I feel like I owe you a post to explain where I’ve been for the past few days.
Since going down to part-time working as a journalist in order to focus on my blog back in September, I’ve only missed a handful of days in my quest for daily blogging.
I took some time off at Christmas because, err, CHRISTMAS AND FAMILY, and I’ve taken the odd day off here and there when I’ve been suffering with a cold, or been battling a particularly angsty case of anxiety, or I’ve just been new level tired and have wanted nothing more than to die quitely whilst curled up on the sofa with a tea and blanket.
But last week wasn’t like that, and I can’t bring myself to go into details, but something happened that knocked me, made me feel insecure and panicked inside, something that made me need to step away from everything.
Step away from counting calories, from my iMac (I’ve been gone so long that it’s turned itself off – this has never happened before), from social media, from outfit-planning, to small talk texts to friends, it’s been a time when I’ve needed to go back to the fundamentals in life.
I’ve had phone calls with family, pyjama time with my closest friends and a lot of time with Chris, because I’ve needed people above all else. I’ve needed support and hugs (anyone who knows me, knows how much I hate hugs, I HATE THEM, so yeah, you know shit has seriously gone down when I need them) and I’ve needed comfy clothes and company.
So today is me trying to get myself back on track, back into my happy, productive Hannah place. I’ve got my candle burning and Ed Sheeran playing and I’m ready to tackle life and get myself back to where I was early last week. I’m going to paint my nails and do the ironing, maybe copy Millie Mackintosh and have baked eggs for breakfast, I’m going to plan blog posts and maybe treat myself to a coffee and notebook session in Costa. Maybe I’ll film a video, maybe I’ll take some photos or plan some outfits, but whatever I do or don’t get done today, I won’t punish myself.
I don’t have to reach a certain bar or goal. I don’t have to push myself to continue on with normality when I still don’t feel normal. But we’re obsessed with that aren’t we? We always go back to work after a day off with a heavy cold before we feel ready, we always forcefully pick ourselves up when all we want to do is lie down, we always make ourselves work harder than we need to when we’re feeling fragile or only part-human. But we need to allow ourselves the down time, the recovery peiod, the Hannah time.
I’ll do what I can today, because there is so much happiness and passion and enthusiasm for life to be gained from being productive, but I’ll also slob about on the sofa infront of Netflix, because that is what I need. That is all I really want to do.
I’ve also got my second cold this winter which is a dream. My throat feels like Rudey has clawed it whilst I slept, and I’ve been rubbing myself with Vicks and I can’t taste anything and OHMYGODWHYCANTLEMSIPTASTENICER.
I blame my working from home bubble, it’s destroyed my immune system, cut it to shreds, and now anytime I venture into London I catch EVERYTHING and eurgh.
I don’t have many words to say because I don’t know what the point of this post is or what I’m trying to get acrosss, but yeah, bear with me, I’ll be back doing lame lists and saying wise old owl and talking about MSN and The Sims and stuff soon.
But mostly, I wanted to say thank you. You’ve sent some lovely kind words via Twitter during my short blogging break and it’s made me feel less alone, like I’m surrounded by people who only want happy things for me and I love that.
Switching on my computer and seeing that my traffic has been flourishing the past few days without me doing anything has assured me that it’s not lazy and silly to take time-out when you need it, it’s OK to switch off, to take time for you. We don’t have to push ourselves always, we simply don’t. You can be successful without forcing yourself to be the best, hardest working version of yourself every single bloody day.
Life is short, but it’s not so short that you can’t put yourself and your state of mind first every once in a while.