Back in the days when the dreamiest birthday presents you could hope to receive were Enrique Iglesias’s album, some roll-on body glitter and The Princess Diaries on DVD. Perfection.
1. You pull on your favourite pair of pedal pushers and a cute glitter tee that says something along the lines of ‘boys smell’. You look so good you could be in Mizz magazine, you’re sure of it. You braid the front strand of your hair, stick some beads and butterfly clips in it to make you look real fancy.
2. Everyone arrives one by one, each armed with a brightly coloured sleeping bag from Woolworths, a battered cuddly toy and a birthday present wrapped in Bubblegum character wrapping paper. Exciting.
3. You eat all the pizza. All of it. And 97 per cent of the frozen section from Iceland. YUM.
4. You drink cherryade, limeade and orangeade because you’re wild and also, orangeade basically means you’re in Kenan and Kel and ohmygod you’re so cool. Nickelodeon <3
5. Then things get really out of control and you add ice cream to your drinks and you’re high, so bloody stinking high off coke floats and E numbers and OMG YOU’RE SO HAPPY. You’re living the actual dream.
6. Then you all bagsey the best £1 face masks from Superdrug. You wanted one that made your face warm, or maybe a peel off one. But this was exactly like being at a spa and you were all so grown up.
7. You eat more because why the hell not. You’d chomp through lollipops, Haribo and Doritos like an absolute beast.
8. Someone knocks over their cherryade and shit goes the fuck down. You all get told to calm down otherwise everyone would have to go home. Sob.
9. So you all get changed into your pyjamas ready to settle down for bed. Tammy Girl ones, obvs. Then you’d casually try and check out if anyone else was wearing a bra yet. Because your mum had just bought you the CUTEST 28AA one from BHS and you wanted to show it off a little and prove you’d definitely started puberty too.
10. You begrudgingly stick on your DVD you got from Blockbusters earlier. You’re all cosily lined up on the floor in your sleeping bags ready to watch 10 Things I Hate About You. yep, this is it, you’re definitely all going to sleep now.
11. But OMG maybe you should prank call all the boys you fancy? You sneak up to your bedroom and get your Forever Friends address book with all their home phone numers written in.
12. You take turns to ring all the boys you saw at school earlier that day, with the phone cord stretched from the wall into the middle of the room. Oh you guys, you little flirts, you.
13. You think you hear someone stirring upstairs, so you all quickly prented to be asleep. LOLZ. Your acting works a charm, you’re all SUCH good actresses. No-one suspects you’re still awake at 10pm. HA.
14. You know what you should do? You should play consequences because OMG that game’s so good and you haven’t played it in ages and lolz.
15. Then someone sticks a balloon up their top and pretends to be pregnant. Good one. Maybe you should all try it. This is weird.
16. Someone else pulls Bop It out of their overnight bag. You all lose it with excitement.
17. You decide to stick someone in a sleeping bag and throw them in the air and THIS IS BASICALLY LIKE BEING AT CHESSINGTON WORLD OF ADVENTURES.
18. And also, maybe you should play Chubby Bunnies? You grab all the marshmallows, you see who can fit the most in their mouth. Life is hilarious.
19. But wait, someone’s whining about feeling sick, FFS, who invited this whimp. You don’t even like them that much, maybe they should just go home.
20. It’s getting out of control, you’re all too funny for your own good, everyone’s giggling, you’re shushing everyone, you’re mum’s coming down the stairs, OH BOY ARE YOU IN TROUBLE.
21. One more peep she says, and you’ll be grounded, everyone will be sent home, that will be the end of it, your birthday over.
22. You go to sleep, for real this time, but not before you’ve stuck someone’s hand in warm water because YOU’RE SO BLOODY HILARIOUS.
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