Accepting Adulthood

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I always grew up believing that there’d be this moment or this phase where I’d acknowledge that I’d morphed into an adult.

A bit like a Pokemon evolving, y’know?

And, as time passes and 30 looms on the horizon (wtf bae, get back in the very, very distant future along with back ache and pensions and rocking chairs), I’ve kinda of realised that you don’t wake up one day like hmm, might get myself some herringbone slippers and start looking at the birds in the garden.

WOAH IS THAT A ROBIN AND A MAGPIE AND OMG WHAT’S THAT ONE OVER THERE.

Might have to make a cup of tea and have a bit of shortbread to help me calm the fuck down.

It’s been the fleeting moments etched into normal days that have made me realise that I’ve made it, that I have arrived, in one (albeit slightly crumbly) piece to the world of adulthood.

That I am no longer still a Johnson’s gradual tan coated-teenager trapped in an adult’s body, desperately trying to not let her new boyfriend see her slobbery retainer whilst cramming misspelt CVs into every cafe within a 10 mile radius.

(Lol to not being that girl anymore, bless her cute little lacy padded bras).

So, erm yeah. Banks, lock up your ISA accounts, Hannah’s an adult and she don’t care who knows it.

(Spoiler: I’m not getting an ISA).

It seems that the older you get, the quicker the years seem to pass and the more time seems to whirr by in a blur of birthdays, Christmas and oh good, summer lasted 4 days this year, jolly ho.

And because of that, that I think you’ll always feel like a bit of a fraud.

Because you haven’t noticed yourself mature and learn and grow because time’s spun past so damn quickly.

Like erm no, you can’t possibly employ me for this senior role you see because I’m actually still a child who likes Harry Potter and chocolate pudding deep down.

Or no, I couldn’t get married or have a baby because lol I sometimes still think about building dens when it’s rainy outside and I’m bored.

Y’know that feeling?

I think we’re all constantly lost in that feeling. Seeing someone in the mirror who looks older than the youthful little poppet we feel inside.

The point of this post was actually to talk about Thanksgiving, but I appear to have gone wildly off topic. My bad.

I wanted to write a post about laying up the table with AN ACTUAL TABLECLOTH WHAT THE EVEN FLIP, and about drinking good quality red wine and Advocaat because apparently I’m a 45-year-old in the 1970s, and about cooking a chicken and buttermilk mash and veggies. About making pastry from scratch and puree-ing a pumpkin. About having couple friends round and telling stories and jokes and discussing the things we’re thankful for.

But in all of that, the thing that stood out most for me was the theme of adulthood shining through the entire evening loud and proud.

The fact that even a Hannah from two or three years ago would be like woah babe, you got old.

But even that girl, with her Tinder app and her constant hungover haze and her mild weekly breakdowns because OMG LONDON SO LONELY, SO TIRED, SO WAH, would be secretly envious.

She’d Lol at me now because hang on, hang on, you spent £6 on table decorations rather than another bottle of wine? But she’d also be mentally fist-pumping herself for getting there.

On Thursday evening there was a moment, one of those fleeting moments I mentioned before, the ones etched into the ordinary, where I thought, this is it, I’m here. I’m an adult and it’s OK and it’d good and I can’t wait to see what else adulthood brings with it.

Like, somehow, in that moment I had upped my adulthood game from the phase of adulthood that had come before.
Adulthood, adulthood, adulthood. I’m not sure I’ve said it enough.

I was wearing an apron over a long-sleeved midi dress whilst I topped up my wine and joined in discussions about homes and mortgages and life plans.

WHO EVEN AM I.

So yeah, in that moment, I felt a little warmth spread through my tummy and bones (probs the wine tbh) and accepted that I’d taken another little step further in the journey that is life.

Like I’d had another go at rolling the spinner on Game Of Life and had just got a little further up the game board.
And I liked it.

So here’s a little cheers to getting older, maturing, learning, feeling wiser and happier, and to being content.
Life is awkward and weird and you’ll always feel a little bit like heeeeeelp me, I’m still a child deep down under all the layers of adulthood fat, but it’s pretty damn sweet too.

Here’s to all the opportunities and adventures the next chapters of grown-up-ness brings.
(I’m off to drink more fancy wine and feel a bit more pleased with myself. See ya).

  • God sometimes I freak out about being an adult, that I’ve not done enough or not doing it right – I’m 21 and I feel 28 half the time, it’s madness! This was a lovely reflective post to read, and definitely need to start attempting more adult things, need to get that ISA sorted (haha)

    Lauren x
    Britton Loves | Lifestyle Food Beauty

  • Kate

    I love this post!

    Your twenties are an inbetween unverse.
    When I recently turned 25 and was then freaking out about turning 30 I had adults (more adulty adults) laugh at me wondering why I was wishing my life away 5 years instead of just enjoying the now..being 25, then stepping back you realise how long 5 years is and it’s important to just enjoy it!
    I think it’s important to live for the now whilst having future aims in mind too..enjoy being your youthful 26 year old self, enjoy making dens and having 2am McDonald’s and enjoying living in your own home..most of us working our first real adult job..it’s a good mix of both during your twenties..I’m currently eating 20 nuggets..because I can!

  • I’m in my thirties and responsible for 2 children, it freaks me out at times, I constantly feel like I’m playing house!! X

  • I loved this post! I’m only 20 and I can already see some of these in myself! I can’t believe how quickly life goes when you’re working – I wish I appreciated it more back in school!

    Jodie @ Jodetopia x

  • I’m totally having one of those moments where I’m graduating soon & I still feel like I’m 15. Like where has life gone?! I feel like we’re always going to be children in adults bodies – I’ll still be making dens when I’m 40…

    http://www.beckieeschle.com

  • amy

    I turned 25 this week. ahhhh. It wasn’t so bad, I kinda want to grow up in a I am financially secure and mental stable kind of way. Still not there yet but still 5 more years until dirty thirty (which I worry about more than turning any other age).

  • http://www.arcteryxsale.com
    Thank you for your tips! It’s really nice of you to share them! 🙂

  • This made me smile so much. I’ve been thinking exactly the same the last week or so – how little fleeting moments make you stop for a second (like spending money on curtains and new dinner plates and actually getting excited – WTF) and think jeeez total adult but then in the same week catching up with uni friends laughing so much about all the stupid sh*t you did at uni and realising that was nearly 10 years ago. Whaaaaaat. But I feel 18!! But I’m loving it and trying to enjoy these moments because, yeh we’re there and we’re doing good! xx

  • Rebecca

    I’m so glad you posted a blog about this because I’ve been having moments like this for the last few months but I’ve found it hard to put my finger on exactly what the feeling is!

    It’s hard to rationalise how I feel because on the one hand i’m majorly freaking out about turning 25 in a couple of months and not having done anything I thought I would have done by this age, but on the other hand i’m trying to enjoy my life and trying to accept being a bit older (and supposedly wiser…).

    This adulting game can be hard sometimes!

  • ella

    Hi hannah – Wheres that table cloth from?

  • I have had a post like this in my drafts for SO LONG. But you said everything so eloquently and LOL-worthy babes. Those days where you fluctuate back and forth between feeling like I’ve got this and then just wanting to stay in bed and watch re-runs of Sabrina The Teenage Witch. This must be particularly acute with our generation (for so many reasons). sophie xxxx
    http://www.fashionnomads.com

  • I have moments like this and I’m only 23!! ps. love the Pokemon anecdote!

    http://www.ohsobecky.com

  • I’ve always been the girl who everyone said had an old soul. My closest friends were always years older than me, I always had my entire life mapped out.
    Now, I just turned 24, I’m like “wait, why have I always been old? Where was my teen years?”
    And I must say, I never had a “yup I’m an adult today” because my whole life I always identified mostly with adults.
    Here’s to loving our adult lives and drinking wine, and cooking, and home ware!
    Also, that chicken you cooked looks divine. Yum.

    http://www.justbeingbrooklyn.com

  • I definitely feel like a pretend adult a lot of the time. I mostly wait for the real grown-ups to come and tell me I’ve had my fun, but it’s time to stop playing house and ‘offices’ and get back in the sandbox. Until I see teenagers. Then I’m like, god damn, look at me and my awesome adultness. I got this.

  • Wonderful look, chic look


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