to send me at least 1 or 2 messages throughout the night however he doesn’t see the need- which always lead to huge arguments. Thankfully he is coming round to me and my anxious thoughts and I get a few texts and phone calls throughout the night.
    Isn’t it funny how its always a different story when us girls are out and don’t send a message to tell them we are in safe because OH MY GOD ARE WE MIGHT BE DEAD.
    Oh no Mr, just playing you at your own game.
    Anyway, thanks Hannah. This, for me, was the most real post you have ever written, no gloss, just how 85% of females feel in this situation.
    x

    • B

      Wow it’s like you are writing about my life! Me and my boyfriend have been together 3 years and I just seem to get worse each time he goes out alone.. He never ever used to understand why he had to text me but luckily he’s a lot better know than what he used to be. He also says he’s far too busy getting pissed with his pals to be looking at other girls but little old insecure me just worries and worries. But when I go out, I’m exactly the same as him!! Funny old bunch aren’t we?!

  • I get those “episodes” too. And I also feel ashamed, bc why should I cry when it’s not helping. I found out that naming the things that could cause it and then give a reason why it’s not true works the best for me.

  • Wow, reading this it is like I could have written that post. I can go from confident and fine to insecure and “being silly” (although it is never silly, not really. It is based on past experiences, very real hurt and fears) and I will find myself freaking out.

    I can’t offer much advice. If you ever want to chat you know where I am, but it sounds like you got a good one. You deserve to be with someone who loves you through the highs and lows – remember that.

    You’ve got this. You will be ok.

  • Yes. Yes to all of this. I literally just wrote about a similar experience, I was supposed to have a lovely weekend all to myself and I spent the first part of it tearful, anxious and convinced I was a massive failure with no friends, because anyone who had no weekend plans surely had to be a massive failure with no friends, right? It was even more unpleasant because I hadn’t felt that bad for absolutely ages, so I wasn’t even expecting it.

    I love how honest you are, thanks for writing about this!
    Laura x

  • Amy

    Hannah thank you so much for being so honest. You make me (and lots of others judging by the comments) feel normal for having crazy ass emotions rather than feeling like a complete weirdo. Glad you’re feeling better now, ups and downs happen to us all <3
    Amy xx Call Me Amy

  • Hannah Gale, you are an inspiration – a real girl. I bloody love your blog so keep it up girlfriend.

    Rebecca

  • Thank you for this post. So real and honest.. I know how u feel only with cat… my boyfriend is driver of the truck :) we have to stay strong… we do best 😉 xxx Ivanetta.cz

  • Like Sophie said, I really hope you didn’t feel like you had to write this because of that other post this week. You don’t owe anybody anything! And okay, you got a bit drunk and had a wobble, but look how quickly you bounced back! Feeling better by the end of the day? That is progress my friend! Mental health recovery isn’t about never having episodes, it’s about how quickly you feel better when you do…

    You can only do what you can do. And you’re doing great! I’m sure this Friday will be better :-) xxx

  • Caroline

    Yet another gutsy blog post missus, that you need to know just how much it resonates with each and every one of us – and that we appreciate the ballsy honesty.

    Every one of us has felt this ( which you describe so eloquently), in our own way, brought on by any number of things – it might not be wine or boyfriends, but we all have our little niggles that fester and make us feel like this – then make us feel bad for feeling this way, it is horrible. But just knowing that we ALL get it, makes it feel just that little bit more manageable. So Thank you, yet again, for reaching out from your laptop in a starbucks miles away to each of us.

    This level of honesty is the blog equivalent to “ugly crying”, full-on snottery tears, gasping for air crying, not the stupid, pretend “pretty crying” of a single tear falling down the face of an english rose actress ( keira knightley i am looking at you!), which is why we all feel it- your words connect and resonate and it makes us all feel so much better for it – a group cry! xxxx

  • Yours is my favourite blog to read right now!You are absolutely nailing it, I love the personal posts, because yeah, we’ve all been there, but we don’t know we’ve all been there until someone stands up and says “I did this thing … Is that a normal thing to do?” <3 <3

  • Charlotte

    Hannah I relate to you so much. I have no ‘really’ worries and I can be fine for days, but then it all comes over me like ‘MEH’ and I make my tiniest insignificant problems my biggest ones. I am an over thinker, and probably a little too senstive for my own good. We can all have days like this – keep going x

  • Emma C

    This is why i love your blog because you’re so super honest, grounded and real. It’s so nice to see something that is true and raw because yes even when everything is going good sometimes you have bad days and that’s ok. That’s what reading this post made me feel, like it was ok to not be ok and have it together all the time. You are awesome and sharing your downs as well as your ups makes me love your blog even more. You smash it gal, you got this xx

  • Caragh

    I regularly get the 2nd fear where I think no-one likes me and I am boring person to be round. That settles on me for a day or 2 every now and then and I end up crying over the smallest thing and feeling like I am not worth anything or anyones time.
    I loves reading these comments ( and your blog) as I realise I am not alone and everyone goes a bit bats*** crazy at times.
    Sending love n hugs to everyone xxx

  • i literally did a post so similar to this a few days ago so it’s totally reassuring that it’s not just me who goes through weird little bumps like that!

    it’s also super refreshing to know that polished bloggers like yourself have flaws and stuff like actual human beings. Which is a good thing.

    Thanks Hannah, really really appreciate this post!

    http://www.lovefromlorna.co.uk/2016/02/maybe-im-getting-my-period-or-something.html

    http://www.lovefromlorna.co.uk

  • Amy M

    It posts like this that really make me admire you Hannah, don’t get me wrong your fashion posts are awesome and have really given me the confidence to try out new things and have made me a overall sassier version of me but posts like this help me love and accept myself a little bit more. I have these crazy neurotic moments too and they make me feel so silly. I feel like less of a grown- up after and realising that lots of people have them and it;s not just me reverting to a teenager unable to handle her emotions. You have made me realise that it’s ok to have them once in awhile . So thanks for sharing, thanks for being brave enough to not just tell us about the good times. Your an inspiration.

  • Katie

    Thank you so much for posting this Hannah. I read all your posts religiously but this one I just had to comment on. The blogging world needs somebody like you who says it all rather than posting shit about brands they’ve been paid to talk about through rose tinted glasses.

    I struggle with anxiety, more so the past few years, and constantly worry if people like me. Not once have I read a blog post on anxiety that has been written so honestly and without shame. It sounded like you were actually talking about me! If a boy doesn’t text me back properly or doesn’t come home when he says he will I also turn into a sobbing mess diving headfirst for the chocolate and duvet. You most definitely are not alone.

    You’re an inspiration to me and I’m sure to so many others. Keep telling it like it is!

    xxx

  • Rosy

    Wow I relate to this so much. I had a similar episode on Thursday. I was out after work with a gjrlfriend, we were drinking wine and having such a great catch up. My boyfriend came to meet us a few hours later and suddenly I felt anxious and self conscious and shitty. It was in no way his fault though, he is literally the kindest liveliest person, who deals with my depression and anxiety on a daily basis. I have no idea where the anxiety had come from. I tried to keep it in, and me and my boyfriend go to a nice restaurant and he orders food and offers to buy me dinner, and I refuse because I feel ugly and fat and drunk, but I am hungry, but I also feel Luke being a bitch. I started worrying that my boyfriend was looking at one of the waitresses loads and that she was much prettier than me, and thinner, and they would fall in love and live happily ever after (I also swear I’m not a psyco girlfriend usually). Then I started crying and decided to go sit outside in the cold and rain, mascara running down my face with loads of people walking past. We went home and I kept having crying bouts, but really sobbing ugly crying. I felt like such a burden and that made me want to cry more. I starter thinking about my shitty childhood and baring my soul to the bf. I fell asleep and then felt amazing in the morning, if not a bit hungover. I was almost late for a job interview for a promotion (which I got) wearing the last night’s outfit and no makeup (which is a big deal for me) and I had no anxiety what’s so ever, the night before I had been consumed with it. Its so weird how suddenly it can come on and then just go. Sometimes it can happen several times throughout the day for me.

    I think you’re really brave for talking about it so publicly.

  • Ah Hannah thank you SO much for posting this and being so honest, it popped up at just the right time. I have really been struggling recently, OF COURSE I want my boyf to go out and have a good time but I get unbelievably anxious when I suddenly wake up at 2am and he hasn’t arrived home. It is something I feel like I need to try hard to control but sometimes I really can’t help it then can’t seem to shake it off and actually feel happy that he had a good time, y’know.

    Bladdy anxiety! One thing I will suggest is nipping down to Holland N Bazza n getting some vit D supplements, they have really helped me keep panic attacks at bay. Immy x

    http://www.immymay.com

  • Thank you so much for posting this, Hannah!! I identify with these feelings 110% and it’s comforting knowing I’m not the only one out there. After every night (in or out) of drinking I always woke up with a wave of self-loathing anxiety that I couldn’t shake off. It was so bad at one point that I stopped drinking entirely. I didn’t understand why everyone else could go out & enjoy themselves & yes, feel physically hungover the next day but only I was feeling it mentally. It wasn’t until I read an article (wish I could find it to share) that I learned how I felt was a part of my anxiety, and although it wasn’t right, it surely wasn’t abnormal. I can’t be certain but maybe alcohol-induced anxiety was what you had going on. I liked how you said in your depression video that being aware of your feelings is key, as is identifying your triggers. Going forward all of us can do our very best to (try) to squash our anxiety whether it be not drinking so much or just doing more pick-me-up activities! Anxiety is the worst but knowing its laced into our hangovers helps us realise we’re not as crazy as we seem! Thanks again for sharing.
    Ps you’ll love Scandal – dead good.

  • Such an honest post and something I can really resonate it with. I suffer with quite bad insecurities and anxieties and whenever my boyfriends out I do start to panic and my head will just go through every possible negative and worst case scenario thoughts – It’s horrible and I end up taking it out on him when he’s done absolutely nothing wrong. I keep vowing to go on a diet and try and feel more comfortable and secure in my own skin and hope this problem will disappear but this is yet to happen!

    http://www.ohsobecky.com

  • Ash

    Ugh, I feel you. I go insane every time my boyfriend is having fun without me. And I know I’m being stupid and crazy and completely irrational but it doesn’t stop the constant ideas that he’s having SO much fun that he’s wondering why he EVER wastes any nights in with me when he could be out living it out with all his super fun friends who he likes way better than me… I’ve kind of got a grip on it at the moment but you’re right, we all have our moments where it just takes over.
    Sounds like the alcohol likely triggered your episode which is kind of good because it means you have a grip on your mental health when you’re in your right mind and looking after yourself. But alcohol almost always brings on the fear… But thanks for posting about it cause fucking loads of us are all going through the exact same shit (my poor mum still goes through it at 50) but we rarely admit to it and it helps to realise we’re not actually crazy!

  • A

    It’s so comforting to know it isn’t just my brain that goes on these weird adventures.
    Thank you for making this post Hannah, I am definitely going to read this when my anxiety starts to rear it’s ugly head.

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