28 pains only nineties kids will understand


Yeah, alright and some eighties kids and some kids that were kids in the noughties, but you get the general jist.

1. Getting so intensely competitive during a day long stint on the N64 that your thumbs were in absolute sheer agony and it hurt just to press A. Fuck.

2. Getting caught trading your Penguin for a Blue Riband at lunchtime and being treated by the teachers on duty like you’d just swapped a batch of heroin, because you ‘could be allergic’. You knew you weren’t allergic to a fricking Blue Riband, because you weren’t an idiot.

3. Getting a new Polly Pocket set for Christmas, Losing Polly. Having nothing.

4. Your Gameboy cutting out when it ran out of batteries – the game not saving and your epic battle against Misty being lost forevermore. And then not being allowed to take the batteries out of the TV remote to replace them. Oh.

5. Being the first kid with a bike on the street to be called in because it was ‘getting late’. So. Effing. Mortifying.

6. All the tape coming out of your VHS and cassette tapes and having to sit and wind them back in like some sort of pawper.

7. Watching an episode of Goosebumps you’d never seen before and not being able to sleep afterwards because there could be a living dummy somewhere out there plotting to kill you.

8. Having to share the single desktop computer with all your siblings, meaning you could only play Neopets and Solitaire in hour-long shifts.

9. Accidentally getting so caught up in the moment when recording songs off the radio that you’d recorded at least a minute of DJ chatter without noticing and then had to rewind and start all over again. Sheer hell.

10. Your parents getting a new Nokia and your Snake high store being wiped from history forever.

11. Not getting enough Zoombinis across the bridge during your hour long stint on the school computer and feeling like you’d failed at everything in life.

12. Rubbing a 50p and making yourself some sort of elaborate wish for a pet rabbit and a Furby and getting absolutely nothing.

13. Forgetting your PE kit, and not only being told off for it but being told to look in lost property for something else to wear. Vom.

14. Realising that in America they were calling Harry Potter and The Philsopher’s Stone, The Sorcerer’s Stone and feeling like everything you knew about the world was wrong.

15. Going on a school trip somewhere vaguely interesting and forgetting to ask for extra pocket money to buy a nice new rubber or magnet. Oh.

16. Your mum having an hour-long catch-up on the phone with an old friend and being desperately worried your entire year group were on MSN having the time of their life without you.

17.  Begging your parents for a Soda Stream and them not buying one and feeling completely bored with orange squash forevermore.

18. Having a fight with your brother and him ripping the tag off your Halo Beanie Baby and knowing that it would now be worth the same amount as a button, rather than a huge chunk of gold.

19. Taking your YoYo to school and feeling like an absolute machine and having the BEST time of your entire life, and then them being banned before you’d manage to master ‘Walk The Dog’. FFS.

20. Getting a shiny in your pack of Pokemon cards and feeling like you were on top of the world, and then realising it was another fucking Machamp.

21. Being told by your parents that you weren’t old enough to wear the ‘Sporty Girl’ and ‘Cutie’ thongs in Tammy Girl. BUT THEY SAY AGE 11-12 THEY MUST BE FOR ME.

22. The Spice Girls splitting up and fearing that Girl Power would never be the same again.

23. Completing a piece of homework on Word Processor at home and not being able to find a floppy disk lying around anywhere to save it to take it in the next day to print. Fuming.

24. Building an ace den out of every duvet and blanket and sofa cushion in the house, your mum walking in and demanding you take the whole thing apart and put everything back where you found it :(:(:(:(:(

25. Playing The Sims with the sound turned off, not noticing your baby was crying and having social services come and remove him from you. I’M A GOOD MUM, I PROMISE. NOOOOO.

26. Scoring a low compatibility rating with your school crush (and pretty much definite future husband) on a love calculator in your school planner and not knowing how to move forward from the hideous situation.

27. Not being able to complete your homework because Encarta ’95 didn’t have the information you required on some random man that did something in 1672.

28. Sabrina and Harvey breaking up and just not knowing if you even believe in true love anymore. If they can’t make it work, who can? (Spoiler: They did)

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