Aside from y’know go on and on about how much they love autumn. Because why be happy with what we have, eh ladies? *inserts two bazillion and five laugh/cry faces*
1. Buys bikini. Loves bikini. Brings bikini home. Tries bikini on. OMG WHY DO THESE BIKINI BOTTOMS DIG IN SO TIGHT THEY CUT OFF MY CIRCULATION. I look like a sausage trying to go through a pencil sharpener, someone pass a girl some comfort carbs. Sob.
2. Spends approximately 473566 hours looking for a beach holiday. There’s gotta be a 5 star all-inclusive hotel with an infinity pool for less than £300 around here somewhere….
3. Instagrams an iced coffee in the sunshine, like bitches I be so fly and you knows it.
4. Starts wearing 7 rings, 5 bracelets, 3 necklaces, a toe ring and an anklet at all times, because holiday vibes and that.
5. Gets wildly confused over how quickly leg hair grows. BUT I SHAVED YOU LIKE 2 DAYS AGO, WINTER WOULD NEVER DO THIS TO ME.
6. Drives with sunglasses on, windows down and a bit of KISS blaring out because yeah you’re hot right now.
7. Gasps out loud by accident when a cluster of pre-teens strut past in denim shorts and there’s a bum cheek or 17 hanging out. Like, WHA? We weren’t this bad, were we? WERE WE?
8. Buys a smoothie maker because duh, you’re not even that hungry in the summer and you can just have green smoothies instead of breakfast. Uses twice, packs to back of cupboard, returns to peanut butter on toast.
9. Wonders why their feet feel as crispy as autumn leaves. Damn you sandals, making my feet feel like they could do terrible things to the wallpaper.
10. Wears a black cami every other day because omg they just go with everything <3
11. Goes for one nice, kinda long, summer run and then make sure they’ve mentioned it on every form of social media at least twice, because you LOVE exercise goddamnit and everyone needs to know.. If you lived in Australia and it was always this warm you’d definitely look a LOT like Miranda Kerr.
12. Then counteracted that one run with sofa time with your home boys Ben and Jerry. What? It’s hardly ever hot, you gotta get in ice cream now whilst you still can.
13. Fills up their entire camera roll with sunglasses selfies. Fuck, these make you look as hot as Shay Mitchell. Pretty much.
14. Buys a backless dress because omg can you imagine how sexy and perfect this will look on holiday? Freaks out about not wearing a bra. Ditches sexy backless dress for 2012 Primark dress with hole in armpit.
15. Goes for wine with pals. Sees wasps. Runs and stands with wine glass basically in the next county along. Don’t touch me.
16. Whips out the coral nail varnish about 6574835 times. Doesn’t it look just daydreamingly handsome when paired with a (fake) tan, eh?
17. Pops into a shop, strokes a few items of clothes just lingering there on the rails, then finds an OMG YES THIS t-shirt, runs up to it, plays with a bit, sees that it’s cropped, walks away feeling saddened by the fashion industry. Why you no make clothes long enough to cover my belly button, why?
18. Spends £185.75 on sunglasses. Partly because you keep drunkenly leaving them on pub garden tables and also because you keep mentally wanking over every pair you see on Instagram.
19. Buys hair accessories – flower garlands, hair scarves, headbands – wears one, once, two years later to a fancy dress party.
20. Takes photos of fresh flowers for Instagram because ain’t nobody seen that before.
21. Goes on a picnic, splashes out £24.57 on Marks & Spencer ‘bits’. Gets cold and bored after half an hour. Shall we just got home and whack on a film?
22. Buys ALL the cocktails because it’s summer and YOLO and happiness and life <3 Fuck, has my rent come out of account early, what’s wrong with my available balance? OMG OMG OMG.
23. Flicks, like an actual convicted stalker, through every summer holiday album that appears on Facebook. I haven’t seen you since 2009, but I MUST know what you look like in a bikini.
OH US GUYS.