I enjoyed doing this last month. I enjoyed reading through my old diaries and sharing bits with you, and I think you guys liked it too. So I’m doing it again.
(February excerpts are here if you missed it).
I think if I was to sit and read through them all, back to back, it’d leave me feeling pretty emotional and all over the place. I think I’d end up back in bed feeling a bit sorry for myself, feeling less sparkly and productive than I do right now in this moment. i’d probably put on a Harry Potter film and cry every time Dumbledore spoke and I’d have to eat smiley faces and spaghetti hoops for lunch and everything would go a little downhill. And so, diving straight into a month at a time is a nice way for me to relfect back, to learn about my past self, without being sucked into the emotional turmoil of it all.
I HOPE FORMER HANNAH IS INTERESTING, ENJOY.
31st March, 2003
Lucky me I got dumped already. Didn’t speak to him all day even though we had first lesson together. How great. I still think I fancy him. Apparently I was boring because I didn’t talk to him. Well, that’s his fault, he should have talked to me. It was really obvious he was going to dump me. I’ll get over him I suppose. I GOT DUMPED. I had to say it again, oh poor me. Luv Hannah x.
23rd March, 2004
I’ve got a headache and I swear I’m too stressed out at the moment. Poland should be relaxing. My mum is still drunk way more than usual but I don’t see what’s so wrong with her. I’m getting dumber and all my teachers have been having a go at me. I’m losing all my stuff, I’m so forgetful these days. Boy life isn’t much better, it’s so crap, i’m friends with loads of guys but never anything more, it sucks. Skiing will be way fun as well but it’s agaes away. I don’t really know what I’ve got to look forward to in my life, it’s so completely boring and sad.
30th March, 2004
Been staying at my nan’s for the last two nights, don’t really like being at home. I’ve hurt my finger but I don’t think it’s broken but it’s a really yucky colour. In maths I couldn’t write so Miss had to do all my writing for me in my test. Lol.
4th March, 2005
I’m in a weird mood where I’m constantly changing from an amazing mood (most of the time), to a bad mood where I think the worst of everything. I dunno who I fancy, well I do, but I’m not writing it in here. I’m really looking forward to Portugal and the Fashion Show. I’m bored and I don’t know what to weite, so it’ll probably be just general crap. One of my friends found out I’d been slagging her off – which time she meant I’ll never know. Tyler’s birthday next weekend which should be fun. A nice evening of getting wrecked and not getting with anyone.
9th March, 2006
You know what? I don’t care that I keep forgetting to write in here. I’m the one that’ll probably forget my past and that’s probably what I want anyway. I have 40 days of school left, that’s insane. I feel ill, what a suprise. I’m permanently tired and dying, I’m sure it’s all that imaginary work I’ve been doing. Also, apparently I play poker now? Uh huh and I’m not even rubbish, nope.
4th March, 2009
I am the girl that sometimes thought she would never make it this far. The girl that thought she could never exist without a boy. I am the girl that managed to break someone else’s heart instead of the other way round. I am the girl that learnt she was better off without. The girl that really did grow stronger every day, that became more of the person she wanted to be as time went on. I am the girl who has the best friends she will ever know, the girl that would drop everything to make them smile. I am the girl who has learnt to help others, in the hope they will do the same for me. I am the girl who knows nothing will ever be perfect, so to accept them as they are. I am the girl whi is excited for the future but lives in the moment. The girl that loses friendships but strives to make them again. I am the girl that must be independent, the girl who can’t wait to fall in love again, the girl that will smile when all her dreams come true. I am everything I will ever be.
17th March, 2009
GUESS WHO’S 20 IN SIX MONTHS? FUCK, FUCK, FUCK. Basically an adult, real bad times.
18th March, 2010
I want my brain to quite literally fuck off, I want food to fuck off too. In fact, I need several weeks in the sunshine alone with nothing but music. I just feel like I’m not entirely sure what’s going on with me at the moment. My eating issues have become pretty erratic and I’ve suddenly developed these massive trust issues and I don’t want to spend all my time with my friends from home. Like, WHAT? If this is some sort of horrific growing up thing then I’m not a fan. I liked trusting everyone in the world too easily, OK that’s a lie, but it’s easier than feeling like overnight someone built a great big brick wall infront of me.
24th March, 2013
Oh hi diary, we’re in London now. Life has become one gigantic party complete with absurd amounts of alcohol. It terrifies me slightly, what with my bloody addictive personality. FML I want to write more but my pen is too slippery because of my hand cream. Ahhhh.
16th March, 2014
Things feel good. I am happy. I am optomistic and excited. I am learning how to enjoy my own company for the first time in my life. Getting Rudey was so good for me. It’s taught me to think about someone else and she’s stopped me making the sort of rash decisions that used to lead me to self-wallowing. No more late nights, no last minute trips. It’s been so good for me. And Chris has been so good for me too. He makes me a better person and I love that, everything is so easy with him. 2014 is going to lead to amazing things <3