Because our daily lives are a constant rollercoaster of OMG TEN NEW INSTAGRAM FOLLOWERS and oh GOD, do I need a poo in Westfield?
1. Coming on your period in public. Stuffing your pants with half a roll of loo roll rather than openly using the extortionate £1-a-tampon machine or asking someone you’re not on BFF terms with if they have a spare one. These pants’ll be going in the bin then, bloomin’ womb lining…
2. Being the person in charge of opening the train doors at your stop. Like, you have approximately 0.7 seconds between the lights flashing to say GO, GO, GO and being dubbed a slow idiot by complete strangers. No pressure.
3. Contouring. Everything about contouring. I put it where?
4. Balancing a nail varnish bottle between your knees, on the bed cover, on the sofa arm and just hoping for the best. Could just like sit on the floor with a towel or summin, but what’s life without a little danger, eh?
5. Getting changed at the gym. Not knowing whether your bare bum is reflecting in a mirror somewhere to the rest of the changing room. Trying to avoid eye contact or accidentally staring at the old lady who’s pottering about with her lady parts just chilling out in the open.
6. Getting a 20% low-battery warning flashing up. In the middle of the day. Without a charger. Or plug socket. Whilst texting a boy. You’ll probs get registered missing tbh.
7. Going to pay for something with actual real-life money and holding up the queue whilst you forage for change that’s fallen to the bottom of your bag. Like, OK, don’t mind me just wading through 14 receipts, some Greggs crumbs, a lip liner, lip balm, lip gloss and four lipsticks. Lol.
8. Ordering a Diet coke and getting a Diet Pepsi, like erm no.
9. When a distant relative or taxi driver tries to get you into a conversation about ‘those damn immigrants’ or what a ‘top lad Farage is’. Excuse me whilst I go and ram my head into a wall repeatedly.
10. Walking alone past building sites. Like yes, plz wolf whistle at me so I can start climbing up the scaffolding like Tarzan to find my dream hunk who’s holla’d at me.
11. Facebook friend requests, or worse, NEW TWITTER FOLLOWS from almost-elderly family members. Like erm hello, how do you know about Twitter, you’re old? Can I not do any swears now or do fun overshares?
12. When you’re hungover and the fellow hungover person you’re with suggests making some toast or cereal. Like bitch, get me to McDonald’s before someone gets hurt. Cheerios, CHEERIOS? What’s a cheerio going to do for this hangover?!
13. Standing in nothing but a paper thong whilst getting a spray tan from a stranger. Like, well this is intimate, you basically have a microscopic view of my pubic hair follicles. Enjoy.
14. Having to do a poo in public. Checking at least 3 times that the door is in fact locked and no stranger is going to burst in on you mid-push. Listening like a spy to work out if anyone else is even in the bathroom or whether you’re free to just go, go, go.
15. ‘How many units of alcohol do you consume a week?’
16. Buying leggings and not knowing if they’re going to do that thing where they show off your lacy neon pink thong to 7% of the UK population.
17. Seeing yourself in a photo or video that you didn’t know was being taken. MY BACK IS HOW WIDE? I’m cutting out cheese and pasta until at least tomorrow night because tomorrow is Friday.
18. Trying to explain to a beautician what kind of bikini wax you want without sounding like a confused 15-year-old. Or, even worse, explaining to the receptionist booking you in in front of a waiting room full of other ladies who definitely know the difference between a standard bikini and a Brazillian. THEY KNOW YOU NORMALLY DO A 97 SECOND SHAVE IN THE SHOWER, THE KNOW.
19. When your phone’s like YEAAAAAH GIRL, YOU GOT ALL THE 3G and then nothing loads. Fucking liar.
20. Having a sleepover with a guy for the first time and having no idea or control over what you’re going to do in the night. Am I going to let out that fart I’ve been holding in for the past five hours or nah?
21. Eye shadow that’s more than one shade darker than your actual skin tone. Like omg WHY DO I LOOK LIKE I’M RECOVERING FROM A NOSE JOB FFS?
22. Losing whoever you’ve popped to Tesco with because omg which half price tub of Ben & Jerry’s should you get? And then pacing up and down the centre aisle for three minutes and 17 seconds and WHAT IF THEY’VE LEFT WITHOUT YOU? Realising you’re basically still an abandoned 7-year-old deep down.
23. Scales. On a Monday morning. They’re definitely broken. Must be. Yup. Uh huh.
24. Waiting for your online banking account screen to load. Every damn time. Did I accidentally spend my entire available balance on Starbucks and trains again or nah?