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Learning To Accept My Ageing Body

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This is a post I never thought I’d have to write at this point in my life.

I just don’t feel old enough.

I thought I’d notice the changes to my youthful self later on, when I was old-old and not like just old enough for a child to call me a lady.

I’m not old, I’m young. I’m BASICALLY just a teenager. I swear. I am. But then why are my boobs shrinking and sagging and not looking cute like all the bikini-clad celebs on the Mail Online. HUH HUH?

Growing up, you have this idea that your body will look however you want it to look. And, without sounding like a right frigging naive idiot, I kind of assumed, up until maybe 14 or 15 that my body just would pop into the sort of figure you see plastered across magazines and glossy blogs and celeb websites. I just assumed that, so long as you weren’t eating a sneaky burger and fries for every damn meal of the day, that’s how your body would look.

All neat and toned and gentle curvs and flat tummy and pert little toosh.

Lol.

Lol.

Lol.

I’m not sure there’s enough lols in the world.

I just assumed that everyone older than me whose bodies DIDN’T look like that had done something drastically wrong. Like, eaten a burger and fries for every meal ever.

That, or they’d had kids. Because I wasn’t THAT stupid to not acknowledge that GUESS WHAT, growing a baby in your belly stretches your skin and changes you FOREVER.

But here I am, aged 26 and nearly a quarter, with a body that’s not as ahem, springy, as it used to be.

And it hasn’t even nurtured a baby to full term, it’s just y’know, nurtured a few stuffed crust pizzas and bottles of wine to full term.

I’ve dropped about a cup size and a half on my boobs since the summer, and when I’m not wearing a bra I am overwhelmed by how saggy they feel. I feel disgusted and upset by the fact that, more than ever, I can feel them hanging against my skin.

I can feel them moving and dropping towards the floor when I run down the stairs. I can feel sweat gathering underneath them. I fear for the under-boob skin infections I’m probably about to start harbouring.

I can remember at school hearing this definitely-true fact that if you could hold a pencil under your boob without hands than your boobs were saggy. Real sweet.

I was 16, a D cup and could hold five pencils under each boob.

(Naturally I gave it ago because omg such a fun break from MSN Messenger).

And no, I haven’t given it ago a decade on because I don’t want to force Tesco to sell-out of Crayola colouring pencils this close to Christmas, it’s not fair on the children.

I haven’t lost weight, so it’s not the result of some cute summer bodies are made in the winter attack on my weight, it’s just that my boobs have decided to ditch me and flee to someone hotter and younger who’ll get more use out of them.

And in their place they’ve left me some squidgey skin, which is well bangin’. Like hey, come look at my deflated fun bags, boys.

And it’s not just fast-disappearing breasts, there’s other little details in the way my body looks that have started changing.

When I am bloated and when I am having a ‘fat’ day, my weight used to sit right up on my tummy. Now it sits in the cutely named area that is a ‘gunt’. I AM THAT PERSON.

FML.

Like, in my high-waisted skinny jeans and a sweatshirt, I can see this slight bulge that rises upwards from my pubic bone. This is not cool and sassy and sexy. This is not a curve that I’d like to be there plz.

And it’s freaking me out a bit.

I thought I’d have longer.

I thought my ‘young lady’ body would hang around a bit longer. I thought she’d wait until I had babies or started heading towards 40 before she started making so many noticeable changes.

I can no longer get away with eating a pile of beige happiness without falling into a sleepy slump complete with robust bloat and the knowledge that I’ll probably be a pound up the next day because metabolism, what’s metabolism? Is that something from the noughties like Craig David and Two of a Kind?

I’ve never adapted well to any change that is out of my control. It makes me feel wild and flailing and like I can’t grasp onto solid ground around me. And whilst it is true that I could help prolong the body ageing process by hardcore gymming or plastic surgery (the idea of being put under anaesthetic literally makes my nose flare in terror just at writing those words), it is inevitable that my body WILL change.

I just have to appreciate the stories it can tell and the things it has been through. Because me and my tum and thighs and knockers, we’ve been gal pals for a long time now.

We remember the first time a boy said ‘woah, you’ve got the best legs in Littlehampton’. We remember the time a boy said ‘I’ll only go out with her when she grows boobs’. We remember the time our bezzie pal said ‘you’ve got such a good face, it’s just your body that lets you down’.

We remember the time we had an ultrasound to check out our fed-up kidneys, we remember the time we took a day off school to get our belly button pierced because hey cutie and we remember the time we first noticed ghostly white stretch marks appearing on our cute back fat curves like heyyyyy you, what you doing here, we didn’t invite you over.

Me and my lumps and bumps have been on quite THE journey together, and we’ve already gathered quite the collection of short tales to tell.

I can only hope, that no matter how much my body changes and droops and expands and does unpredictable things, it’ll continue to serve me as well as it has done for the past 26 years.

Body, you cause me a hella lot of heartache and insecurity and tears, but when it comes down to it, you and me is for lyf <3

 



29 comments so far.
  • Amy

    You are so honest Hannah and I love it – I would never dare to write a post like this but reading this has just made me feel so much better! I’m nearly 25 and feel like I’ve just hit that age where it’s not so easy to lose weight anymore and helloooo there double chin! Good to know it’s normal and not just me getting old super early!
    Amy X
    Call Me Amy

  • Haha I love this Hannah, I’m definitely the same, the weight just seems to go on so quickly and off so slowly! But the body has done me very well this far so I’m happy! x

    Jasmin Charlotte

  • Mel

    Aw it makes me a little bit sad that you feel this way, although I can empathise (thanks to working in kitchens & shops for quite a few years it’s oh hello there little varicose veins starting to pop up to say hi…. darn should have worn support tights EVERY DAY). The thing I try and remember is that your body is AMAZING. You can walk, you can run, dance, talk, sing, use your hands for writing and typing and cooking, you can see and hear, you can eat and whooohooo all the rest of the difestive process!! OK I’m rambling here and I don’t wanna lecture cos you know this stuff anyway. It’s so difficult to remember all the good stuff our bodies do too when there’s a few tiny parts that have gone maverick!xx

    • Mel

      **digestive. Oops.

  • poppy

    Such an honest post. We aren’t all going to be Victoria Secret models unless we’re all in the gym everyday and hardcore exercising. And life is way too short for that.
    as you say lets appreciate our bodies for what they can do and not what they look like.

  • Hannah

    I’m 27 and nearly a quarter and I feel your pain. I can’t believe I spent years of my teenage/early 20s life fretting about not having a completely flat stomach -where as now having a stomach I don’t have to tuck into my high waisted jeans and stress about it flopping out would be bloody marvellous!! But the thing I keep telling myself if that what I have now is the body of a WOMAN. Not some pubertal girl, a WOMAN. I couldn’t be more feminine if I tried with my chubby thighs, wobbly boobs and permanent rubber ring of blubber on my waist. I have a body now which would be pretty damn good at carrying a child (or 4) should I ever be able to afford it. And for that reason, I’m pretty darn proud of it. Much love xx

  • Nat

    I’m going to be turning 26 in less than a few months now, and it wasn’t until after reading this that I thought, “Shit is this going to be me in 2016??” and whilst I hope it isn’t, at the same time I think I’ll have to accept it. It is a part of getting older I guess.

    The way you’ve written this makes me feel better about that to be honest, and for that I thank you. <3

    https://theremightbecoffee.wordpress.com/

  • I love this. Like you said, my weight hasn’t drastically changed through out my life – I’ve always been a litttleee bit bigger than I should have been but not like crying into my McCains oven chips style. Then I had a moment last week where I was looking through Freshers photos (Yeh. I know. Give yourself a chance at happiness girl) and I stopped mesmorised by my legs (which at the time FYI I thought were fugly) and I just thought THE SHAPE of your body changes. Regardless of weight. It all just looks that bit sadder for itself. This was the moment I let go of being a VS model by 30. Oh. Happy Days.

    http://www.fashionnomads.com

  • I love this!! I have been feeling this in my boobs recently and im about to turn 22 and no mine arent huge either, i think Im aging already *sigh*. Just remeber there is always someone older than you ๐Ÿ˜‰ haha x
    a life of a charlotte

  • Another great blog post as usual!

    Keep being you <3

  • I have continually year on year told myself – next year is the year I’ll have a super hot body, next year I’ll make the most of being “young”. We’re bombarded by people telling us to “make the most of your youth” and feeling like it’s only going to go downhill from here, so make yourself the best you can be now as it’s only going to get worse! Ahh but I know I can be so much hotter than this, one day I won’t have a wobbly tummy and thighs that chaf in summer and a double chin whenever the cameras at the wrong angle! Then again, I guess we’ve got to be thankful for the things we do have, like slim ankles and an alright face I suppose! ๐Ÿ˜‰ Alice xx

    http://www.woodenwindowsills.co.uk

  • Looool MSN messenger shoutout! :) Also I hear ya. I just turned 29 last month and I don’t notice change in my body (one of the only advantages of being an A-cup, ha ha) but I definitely notice it in my face. Those neo-nasal lines are getting deeper, and my eyes always crinkle when I smile now. It’s inevitable and I accept it, but aging is still strange nonetheless!

  • C

    I recently noticed after a brief weight-loss (and almost instantaneous gain) that my belly hung rather than sat, and it makes me laugh so much. Hannah, you’re always so honest and funny, please never stop with these fantastic blog posts. I feel like I sit with you and we talk over tea as I read them. X

  • Love your honesty Hannah! We all have our lumps & bumps (especially as we get older), so I’m glad your starting to accept yours :) You have an amazing figure by the way, your gorgeous!:) I’m still far off, but hopefully I can get there! x

    http://www.beckieeschle.com

  • That roll around my tummy you refer to only appeared within the last couple of weeks and this post was the sad realisation that a week or two of gym and starvation probs aint gonna get that bad boy gone. *sob* Still, at least im not alone. Hannah if you do one thing well (apart from lists obvs) its making us 20 somethings feel united! Another great post ? x

  • This post turned out so sweet! I love thinking about the stories are bodies can tell! What an amazing way of looking at our insecurities. So nice to read such an honest post. Niamh x

    http://mypetitecloset.blogspot.co.uk/

  • I love this post! I’m the same age as you and honestly thought I was just being a bit mental when I thought I was aging already… I was also hoping to keep my young body way longer! Thanks for the honesty and MSN flashbacks X

    http://eleanorfrances.com

  • Leanne

    This post is brilliant, your honesty is so refreshing. I’m 27 and can so relate in the boob department, my boobs have always been big so the whole pencil thing I’ve been able to do since I was 14! Hello, big boobs vs gravity, gravity was always going to win!
    However I came to accept all this a long time ago, health problems mean I can’t change (through exercise) even if I wanted to but it makes me wish I was content with my body when I was a teenager, when I had a flat stomach that didn’t know what bloating was, when my boobs were at their perkiest and when I only had a few insignificant stretch marks.

    Anyways love the post, keep them coming. x

  • I love how honest this post is, but at the same time it was kind of like telling a love story with your body.
    I can definitely relate to everything in this post.

    http://www.justbeingbrooklyn.com

  • I hope you grow to love your body soon! You are gorgeous, and funny, and smart, and have a hella awesome blog! You should feel damn proud of yourself lady ๐Ÿ˜‰ I’m still in my young girl body, not sure I’m done growing yet, but I wrote a similar post to this about my body changing a couple of years ago, from a skinny awkward teen, to a woman with more figure! I’ve never cared much about how I like, I’ve had too many insecurities elsewhere to even think about it! But I do have to say, a vegan lifestyle is making my body feel much better. Now I just need to fit in some exercise and destress and I’ll be fiiine…

    Lots of love to you and your squishy body (squishy is good, my boyfriend calls me squishy and I used to feel insulted but now I like feeling squishy, I feel cute haha)! xoxo

  • Lauren

    I’m nearly 27 and have definitely noticed changes in my body. I feel like I’m not as fit as I used to be even though I work out a lot. It’s just something we have to accept but it’s okay bcos it happens to everyone x

    http://www.wonkylauren.com

  • I thought I was the only one who felt like this. You are so damn brave to write a post like this, Hannah, your fearlessness never ceases to amaze me. Life is fucking scary. But I think if we stick together, we’ll be okay. Solidarity, sister *hugs* x

    โ™ฅ.โ€ข*ยจ Amanda Says ยจ*โ€ข.โ™ฅ

  • Hannah I adore your honesty, it’s so refreshing, but i really do hope you learn to love your body soon.
    You seem so unhappy whenever you talk about it and nobody should have to feel that way when the look at themselves.

    PS) Be grateful you could put pencils under your boobs and they’d stay there.
    I put anything under mine and it basically falls to the floor because HELLO my boobs are basically just nipple on chest bone. LUSH xo

  • Thanks for sharing, amazing blogs!

  • God! This post made me feel 100 times better about myself haha. Don’t worry, Hannah! You aren’t on your own!

  • Under-book skin infection is totally a thing! I had an under-belly flab infection thing after my emergency c-section. Like the overhang wasn’t bad enough, because it was the height of summer and I wasn’t washing properly (because I was scared of the wound) I got an infection and it was the most depressing thing in the world!!!

  • Kate

    Hannah, you honestly having nothing to worry about..you are only 26 in your prime! You look lovely to me and I really think you have nothing to worry about.
    I think this fear comes from because we are not teenagers anymore..but would you want to be? It was an awkward stage. Enjoy your youth and stop worrying when you are 40 you will look back and realise you were worrying over nothing!

  • I absolutely love this post. I feel far too many women feel this way and why? we shouldn’t have too. When any change happens to our bodies our self confidence takes a knock so this is great to see other women feel the same. Its normal.

    Although i am a little jealous you can hold a pencil with your boobs. I was not blessed in that department.

    We are bad ass bitches, lets own it!

    http://www.aimeeleighrogers.blogspot.com

  • I am so glad to have found this post! I turned 26 in October and it’s been bothering me enormously just how much my body has changed over the last few years:

    I have cellulite in places I didn’t know that you could, and I have the beginnings of deep trenches on my forehead (noticed for the first under the ever-flattering lighting of a public bathroom). I get weird aches and pains in my knees and hips (yoga is starting to look like more of a necessity than a glamorous fad for me to follow for five minutes). And I can’t have more than three pints before a two day hangover starts knocking on my door.

    Reading your post and everyone’s comments makes me feel less alone in the ageing process. Thank you for always being relatable and honest + for expressing sensitive topics with humour! xxx

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