Hey gal pals, how’s it hanging?
I thought I’d throw together a little sneaky post close to my heart. No, YOU need to appreciate the offline world more.
*Off to go and charge my portable charger in case omfg I run out of battery and the internet collapses*
Heres 19 things that happen when you’re addicted to social media…
1. Your camera roll includes 925 selfies you’ve never used. And what? Girl gotta have options.
2. You could give a detailed run down of all the holidays the girl you worked with in 2010 has been on this year but for the life of you have no idea when you last shaved your legs. Like erm, this month maybe?
3. When you’re Instagram stalking someone you already follow and you find a photo that they uploaded a couple of days ago that you’ve never seen before and you’re like BUT WHAT COULD I HAVE POSSIBLY BEEN DOING THAT WAS SO IMPORTANT I DIDN’T CHECK INSTAGRAM.
4. Your monthly phone bill would make your parents weep and chain drink tea (or y’know, make them sit you down and give you a stern talk about financial responsibilities) but data <3<3<3
5. At least once a day you find yourself on an ex-boyfriend’s girlfriend’s sister’s best friend’s cat’s profile and you start using your phone like you’re James Bond in a room full of security beams that could detonate a bomb. Must. Not. Accidentally. Like. Photo. From. 17th. March. 2011.
6. You own a selfie stick, portable phone charger, printed out Instagram photos in a polaroid shape and some weird secret santa gift with a quote about the internet. Lol.
7. You have a constant back up of maybe Instagram uploads just in case you get held captive in a cave without natural light or anything aesthetically pleasing around you. You don’t want the world forgetting you’re a person.
8. When you accidentally get yourself into a hideous situation where YOUR PHONE BATTERY ACTUALLY DIES and once you’ve managed to get yourself over the initial shock and panic and OMFG46573657657, you find yourself feeling all poetic and free and alive. I’m basically a hippy tbh. I’m so at one with the world. Might just board a plane without telling anyone and go and live a quite life in Peru tbh.
9. When you go for brunch you legit choose the thing that’ll look prettiest in photos over the thing your tummy most wants. Like erm yes the pancakes and berries and bacon plz and how fancy is your coffee artwork just btw?
10. You’d put reading through your Twitter Analytics on par with browsing ASOS’s new-in page. Like yeah new shoes are cool, but how many new followers did I get last month plz?
11. Erm excuse me hello where do I find the emojis on this windows 7 computer? I can’t tweet without emojis, it’s not 2003, thx.
12. When someone asks you which websites you read regularly and you’re like ummmmmm does the profile page of a girl I went to school with who posts hourly statuses about her life count?
13. When you’re on a delayed train and the conductor’s like ‘ I have no information at present’ and you’re like boo, just check Twitter. I can give you a detailed run-down of where the points failure is, how many trains are affected and how long the delay’s expected to go on for. * does sassy hair flick and adds train specialist to CV*
14. You would legit rather live with the danger and fear of using your phone in the bath than not have access to it for the entire 15 minutes you’re soaking in there.
15. You’ve bought a lifetime supply of BooTea, two Daniel Wellington watches and half the Public Desire website because everyone else on Instagram was doing it and omg you want to be cool and have 5743856837k followers too. BooTea made you *nearly* poo yourself but whatevs.
16. First thing you do after sex/getting off a plane/coming out of a meeting/leaving the cinema/after driving is check your phone because fomo.
17. You chuckle to yourself when people use ugly Instagram filters like erm lol what even are Nashville and Toaster?
18. You carry a phone charger with you at all times and often find yourself putting on your prettiest smile to strangers who work in bars/restaurants and pleading with them to plug in your phone somewhere. Plz plz plz plz help me kind person, I love you forever, just til it’s on 10%, ok ok ok.
19. When someone asks you what you were up to last Tuesday you automatically consult your phone and social feeds rather than y’know, your actual real-life memory in your head.