I’ve been ridiculously whingey the past few days. Like a toddler who’s coming down with the flu.
Why? Well, I’ve been able to detect the cause until now. I just assumed it was an SAD-induced mood state or that my hormones were playing about with me for a cruel bit of trickery.
Truth is, I miss my friends.
All of them, the ones who live in Sussex, the ones who moved from Sussex to London, my uni friends, the wonderful ex-colleagues from LOOK who live in London and all the tremendous PR friends I made over the years. I miss them all.
I feel anxious and flustered about my boyfriend going on his work Christmas meal and drinks night out tonight. Not because i’m worried about him getting drunk without me (I haven’t been that girl since I was 16 and my then-boyfriend was cheating on me, obvs), but i’m jealous. I’m jealous that I can’t go out. I don’t have friends.
Don’t get me wrong. I could go in to London, but it’s expensive and the logistics are difficult. A bunch of pals went out last night and I was supposed to go but they met up at 9.30pm, and the last train home to Ipswich is at about 11pm and I could have stayed over but I started work from home at 8am and I guess I could have got up for the first train back to Suffolk, but to be honest, i’m just too old for that shit. So yeah, could have gone. Could have spent £30 on a train ticket, another £20 on drinks and stayed for an hour, but I did the ironing instead. That’s life now.
Chris says i’m being too picky about new friends too. I didn’t reach out to one girl because I didn’t like her shoes in one photo I saw online. But the truth is, I don’t want new friends, I have friends, they’re just scattered somewgere between 70 and 150 miles away from me.
Tonight I want to stay in with the girls and drink cans of Diet Coke, maybe watch a documentary, cook up some cheesy gnocchi and gossip. Tonight i’ll be attempting to do the above with my cat. It’s not *quite* the same.
Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE where life has taken me recently. I love being self-employed and I love living with my boyfriend. I love that I don’t have to set my alarm for 6am and I love that we don’t have to spend every weekend commuting between Ipswich and Leyton to make our relationship work, but I miss my friends so much that writing this is making me well up.
It’s harder when I see people out at lavish Christmas dinners for brands that used to invite me out and know that I don’t get to be part of that close fashion journalist circle anymore, it’s harder when I see my friends doing things without me because I’ve been shit at seeing them and communicating with them, and it’s harder when I see my friends going through hard times and i’m too far away to help them.
Ipswich is my home and it means everything to me, my life is here, but it’s hard to be away from all my favourite people, especially at the most social time of year.
I’m excited to go home to Sussex with Chris next week, to have 5 whole days of people, family and wine. But I know I’ll spend too much of that time worrying about blog traffic, wondering if i’m doing enough work, should I be doing more work? and OH MY GOD WORK.
The struggle to have everything is real. And it hurts a bit.
It’s one of the only things I miss about being a teenager – the way everything is based in one place. Your Saturday job, your education, your friends, your family and you. And sometimes it’s hard to battle with not having that, with being a bit of a stranger in a new place.
So yeah, that’s why today I’m a bit miserable. I plan to eat and drink tea and stroke my hot water bottle in the hope it warms up my soul a bit.