I think one of the biggest fears of any internet ‘personality’, be it a blogger, or a YouTuber or an Instagram guru, is the fear attached to keeping your audience captivated.
The fear of keeping your content and your persona relevant to the people who have become fascinated by the life you communicate through a keyboard and through a lens.
Of keeping them captivated throughout sponsored content and campaigns and of keeping them captivated as you grow up, as your life changes, as you change.
Because without them, you are nothing.
I mean, you are something. You are wonderful and meaningful and important and loved in the offline world, but if you make your living online, your whole income and career is based on captivating strangers through your internet voice.
And so without those captivated people, your online presence is ahem, kinda not really there and lol whaddya gonna do for a living? How you gonna pay that £80 phone bill because lol Instagram stalking eats all your data?
When I first started doing this blogging shebang, I was, admittedly, an entirely different person.
I was a lost person. A lost girl fighting to regain control of her mental health and her wellbeing and her happiness. I was a bit like a kid standing on a balancing beam in a PE class.
Some moments I felt exhilarated and like I was flying, and other moments I felt like I was so close to crashing to the ground, to breaking into a million pieces, to feeling pain like I’d never known before.
I was, as the expression goes, trying to find myself.
But, as is the way with growing up and finding one’s self, I’ve moved on from being that little lost goose.
Because, well, I’m not lost anymore.
I found my way back home, back to Hannah, back to the person I always wanted to be.
I have found stability and my ‘calling’. I have found a healthy relationship and the first home that has ever really felt like home. I have found my good, happy place.
I mean, don’t get me wrong. There’s still some fogginess taking over my brain every now and then. WHEN SHOULD YOU HAVE A BABY? WILL THIS BLOG SUPPORT YOU FOREVER? SHOULD YOU LIVE IN IPSWICH FOREVER? WHO ARE YOUR FRIENDS?
But mostly, I am in control. I am winning the battle against myself.
And in doing so, I feel like I might be alienating you.
You fell in love with the flailing, honest, weird, slightly broken version of me, and well, I’m kinda starting to get my shit together these days.
I mean, like, not entirely.
My credit card statement still makes me do the cry-laughing emoji face every day and lol I watched Rudey kick a plate off the kitchen surface this morning and it hit the floor and broke into a bazillion and two pieces. I’m also really bad for picking my toenails and y’know what? I don’t really have many friends at all and that’s a bit meh.
So yeah, I’ve kinda got my shit together but I’m not literally farting rainbows and fairies.
My point is, my current state of mind is going to dictate my content. It is going to come across more glossy and lalalala so happy because well, that’s kind of where my head’s at.
I don’t have as much to moan about as I once did. And I think I mentioned it briefly in another post, but I don’t know if I genuinely have less things troubling me, or if I’ve managed to achieve some weird grown-up place in my brain where I see the positives in things much more easily than I once did.
I feel more confident and more proud of myself. I have started to accept who I am, even with my flaws.
And that new-found happiness and confidence is going to shine through in my writing and in my content. And I want it to, because I want to show the world that you can go from feeling worthless and lost to feeling like the giggling baby sun thing in the Teletubbies.
You never know what roads the world is going to take you down. How your emotions will shift, how your outlook and way of thinking will change.
But I’m also scared that in doing so, in being a bit of a positive Patricia, I will start to make people feel a bit like OH FUCK OFF BACK TO YOUR AVOCADO STAINED BED SHEETS YOU ROSE-TINTED CREATURE.
And that isn’t who I am on the internet. Or at least it’s not who I want to be on the internet.
Anyway, I’m rambling and losing all sense of what I’m trying to say. HELLO, girl needs a Diet Coke and Galaxy Golden Eggs break right now.
But maybe I wanted to apologise for any noticeable shift in content and my mood. I wanted to say that I am sorry if for even a fleeting second I have made you question who you are and what you’re doing.
But also, I want to remind you that I am here for the good times and the bad times. I will write about my life no matter what turns and twists it takes, both hideous and golden.
I pinky promise to stay true to who I am and I hope that you will continue to stick with me for the rest of the journey.
I hope that we will be jollying about lol how are you coping with your £24 a week pension in several decades to come, sharing OMG HOW PERFECT ARE THESE WEDDING FLOWERS chats and doing eye rolls about WTF are kids wearing these days. Did we really wear skirts that basically show off our vaginas? I mean, I *don’t* remember doing that. Maybe we did that.
Here’s to a long and glorious future together <3
(P.S. If my blog looks glossier, all blame can be placed with the Olympus Pen and that damn 45mm lens that can make anyone look like a model tottering between LFW shows).