I felt like I owed you this post. I mean, maybe I didn’t, maybe this is an overshare on my part. Maybe this is something that would have been better brushed off into the past as I marched forward into the future feeling all sassy and fly and confident and happy.
But I feel like after Monday’s post (read it here if you missed it), and my promise to share the good and the bad, I felt like it was important I document what I’m about to tell you.
So here is a post about the bad.
Friday night started like, well, like the way all good Friday nights start.
With a big glass of wine, pyjamas and a fresh episode of Grey’s Anatomy just chilling for me in my Sky Planner.
Someone go call a builder because I was nailing it.
Anyway Chris was out. Chris had a work meal and wouldn’t be back til about 11pm and I was feeling so geared up about a Hannah night.
I’d gone out and bought gnocchi and chorizo because dayum, Friday night is cheat night if ever I saw one and I was loving life all parceled up in a duvet I’d dragged downstairs to the sofa.
Then I sobbed through Grey’s Anatomy because fucking hell, what an episode, then I drank another glass of wine and got onto cooking my dinner and then I upgraded our Sky Subscription BECAUSE I AM WILD AND WOO FRIDAY. Then I was like man, why we out of wine?
So I went to the shop and bought another bottle and was onto my third glass and was like wait, is it cool to drink three glasses of wine on your own or is that not cool? I dunno.
I feel so Bridget Jones right now. But not in a sad way, in a glam ‘oh you’ kinda way.
So then I started watching Scandal (which is another Shonda Rhimes piece of emotional turmoil from what I can tell) and I started sending Chris photos of me and the cats.
And then I started asking him what time he was coming home because now it was 10pm and I was like omg we can be tipsy together and THIS COULD BE SUCH A FUN FRIDAY NIGHT.
And then he wasn’t texting me back properly because lol he was having fun with his friends and then I was getting annoyed and listening to 2005 songs on YouTube and then I went to bed.
And then, I woke up briefly to see Chris come home just before midnight, but that was that, that was my night.
I woke up in the morning and felt like someone I didn’t know.
This anxiety gripped and entwined in my soul, making me feel like a version of myself I’ve spent too long trying to get rid of.
I cried and I tried to clean the kitchen, whilst Chris tried to nap away his hangover.
And then I showered and got back into bed and cried some more. Until tears were stripping away the expensive moisturiser I’d so lovingly massaged into my cheeks.
And I tried to breathe through it. I tried to take deep breaths and rise above this weird little demon sitting on my chest making me feel like a black firework emotionally erupting and exploding all over the place.
Chris tried to suggest he take me out for breakfast. I asked where and he said Frankie & Benny’s and I basically laughed in his face before howling harder into my pillow like a broken baby.
(We did eventually go to F&Bs and it was OK. The orange juice tasted like it cost 17p from Tesco and had then been watered down, but the food was alright y’know).
The thing with getting yourself trapped in mental limbo, this place where time wastes away and yet your mood and your head freezes you from being able to be productive, to be a functioning person, is that you have to understand why you’re in the mood in the first place in order to get out of it.
I knew I had to sound out my fears and my angers and my problems before I would be able to stop the tears, compose myself and get my ass out the house to breakfast.
You have to open up. Whether that’s to yourself or to someone else. You have to accept your disfunctioning brain.
And for me, my ‘episode’ had come from two places – it had come from this embarrassment that it was my own fault because lol whydya need THREE glasses of wine on your own Hannah? Was that ever going to be a good idea? You’re such an idiot, you should know better than that. You brought this on yourself.
And secondly it came from the place everything always comes from – this irritating innate fear that no-one likes me.
This fear that Chris had forgotten about me, all because he hadn’t been sending hourly MISS YOU BABY YOU DA BEST XOXOXOXOX texts.
I promise I’m not actually a psycho girlfriend despite how this post makes me look. And I’m honestly so embarrassed that I’m burning up and I feel like my jumper might just melt off me right here in Starbucks.
Now THAT would give me something to be embarrassed about. Nothin’ to see here, just sitting in my yoga pants and Uggs with my boobs out and a melted jumper around my ankles. Lols.
I don’t really know how to end this post. I moved on. I ate my food, took some outfit photos and then spent the rest of the day curled up on the sofa with a hungover boy eating Krispy Kreme doughnuts and relishing in our new Sky channels.
I perked up, I became me again. Just a version of me left feeling mortified by my own out of control emotions and mental health.
I think my point of this story is that no matter how happy you feel or how mentally healthy you feel, there will always be moments in life that play to your weaknesses. That put you in situations that make you revert back to someone you don’t want to be, and all you can do and I can do and we can do is learn to find a way to rise above them, to kick them in the face and to move on.
You are going to fall down, no matter how glossy and golden life becomes, because no-one can be cheeky-achingly happy all the time. You’ve just got to remember how to find a way back up again.