I’m not exactly sure what I’m trying to get across in this post, so you’ll have to bear with me.
Yuh huh, totally Googled which bear or bare to use there. Journalism at its finest.
As I’m writing this I’m drinking a cup of tea out of a festive mug, have Justin Bieber soothing my soul in the background (not like, in real person, I’d have probably died and gone to heaven tbh) and a Neom blush rose candle flickering on my desk.
I also have crippling stomach pains and an uncomfortable belly because what do ya know, I’m feeling hideously anxious and emotionally blah.
I’ve had a good run of these colder seasons. Normally October and November are my arch nemesisis – they make me want to curl up and cry and cease doing anything of note, but this year they’ve been pretty dandy. Maybe it’s because I mentally prepared myself and talked and wrote about it so much last year (there’s this post…) that I felt so utterly held up and ready to tackle my SAD demons this year. Well, anyway, turns out, THEY’RE HERE.
I’ve spent the last week or two really struggling. I’ve found myself staying in bed for as long as possible and I’ve basically developed some sort of fear of my desk. Instead I keep going to the supermarket and treating it like a day out at the zoo. Honestly, Sainsbury’s has become like a second home. And aside from my daily trips out to look at reduced boxes of Lindor and buy Diet Coke and eye up ceramic baking trays, I’ve just kind of been wanting to nap or sit on the sofa and play with the cats and feel those incredible waves of guilt wash over me.
The guilt that says you’re a fucking fat lazy bitch and you don’t deserve success and good things because look at you, it’s 2pm on a Tuesday and nothing is even wrong but you’re on the sofa. What’s wrong with you? You’re so behind with everything. No-one’s going to read your blog and then that’ll be it, you’ll be jobless. You’ll have to go on Job Seeker’s or maybe commute into London every day and that’ll REALLY give you a reason to feel tired and mopey.
So hi, that’s kind of why I’ve been ever-so-slightly off my blog and YouTube game.
I’ve also got a lot going on in my personal life. And when people ask how I am, I guess the best way to describe it is that I still feel like me. I’m a functioning version of myself but it feels like all the glitter and the sassiness and the stupid jokes and the bright lipsticks have been washed away. I feel a bit defeated.
I’m still having tests to discover the reason behind my suddenly mental skin and irregular periods (like erm, do they honestly go from being like CLOCKWORK to appearing once in 40 days and then coming back a week later?). In fact, I have some cute little swabs being taken later this morning, so that’s a babin’ little Monday treat for me.
I’m also getting ahead of myself with all my PCOS research and assuming that I’ll become the woman who thinks about just picking up babies in Boots and sauntering off with them because my womb is so cobweb-y and inhospitable. I don’t know if that was a mean thing to write, and at this point, when it’s my body and I’m feeling a bit scared, I don’t actually really care.
I’ve also got some other, bigger stuff going on that maybe I’ll go into on my blog at some point and maybe I won’t. Stuff that’s kind of overwhelming me and big and bad and life-changing.
And, on a more light-hearted note, I just squeezed a spot on my ear lobe without even looking in the mirror.
Flippin’ heck, I am a machine. No, but for real, do new spots not just want to keep on cropping up all over my face and body. There’s one on my back currently that feels like there might be like a big button buried under my skin. I’m so hot right now, someone call the Fire Brigade to come put this smokin hot babe out.
Here’s a few other things that have changed about me recently: my nose stud fell out in my sleep and now it’s closed up and I’m no longer hip and cool, I had a weird sensation right up the top of my nose the next day and I became convinced that either the stud was lodged up there or I had a nose worm, I can almost do a smokey eye and proper contour after watching some YouTube tutorials and on a final note – I can’t stop eating.
Like, it’s getting out of control.
After cutting down my meat intake, I saw my weight drop by a handful of pounds, taking me to my lowest weight of 2015, and now, NOW I WON’T STAND ON THEM DAMN SCALES.
The hunger is unreal. I ate beans on toast, left the house, and within two hours I was shaking for food and needing a lie down. It’s not just like snacking after meals because YOLO it’s December and I can cram that sneaky little mince pie in somewhere in my second stomach, it’s actually being hungry, having a rumbly belly and hunger pangs ALL. THE. TIME, like I’ve been working out non stop and need to be consuming 3,000 calories a day.
(Spoiler: I’ve not been working out non stop, although I did go swimming twice).
So yeah, that’s me. That’s my life and my mind as of right now.
Soz this wasn’t fun and full of lolz and *probably* didn’t make you want to get up and tackle life and be a right sassy sister. Soz if it’s a bit of a downer and makes you want to go to Pret at like 11.30am for macaroni cheese.
I’m hoping to have a post a day up this week (and a couple of new videos over on YouTube), I’m praying to the writing gods that I strike inspiration and motivation and feel like me again because damn it, I’ve got to see out 2015 on a blogging high.
Peace out, gal pals.
(If anyone wants to send over a portion of macaroni cheese to Ipswich, that’s be A-OK. That, or a big slice of $2 New York pepperoni pizza.)