One of my old school friends suggested this would be a good thing to post on my blog, so here it is. LOL.
My teenage diaries have been sitting getting mouldier and damper by the day in my Dad’s garage for far too long. I used to write in them a few days a week from when I was in year 7 until about year 10, and then they became a lot less regular. They’re a hoot. A real bloody hoot.
OK, so about 97 per cent of them are just about boys I fancied and whether or not I’d spoken to them that day – a personal life highlight was when my brother stole said diaries and took them to school to show said boys I fancied, so that was nice. But there’s also some other stuff in them, sort of. They make my insides cringe quite a large amount and I’m mortified that I’m even posting these online, and I’ve had to ommitt a few sentences here and there so that I don’t have boys I haven’t spoken to in a decade messaging me on Facebook, but other than that, here’s a glimpse into the teenage version of Hannah Gale.
I’ve picked 5 excerpts all as close to today’s date as possible but from, y’know, different years. From back in the early noughties when life was all MSN and Barcardi Breezers and wearing trainers with flames on.
(Update: I got carried away and added in some extra excerpts from more recent diaries I’ve stumbled upon.)
4th February, 2003
I puked five times today, how minging. In the morning I felt sick and puked up loads of orange stuff, then we got the bus to the shoe shop. Emma bought me some water because I felt sick again and just as we walked into the shop I had to run back into the street to be sick – it was watery with paella in. I bought some cute denim kitten heels with diamantes on. Then I drank loads of orange juice and puked it up in a carrier bag by the pool and then puked again in the loo when I got back to the apartment. OK, now I’ve grossed myself out. Bye.
17th February, 2003
Spent the whole day in my pyjamas. I played The Sims and created the Beckhams. Yesterday I got a text from one of my friends saying that I was going to be left out when we go back to school – great friends I have. I’ve been pranked four times today by the same number, I need to check my phone book and see who it is. Anyway, gotta go.
23rd February, 2004
My name on MSN says it all ‘ I hate the feeling in the pit of my stomach that I’ve lost a friend forever’. I can’t speak to him anymore, I’ve got no confidence, I suppose i’m just scared he’ll throw it back in my face. The doctor thinks I have asthma. Matt said a really useful thing to me yesterday, he said: ‘I’m not being funny, but you and I both know you’re not the most popular girl in school so when someone likes you everyone goes HAHA you fancy Hannah, but not in a mean way, and your first response is just to deny it. We all like you as a mate, but he definitely likes you more than a mate.’
1st March, 2004
I’m going to be sick. I feel like I’ve lost my whole world. My friends all hate me, actually everyone does, even the people I thought didn’t. I really have no reason to live, the only thing that kept me going has gone. I’m so depressed, why can’t people realise that? It scares me when I’m just crying and hating myself. Everyone wants me to change into some quiet, boring person who dresses the same as everyone else. Nothing anyone is saying is making me feel any better, I can’t feel any better, it’s impossible. I’m down, down, down. Why can’t people just like me for who I am? I suppose I just have more bad points than everyone else and if that’s the way it’s going to be then I don’t know what I’m going to do, it’s too hard to sort out.
8th February, 2005
Dan (who?) deleted me again, just because I wouldn’t flash for him and his pervy mates. Some people are really so pathetic, I thought he was my friend. Whay am I always crying? Not at school, I got over doing that months ago, it’s not like anyone notices things like that anyway. I spend a lot of time upset whilst I’m alone at home, so many little things get to me. I’m confused about everything right now. Don’t know what I want or who I like or anything. I don’t even know how to feel.
16th February, 2005
I’m so happy these days. Skiing made me realise a lot about myself and everyone. It’s making me want to stay fit and that boosts my self-esteem. It made me better friends with everyone I went with. I’ve given myself a lot of faith that everything will be fine in the end. Maybe I’m just growing out of a stage, but I go to sleep smiling instead of crying. In fact, I haven’t cried in nearly two weeks, I see that as something to be very proud of. Another amazing thing is that I’m pretty much fine being single, I’d rather be picky instead of getting with anyone. The only drawback is the person I do sort of fancy, but I’m not planning on telling anyone, so it’s all gravy.
9th February, 2006
I’m such a loser at the moment, I cry all the time. OK, well not all the time, just every evening I spend alone. I’m not very happy really, I hate teenageness. I have so little motivation, I can’t be bothered with keeping this dary and sometimes I can’t be bothered with a lot of things. Got back from Poland today and all I’ve done is feel upset and cried. I have exams and bulimia and an alcoholic mother. Bit of a mess, life makes me upset and angry, but it also makes me excited and determined for the future.
21st January, 2009
I’m ready to move on but nobody seems to want me. Some days I just want to scream that life is unfair. But that would be stupid, so I don’t. Then I want someone to hold me and tell me everything will work out OK in the end, because sometimes I don’t believe it will.
18th February, 2009
I’m rather excited for the future. I have a lot of plans and aspirations. I’ll fulfill them. Everything is OK and I’m content at the way things are. I have good friends and I’m glad I’ll always have them. The same way I’m glad I’ll always have certain family members like my brothers and grandparents. I like to think that I’m becoming a better person and that my presence can make people happy. That my actions can make people’s lives easier and maybe more enjoyable. It’s the idea of making the people I love the most happy that makes me happy. I think and I believe that the act of selfless behaviour is really what leads to inner happiness because nothing can beat the happiness of those closest to me.
27th January, 2010
At some point I’m going to stop just being someone’s friend. I hope. Maybe I’ll be the person that makes someone else smile when I text them. I’ll be the girl that someone misses more than anything and wished they could be with me every minute of every day. Ooh, my hair is really soft right now, I am a major fan. I left my conditioner in a bit longer, will definitely do that again.
4th March, 2013
It’ll come as no surprise to note that life is moving at an alarming speed. I head to New York in two and a half weeks, London in three and a half. So much change, I can’t pretend it doesn’t fill me with as much anxiety and fear as it does excitement. I confuse myself more than anyone else. I’m happiest when I feel safe and secure, yet I purposely go out of my way to create drama. I get bored and restless from too much calm, I dump boyfriends to seek excitement. Right now I’m feeling lonely and pretty anxious. So much of the time I feel as though there is something wrong with me.
11th January, 2014
I just read my diary from 10 years ago and I can’t get over that sad little girl. I’d give anything to tell her it gets better and to let her know how far she’ll come. 2013 has been a weird year. I’ve lost two grandparents and losing Dziadziu was the greatest loss I’d ever known. I’ve been signed off work with depression, but more than anything, I’ve actually had a pretty amazing year. I guess I’ve learnt to make the most of things more than ever before and even though I have days when I want everything to change, I am mostly happy. I have my dream job, my London flat, my Rudey, my boyfriend and my best friends. Fingers crossed that this year brings more of the same.