1. Still being in your overdraft and having the fear that everyone else has grown out of theirs like a mature, responsible adult. AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO COUNTS BANK MONEY AS REAL MONEY?
2. And because of your inability to save, the dread that you’ll never be able to afford kids, not like the way you’re supposed to afford kids – without sticking babygrows from Primark on your credit card in a mad panic and dreading the day they have to eat real food that doesn’t come out of your nipple for free.
3. That one day the world will realise just how bad Diet Coke is for you, the way they did with smoking, and it’ll no longer be acceptable to chain drink it. You just don’t know how you’ll function as a human. Nope.
4. Everyone in the world going on more holidays than you, buying more clothes than you and drinking more champagne than you. FUCK YOU AND YOUR ILLUSIONS, INSTAGRAM.
5. That if you let yourself order a Domino’s for dinner tonight instead of drowning the decaying leftover veg and salad in your fridge in Nando’s sauce, that you’ll be plagued with guilt and go to bed clinging onto your excess belly rolls with disgust.
6. That maybe that bum ‘spot’ you can feel sort of chilling in between your legs just right where you can’t actually see it, isn’t a spot at all. Maybe it’s an STD, maybe it’s a weird cancerous lump and OH MY GOD WHAT IF YOU DIE.
7. One day everyone at work will realise you’re not actually very good at what you do and you’re certainly not worth the money they’re paying you., and that you’ll have to move back in with your parents and get a job wiping old peoples bums for minimum wage instead. Sob.
8. That your parents might get Twitter and see the absolute shit that comes out of your mouth on an hourly basis. Eeep.
9. THAT THEY’LL CANCEL DOWNTON ABBEY OR BROADCHURCH OR DON’T TELL THE BRIDE AND LIFE WILL BE OVER.
10. The fear that if you go in Topshop and want something that you’ll try it on and it won;t do up and you’ll have to go up a size and them OMG you’ll be fat and then everyone will know you’re fat and people won’t look at you the same and try not to cry in the Topshop changing rooms.
11. That those youths in the street over there are laughing at my eyebrows aren’t they? They’re sniggering. I KNEW they looked monstrous and absurd today, I knew it.
12. Or maybe they’re laughing at how much your legs wobble when you walk. They do wobble a lot. Cheryl Cole’s didn’t wobble like this on last night’s X Factor. You must just be obscenely fatter than everyone else, that’s it.
13. That your fertility is already declining and well, guess what, you’re not pregnant, or ready. What if you never have a baby? What if you leave it too late and then you’re infertile and the IVF doesn’t work and instead you just have to be all your friends’ childrens’ favourite fake auntie. JUST IMAGINE.
14. That because you were wearing red lipstick when you ate your lunch you now have a red smeary chin and you don’t have a mirror to check in and oh my, mortified.
15. WHERE IS MY PHONE, WHERE IS MY PHONE, WHERE IS MY PHONE? Oh wait, it’s in my other hand. Phew.
16. That Taylor Swift will stop releasing music and you’ll have no-one to sing your life to you in soothing, but realistic lyrics.
17. That according to the MailOnline, about 95 per cent of the things you eat will kill you, and you just don’t know what to do anymore.
18. That when you have children (you know, depending on the whole fertility thing) they won’t like Harry Potter and your whole life’s work will be meaningless. BUT HOGWARTS. Or, worse than that, they’ll be one of those people who assume they’re in Gryffindor. Not how it works, guys.
19. That your £30 bottle of foundation will run out and NO MONEY and finally the world will glimpse how bad your adult acne really is.
20. That when you sit down everyone can see your back fat through your top, or maybe even it’s peeking out in a pale, bulbous manner and YIKES.
21. That one day all the stories of how you got so drunk you were sick out your nose, got with hideous people and posed for a photo in just your pants will be leaked to the world and you will be DOOMED.
YOU MIGHT LIKE: 36 things that all women in their twenties are obsessed with