1. I can’t remember what it feels like to breathe through my nose. It must be such a nice sensation. I MUST remember to not take it for granted.
2. If I touch my tongue it’s actually bone dry. My mouth is that dry that there is no longer any saliva present. Very good.
3. There’s definitely no way I could give a blow job in this sorry state.
4. I think it’s best I just cancel everything and stay in bed, i’m too ill for this shit. FINALLY a reason to not leave the house, all my prayers have been answered.
5. Why is there no-one to look after me now i’m an adult? I’m too ill to walk to the shop for soup or medicine and OHMYGODLIFEISSOUNFAIR and i’m just going to cry for a bit because i’m really ill and no-one cares and i’m all alone.
6. I’m about to sneeze and I don’t have a tissue. QUICK, QUICK, QUICK.
7. Oh good, snot on my chin, down my top and tangled up in my hair, graceful.
8. I actually feel a bit better now that I’ve napped, maybe i’ll risk strolling to the shop with a coat over my pyjamas.
9. I’M SO ILL. I’m so hot. I’m so flustered. I think I might faint right here in Tesco Express. Why did I leave the house and how do I escape this sheer hell.
10. Where are my cuddly toys? I must have them all around me like a 5-year-old when i’m so sad and poorly.
11. And all the Harry Potter films. No-one can soothe my soul the way Dumbledore can.
12. Wait, don’t they say feed a cold? Maybe I should order a takeaway. Maybe a pizza with jalapenos or a hot curry will help my cold. Yes that’s it, this food is guilt free because it’s for health reasons. It’s imperative I go on JustEat…
13. I can’t tell if I need to cough or blow my nose. There seems to be a thick snot trickling down the back of my throat. I wonder if I can tweet about this or if it’s too much info. Hmmm.
14. Oh, OK, I retched it out. I hope the neighbours didn’t hear the awful old man noises that just came out of my throat. Oh it’s thick and yellow. Should I show this to my boyfriend?
15. It’s freezing isn’t it? I have six blankets on me and still can’t feel my toes. Oh fever, you hideous, hideous beast.
16. OHMYGOD my olbas stick says I should only inhale it four times an hour. I’ve been inhaling it four times a minute. Does this count as overdosing? Am I going to die?
17. Wait, hang on, Google says I might have pneumonia. I’m going to die, I have pneumonia, this is it. I wonder who’d come to my funeral? Would my ex boyfriends? MY POOR PNEUMONIA RIDDLED BODY.
18. If I twitch my nose I can feel dry bogies stuck to hair. That’s painful and gross. Life.
19. Oh sweet Jesus, I just smelled myself and nearly vommed up that lab curry.
BATH, CLEAN PYJAMAS AND LEMSIP FO LYF.
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