Because yeah, I’m feeling pretty damn sussed and all that now, but wouldn’t it have been bloody damn nice to have been a less all-over-the-place teenager and early ttwenty-something? Like, one that’s all graceful and together and smiley and delightful?
1. It’s better to feel a bit ‘too sober’ on a night out then live with the anxiety and dread of having no fucking idea what happened between 9pm and 3am.
2. Long-sleeved smock dresses are the comfortable and flattering answer to all body security woes. They work for dates, picnics, weddings and lunches AND look just as sassy with tights and ankle boots as with bare legs and sandals. So many wins.
3. Blonde packet hair dyes do NOT work well on anyone. Unless you were looking for yellow hair, and then yeah, they’re the dream.
4. No matter what anyone tells you, your relationships, family and friendships are the most important things in the world. Not your career, your qualifications or money. Pick people over successes that look good on paper every single time.
5. There is never a situation that isn’t bettered by the offer of tea. Be that person, people like that person, people are forever grateful for that person.
6. Everyone suits lipstick. When was the last time you looked at a stranger and thought ‘FUUUUCK, that lipstick looks awful on her?’ Never, right? Be confident and just go with it because lipstick is so flipping sassy.
7. If you ever enter into a ‘maybe we shouldn’t be together’ argument with a partner, chances are you shouldn’t be together. Stop dragging it out.
8. Any nail varnish that requires more than two coats WILL smudge when you attempt to do it at home. That, or become stupidly easy and tempting to peel off.
9. There is a massive difference between being skinny and being toned. The first one isn’t necessarily healthy and isn’t a shape that all women can achieve and you have genes to thank for that one.
10. Thick waist belts worn directly under your boobs look good on no-one, ever.
11. Alcohol and dehydration are worse for your skin than sleeping in your make-up. Probably. Having good skin is as much about what you put in your body as it is about what you put on your face.
12. Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about, so play nice.
13. Giving blood is one of the easiest and nicest ways to help other people. Plus, it’s a great excuse to eat guilt-free chocolate. Your body needs it.
14. Eyebrow pencils are about a zillion times better at making your eyebrows look on point compared to dotting brown eye shadow in them with a cotton bud, stop being cheap.
15. Marks & Spencer underwear is pretty much the best underwear in the entire world and the bras fit in a way which doesn’t make your nipple come flying out the minute you walk down stairs.
16. If a boy likes you then the whole relationship/seeing each other thing will feel easy. If he doesn’t then you’ll feel so confused that you’ll need to discuss him with at least 7 different people just so that one of them will be like YEAH, HE’S ACTING THAT WAY BECAUSE HE LOVES YOU AND WANTS YOUR BABIES.
17. Contrary to what TV tells you, women do not go to bed in slinky satin negligees every night, nor do they wear matching lace underwear sets every day.
18. Money spent on candles, flowers and chocolate is never money wasted. Neither is money spent on other people.
19. A side fringe is the worst mistake a girl with fine hair can ever make.
20. ASOS’s clearance section is all kinds of dreamy for filling that shopping spree craving without spending ALL the money. It’s basically a Boxing Day sale that’s on all year.
21. Sweaty nightclub dancing WILL make your eyelashes start to come loose and you WILL look like an idiot in the social media uploads the next day. Leave them at home.
22. Your overdraft is not real money. At some point before you die you will have to pay that shit back.
23. Peppermint tea takes the edge off every hangover. Especially those FUCK IT’S 8AM ON A THURSDAY AND I HAVE WORK hangovers.
24. Always find money for holidays. They will, without a doubt, be some of the most incredible times of your life and are worth a bazillion times more than new scatter cushions and trinket trays (soz, my beloveds).
25. AND, if you’re going to insist on buying new shoes every other week, make them flats. You only wear heels for like three hours a week, they’re just not worth it, silly. Uh uh.