Guys, guys, it’s been nearly a year.
A year since my Leytonstone flat flooded and my landlady kinda forced me out and Chris suggested Rudey and I came to stay in Ipswich for a bit.
And well, we’re still here.
(I don’t think we’re leaving).
Anyway, here are the things I wish I’d known before. Lolz.
1. Pants and socks will just congregate at the bottom of the duvet like they’re all hanging out and having a little party. You’ll only find them when you go to wash the duvet covers. HOW IS THERE THIS MANY DOWN HERE?
2. Boys never muster up *quite* enough enthusiasm for your H&M home haul. Not ever. Even if it’s so flippin’ damn good that your heart might burst with love and affection for everything marble and copper you now own.
3. You will get a bit fat. Soz. Mostly because there’s somebody aside the voices in your head suggesting you get Two for Tuesdays after a long, cold, rainy day of work.
4. You’ll whack on MTV, OMG IT’S AN EPISODE OF CATFISH I HAVEN’T SEEN YET, and nip off to the loo. You’ll come back and suddenly the entire sofa will be taken up by some ogre settling down to watch Sky Sports News. Erm?
5. Tampons and periods will always be treated as a terrifying and gross disease that should be kept secret.
6. Double beds are simply not big enough for two people. Nuh uh. How are you supposed to starfish across cold bed sheets, eh?
7. Boys spend a lot of time on their phones playing games. Turns out it’s not just for Instagram, who knew?
8. Some weird mothering/looking after instinct that you never even knew existed will kick in and you’ll find yourself ironing his shirts whilst watching One Born Every Minute on catch-up. You’ll wonder what happened to you. You used to be cool, FFS.
9. Nothing in your wardrobe will get as much wear as the £7 Primark trackie bottoms with a hole in, nope.
10. Your conversations will mostly revolve around random cars parked in the street, the increase in your water bill and recycling. You hope no-one finds out how boring you’ve become.
11. Boys will never be as happy and enthusiastic about taking nice outfit photos for your Instagram as your gal pals would be. In fact, it’ll *almost* look like they’ve gone out of their way to take shit pics. Hmmm.
12. You’ll end up staying in and ordering takeout from Just Eat and drinking the leftover ciders that have been rotting away in the Fridge for several months way more often than you’ll galavant out for romantic date nights.
13. People over the aged of 40 will delight in making comments at you both along the lines of ‘you’ll be next’ and ‘suits you’ every time you so much as flicker your eyes towards a baby or watch Don’t Tell The Bride.
14. There is always just a pile of unknown clothes loitering in the bedroom. Do they need washing? Are they pyjamas? Gym clothes? WHO ARE YOU AND WHERE IS YOUR HOME?
15. The theme tune to your life will just become a constant stream of farting.
16. You will dedicate 62% of every evening trying to find something good to watch on TV that you both like. Why is there not enough gender neutral boxsets on Netflix, for Pete’s sake?
17. There will be sports bottles everywhere. Water bottles. Plastic bottles of every variation.
18. Sleeping on your own in bed will make you feel a bit lonely and scared and you’ll be like WHAT’S HAPPENED TO THAT STRONG, INDEPENDENT WOMAN I USED TO KNOW?
19. You no longer do that thing where you eat a family size chocolate bar to yourself along with a bag of Haribo and another of Doritos. Mostly because there’s someone besides yourself to witness it, and secondly because you have to share EVERYTHING. Dullsville.
20. They won’t do that thing that men do in TV adverts where they pretend to leap out of bed and buy fresh lattes in the rain for you from the coffee shop a few roads away. There’s no coffee for you. Make your own.
21. You will always run out of loo roll, bin bags and fabric conditioner. This definitely didn’t happen when you lived on your own.
22. You will ALWAYS be the bedsheet changer, every damn time.
23. Your heels will gather dust and probably play home to a handsome little family of spiders. The same with your wide selection of going out-out dresses from Topshop and Asos that you definitely couldn’t reaaaaaally afford when you bought.
24. Every now and then (usually after two hearty glasses of wine) you’ll get waves of emotion because OMG YOU LIVE WITH A BOY. You made it. You did this. Someone loves you back. You’re an actual grown-up. Who knew this was a thing. It feels kinda good <3