I Can’t Believe That This Is My Life

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I forget to feel grateful all the damn time. And when I say all the damn time, I mean about 92% of every single little day.

I forget to feel happy, to feel excited, to feel proud, to look back on how far I’ve come, to feel lucky, to feel overwhelmed with how life is turning out – and I’m sure I’m not the only one.

I cried for two days, on and off, when I posted my last ‘negative’ post. The tough love was a little bit hard to handle at moments. Some comments were understandable – the ones where people told me they used to love my blog, but couldn’t deal with the negative undertones – those were the ones I accepted, the ones I had to professionally take on board and think about when planning content and posts and the way I write. Some were, let’s be honest, a little aggressive and rude, and for want of a better word – they were, well, boardering on bullying.

But, and it pains me a little to say this – the wave of shock that hit me from people telling me to pull it together, made me, well, pull it together.

I’m human, I cry. I feel like life could be better, I could be better, but I’ve noticed myself making an effort to feel as lucky as I am. So maybe those of you who opted for the tough love route did have an impact on me.

I don’t condone leaving those sort of faceless messages to someone you’ve never met, because I’m not big on the whole tough love thing myself – I think there’s ways of saying things without reducing the other person to a slobbering mess in bed with a chocolate smudge on their chin and two day mascara dribbles round their eyes. There’s a way to be kind, whilst still putting a point across.

And I will never understand name-calling and weight-related attacks. Ever. Unless you’re 5-years-old and then go ahead, you’re five, you don’t know any better.

But I am feeling more uplifted than I’ve felt in ages. Maybe it’s because the sun is shining more and I love it when the sun is shining, it fills me with so much motivation to get on with life and absolutely nail it. Maybe it’s because we’ve just had the general elections, and there’s always something a little bit exciting in the air when there’s this possibility of change and new-ness. Maybe it’s because I’ve got a lot of exciting things to look forward to and have had an incredibly jam-packed few weeks – one of my best friends coming to stay for a night of cider, nachos, Monopoly and N64, my brother’s wedding weekend up north with my entire family, Egypt, Trek America, New York, Chris’s birthday. Maybe it was watching The C Word and sobbing the whole way through as I realised that life is too fucking short. Or maybe it is because the tough love approach actually worked. Maybe it’s a combination of all of the above.

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But I’m happy. So so happy. So happy that sometimes (when I’m on my period mostly, because duh) I do that thing where I’m typing away and watching my candle flickering peacefully, glancing at the fresh flowers and postcards on my desk, and the neat little calender of blogging events and scheduled posts, and I start to feel ALL the emotions rise into my face and it takes my breath away and makes me well up.

I am so effing lucky. So, so lucky.

I get to do what I want for a living. I get to live in an actual house with A SPARE BEDROOM with my boyfriend. I have enough money for occasional ASOS orders and Essie nail varnish and raw king prawns (and I so, so wanted to be able to buy them when I was at uni and could NEVER warrant it, bless). I get to travel the world as part of work. I get to go to the gym when it’s not crammed with 9-5ers. I get to be my own editor.

I GET TO STAY IN BED TIL 8AM AND I HAVE NO COMMUTE.

OK, now I’m sounding like I’m seriously boasting, like hey guys, look how easy and dreamy my life is. Lolz. And that wasn’t ever the point of this post.

I don’t mean it to sound like that because there are still things I’d change. I still have personal battles that effect me and my emotions every single days. Things that I’ve spent so long wishing were different, things that I’m slowly learning to accept.

But there are also so many things – big things like feeling like I have a home that I am 100% myself in, and having Chris and Rudey, to little things like my iMac and my eyebrow pencil (for realz) that I sometimes forget how fortunate I am to have.

I find it so easy to forget the struggle and the long, long journey that it took for me to get to where I am. I forget to take a deep breath and say GURRRRL, you did good. Smile. Be happy. Be appreciative. Remember the hard times as motivation to keep on pushing forward and being the best person you can be.

People believe that a lot of full-time bloggers have always had everything handed to them. That they don’t know the sheer hell of hating a job, of four-hour round commutes to work, of being so financially poor that their card gets declined in ASDA after you’ve already bagged up your budget groceries. But most of us do, most of us were that person before we became the glittery people on the internet.

We get it. Our lives look aspirational and as such we should be honoured and grateful of everything we have. And that’s so right, we should. We totally should. It’s just sometimes, well sometimes we forget.

When YouTube just won’t upload that damn thumbnail, or someone’s told you you look like a fat bloated sausage, or a brand’s badgering you for links – you forget all the way tougher stuff you had to handle way back when. You forget that your silly little problems would have seemed like a walk in the park to old you – the way they do to other people who don’t do what you do.

Your forget that the tribulations you face every day are tiny in comparison to real problems. But it doesn’t make them any less painful or difficult to handle – they’re still there.

I’m doing that thing where I’m getting to the end of this post and I’ve forgotten what point I was trying to make. But basically, we’re all guilty of forgetting to appreciate our lives, of the things we do have, the things we have achieved and the things that have got better.

Because everything in my life is better than it has ever been – my relationships with my family, my health, my home and my work satisfaction, and I’m so sorry if anyone ever felt I was taking all I have for granted.

I can’t believe that this is my life. It is surreal, and I just wish more than anything that the old me, the teenage me, the lost me, the me who lived out of her car, I just wish that she could see how much better it gets if you just believe in yourself.

Life is not as amazing as you make it, life is as amazing as you believe it is.


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