Do you ever feel really defeated by the future? Like, scared and overwhelmed by the struggles you’re yet to even know anything about?
I feel like I’m having that sort of day. It’s a weird feeling, made about 73265 times worse by the fact I’ve spent most of today throwing back pink and blue fizzy bottles, cherries and mushrooms from a striped pick ‘n’ mix bag. Sugar come downs don’t go hand in hand with most people, but they seriously make me feel like shit.
Not only am I groggy and sleepy and miserable, but I’m shaky and jittery and can’t tell if I feel faint or not – it’s all part of these ongoing investigations about my sugar levels and cortisol and hormones and BLAH BLAH BLAH.
You know in the Sex And The City film where Charlotte and Carrie are shopping for Carrie’s new desk after her split from Mr Big and Charlotte’s all in a weird, sad mood because everything’s so right and she’s just convinced that something bad has to happen to her? I guess I feel a bit like that.
Things are good. I’m healthy, I’m happy, I have no huge fears hanging over my head, and yet I’m suffocated by life, and the prospect of new problems.
I’m scared of OH MY GOD WHAT IF I CAN’T HAVE CHILDREN, WHAT IF ALL MY FRIENDS HAVE CHILDREN BEFORE ME, WHAT IF CHRIS NEVER WANTS TO MARRY ME, WHAT IF ONE OF MY CHILDREN DIE, WHAT IF I DIE, WHAT IF CHRIS DIES.
What if things don’t go the way I’ve planned them to go? What if, and fucking hell this is scary, what if I lose control?
Control is what keeps me sane. Mentally preparing myself for situations keeps me in a good place, emotionally. I feel like I’ve spent so much of my life fighting for sanity, fighting for happiness, that I’m not quite sure I have the energy for anymore battles. I am daunted by the prospect of these battles – these entirely hypothetical battles. Because nobody can go from 25 until their seventies or eighties or nineties or whatever and not come up against some seriously fucking hard times, but I’m terrified of them. I’m terrified of what the life lottery will deal me. Who I’m going to have to lose, what my health is going to have to struggle with, how much heartache I’ll have to go through.
If I sometimes struggle to get out of bed when life is good, when life is stable and easy and care-free and stress-free – how am I going to handle life when things hit rock bottom? When things get really, really shit?
You’re probably all reading this thinking I’m in a bad place right now – honestly I’m not. I’m a bit tired after three days in London, and a bit in a flap about balancing my workload over the next few weeks, but i’m having a day where I can’t even look at my to-do list. I can’t bring myself to write about anything I’ve got planned for the next few days – hence why I’m writing this spontaneous, mega down in the dumps post instead.
I want to eat easter eggs and maybe stick on Harry Potter and maybe screw up my face in a bid to make myself cry. I want to cry, I want to get all my doubts and insecurities and fears out of my body in one big, slightly traumatising sobbing session. But I don’t need to cry, there’s no lump in my throat or watery eyes, I can’t force it. FFS.
One of my biggest life anxieties is that I’m not winning. That I’m not coming first, beating everyone else, doing everything first. I always want to be the best. You might have noticed it with my blogging and the way I’m always comparing myself to EVERY OTHER BLOGGER, because I want to succeed, but it’s not just in the workplace, it’s in general life too.
I want babies first and to get married first and to travel the world first and to know about everything first and to have discovered everything first. I am Hannah and I have to be first.
This isn’t something that was obvious about me growing up. I was clever, sure, in fact I had a seriously impressive IQ as a kid. Remember in year 7 when you have to do those CATs test which determine which sets you go in to and help towards GCSE predictions? Oh, and then some other tests you might have done at the beginning of college to oredict your A-Level results? I nailed both of them. I had one of the highest CATs scores out of everyone in my year – I even had to go to some stupid clever-students meeting once a month and I HATED it.
But I wasn’t rushing to be the best back then, I sacrificed putting in 110% at school so that people would like me. I thought being popular, being adored, being liked by people – both boys and girls – was way more interesting and important than being the most clever.
I didn’t get a boyfriend first or lose my virginity first. I didn’t pass my driving test first or go on a grown-up holiday first. I was just in the middle.
But it hit me just after uni, it hit me when I got my first graduate job and it’s been posessing me ever since – this overwhelming need for success in every area of my life. Because in my head life is a race and I have to be the winner.
And so today I am swamped with the realisation that I can’t win everything, and heck, I’m probably going to lose at a few things too. But I feel more than intimidated by that, and the painful knowing that I’m not going to be able to choose what I lose at, or even see it coming.
I WANT TO START MENTALLY PREPARING NOW AND I CAN’T, WOE IS ME.
Life’s a bit scary, innit?