This is the third installment of this little franchise. I feel like maybe I’d like to continue for a full year and then totally trash those little weasels. Maybe toast with some Prosecco whilst burning every last page. Because they are the old me, the damaged me, the pained me, the me that desperately wanted to get to the place in life that I’m at now, and I feel like holding onto her isn’t good for me. I feel like she’s an aggressive growth on my neck that just needs lopping off. I don’t need her, and I certainly don’t need reminding of more painful times.
We’re like that, us girls, aren’t we? We like sentimental things, we like to look back at old us. I just spent a good half an hour trying to hunt out my Bebo and Myspace profiles (both social media sites have desperately re-designed everything and deleted all old profiles and content in a bid to re-brand themselves and become cool again – just give up guys) because I wanted to reminisce, look back at who I used to be. But why? What does old me have that now me doesn’t? Aside from y’know thights that fit in size 10 jeans?
I wouldn’t say I was entirely at peace with my past, but I do feel like keeping these diaries means that I am holding onto it rather than letting it go and focusing entirely on the present me, the present me who has everything going in the right direction.
29th April, 2003
What a great day I’ve had! Not! My brother stole my diary and bbrought it to school. Of course it got read by all the boys including Justin, Lewis, Craig and Alan and they’ve all been taking the piss out of me. Everybody knws. I hate my brother, he should die. Hahahahaha, I’m just evil.
13th April, 2004
Got a few days left in Poland and as usual I’m feeling like crap. Want to have a reassuring hug from one of my friends to help me figure out where to go with my life. It can’t carry on this way, with everyone having problems with each other. We deserve the right to be permenantly loved by a parent as well as grandparents, it’s not fair on us. I need to talk to Mrs Jackson, she’s the one person who’ll listen to me. Well, and Emily. I love all my friends more than I think they realise. They’re everything, my whole life, without them I’d be nothing.
28th April, 2004
Fat and ugly, that’s what I am. I can’t stand the idea of bikini shopping tomorrow. I’m so fat. No wonder I haven’t had a boyfriend in 10 months, look at me. Emily’s with James, Hattie’s with Matt, Tyler’s with James, I can’t get anyone. I need hugs, I’m so upset and I hate it. I bet half the people I thought were my friends hate me, I wouldn’t blame them. All my friends are so pretty, makes me feel like nothing.
3rd April, 2005
I was thinking about how the past month has been and I realised just how happy and jam-packed it’s been. Some of the best bits being Tyler’s birthday, having a boyfriend, Duke of Edinburgh, Portugal, Lucy and Alice’s birthday sleepover and Nick’s party. Let’s see if this month can be just as good. School’s not too bad but it’s going to be SO boring when the year 11s leave.
16th April, 2006
I have so little motivation. I can’t be bothered with keeping this diary and sometimes I can’t be bothered to do a lot of things. Guess and I’m stressed and not all that happy. I’ve hardly lost any weight this week, not too impressed to be honest. I watched the fashion show DVD yesterday, I was the spitting image of an oompa loompa. I had an amazing meal at Tilly’s and it made me SOOOO hyped up from all the e-numbers.
28th April, 2009
Hey! I bought Taylor Swift’s new album and I’m listening to it whilst looking around my room at my favourite photographs. I feel like none of it ever happened. I feel like I am a made up person sometimes. Like I invented my life and all my memories are pretend. ‘Marry Me Juliet, You”ll Never Have To Be Alone. I Love You And That’s All I Really Know’. I’m still dreaming about when I am so deeply in love with someone who loves me back and those lyrics make sense and fit my life.
25th April, 2010
I’m going to take a trip down memory lane. I’ve realised that in summer 2008 I felt so confident and in control, even when I wasn’t. I just felt so close and safe with my friends and so independent with my money and car. Then I went to uni and I literally fell apart. Even after everything, this was the time I felt most alone and scared. I hated being away from the people I loved most. Despite feeling like I had grown stronger, it all really tested me and I definitely crumbled. Time really does heal everything. Well, not heal, but make you get used to the change. And I did grow, I grew into more of the person I’d always wanted to be. I’ve grown to like being single and enjoy my own company and make new friends that I like as much as my old friends. I’ve also learnt to try again, and to keep going. But I am scared of trusting people and taking risks, because I don’t like change and I don’t like disappointment.
29th April, 2013
2013 is shaping up to be quite the year. It’s like constantly bouncing between work madness and holidays. I like it a lot of the time, but sometimes it gets too much. Life is such a turbulent adventure that you never know what’s going to happen next and I love that. Watch this space, big things are about to happen.
21st April, 2014
I am very lonely, so lonely. I have no family I can open up completely to and have become so distracted from my friends. I feel like I’m losing them and it’s all my fault. I miss them everyday and life on my own with Rudey is not enough for me. I need comfort and family and friends, I need support and people to rely on. My life has become about my job, but no-one is here, in London. I’m on my own and living a fraction of the life I used to live. I’m latching onto things hoping they will make me happy and they’re not. I’m darting between jobs and making rash decisions because I’m desperate for contentment but have no idea how to find it.
23rd April, 2014
Things I am passionate about – my blog, Rudey, Chris, my friends, family, good food, red wine, home.