The inspiration for this post? Years and years of gossiping over wine. True story.
1. Order pizza on a whim and then suddenly spiral into an endless hole of financial worry. I’M SO SHIT WITH MONEY, OMGZZZ WHAT IF I CAN’T PAY MY PHONE BILL. This is it, I definitely won’t be able to pay my phone bill. Maybe I should stay awake all night and worry about said phone bill.
2. Try and smell their armpit in public without anyone noticing. For flip’s sake, I DEFINITELY put on deodrant this morning, why do I smell like the weird BO guy at work? I wonder if everyone else can smell me. Oh great, everyone at work has definitely smelt me and dicussed my ‘smell’ whilst they make tea. FFS.
3. Skip back on to KISS/Capital whenever the Radio One presenters start talking. I turned on the radio because I wanted to sing to Taylor Swift at the top of my voice, not because I wanted to hear you guys discuss whatever you did last night. Come on, pull it together.
4. Feel a tiny beat of sadness in your heart when they see their period. But what? I don’t even WANT a baby? Man the fuck up, emotions. We had an agreement here.
5. Google ways to download the original Sims or Rollercoaster Tycoon or anything in a similar ballpark. Just cos.
6. Only have a teeny tiny clue what the date is because of their iPhone. Like seriously, it’s so much harder when you don’t have to write it in the corner of your exercise book five times a day.
7. Only fake tan their limbs and face. It’s expensive alright and it’s not like anyone’s gonna see my back anyway, right?
8. Watch more MTV re-runs of TV gold like Ex On The Beach, 16 & Pregnant and Catfish than any of the hard hitting stuff the rest of Twitter is nattering on about.
9. Get overwhelming fear and anxiety when they need a poo in public. WHAT IF SOMEONE HEARS ME AND KNOWS THAT I POO. People can’t know that I poo.
10. Ignore all the blankets they’ve ever bought and stashed next to the sofa for ‘cosy nights in’ and drag their huge duvet down the stairs instead. Gurl gotta be comfy.
11. See someone has uploaded a holiday album to Facebook and immediately scan through all photos to find the bikini snap. Must see what other girls look like in bikinis because. Wait, why am I doing this?
12. Read texts and emails in the worst possible way and assuming people are being mean to them and typing out a mega angry reply. Then stepping away, making tea and deleting said original message, because, well, you’re being a bit of a C word.
13. Ruin good pants every damn month because HOW ARE YOU ON YOUR PERIOD ALREADY FFS. Maybe one day you’ll stop feeling like a 13 year old child.
14. Try really damn bloody hard to deal with pubic hair itch without people seeing. It’s one of life’s hardest dilemmas, honestly. Do you go to the toilet and risk people thinking you’ve got a bad belly? Or just try and scratch it out when you *think* no-one’s watching.
15. Own 724572645 different lip sticks and nail varnishes. Going back to the same three shades every damn time. Lookin at you Mint Candy Apple.
16. Decide to have a £350 budget for a beach holiday. No more, you’re broke. Handing over 600 sweet British pounds because OMG THE PLACE YOU FOUND ONLINE HAS AN INFINITY POOL AND A SWIM-UP BAR.
17. Wash their make-up brushes only when they get a spontaneous outbreak of acne across their face. Oh, I’m supposed to do this weekly? Ain’t nobody got time for that.
18. Decide to just have the teeniest tiniest look at the baby section whilst you’re already in H&M or Zara. I mean, you totally have your second cousin, twice removed’s baby due soon and maybe you should buy something. Right, right?
19. Inspect people’s eyebrows in photos on social media and make a judgement about whether or not you like them on that alone.
20. Have an entire phone camera roll made up of screen grabs. Screen grabs of wedding inspo. Screen grabs of body inspo (looking at you Shay Mitchell). But mostly screen grabs of other people’s tweets and Facebook statuses ready to send on to your pals. You’re such a damn nosey bitch.
21. Never buying junk food as part of the weekly shop because they need a balanced diet and that. Then having a midweek crisis and buying every beige coloured item in the local corner shop. Life.
22. Pose with their hand on their hip to automatically disguise a love handle. Lolz.
23. Prefer a classic McDonald’s double cheeseburger over any of the £1o ones from fancy places. Why ruin something already so perfect?
24. Spying the tiniest chip on their nails and then being like THEY’RE RUINED and peeling and picking the rest of it off. Then blaming the nail varnish brand because obvs.
25. Spending an entire evening refreshing every social media app every 7 seconds and then getting into bed into a huff because ‘nothing’ is wrong. Ah huh.
We’re such funny little creatures.